Hi guys and gals,
I am new here, but I feel I need to talk to someone. Today’s my birthday, and a few days ago, I learned about having an autoimmune disease. It was “hidden” beneath depression and anxiety disorders, but I felt weaker and weaker physically, so I went to see a doctor, and I am already at a stage where my heart is impaired because of it.
I should avoid stress, and I know that I am quite challenging since I got my diagnosis because it means to completely overthink my way of living, taking even more medication (in addition to what I get against depression and anxiety). I feel pills and restrictions surround me. My hormone levels are quite high and are making me easily aggressive.
I openly talked to my boyfriend about it, explaining everything to him, warning him that I might not be easygoing for the next couple of days because I must process it all first.
I have always dealt with feeling worthless, ugly, alone and depressed, suicidal, and prone to self-harm. I knew myself pretty well (at least I thought I would), but I argued with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, causing him to ghost me for 10 days. I cut myself, took many things that are not good for me, refused to take my medication, and spent every day crying. Still, I was running after him - calling over 60 times, texting multiple times… trying to fix things. At the end of these 10 days, it was the first time my heart gave in. I felt horrible all of a sudden and was shivering and broke down in the bathroom. They brought me to the hospital, took a bunch of tests, and I desperately tried to reach my boyfriend. My son texted him, and I even texted his mum to please let him know I am in hospital with heart rhythm disorders.
His mum has not told him until today (14 days have passed, and she thinks it is not important enough to pass on that message). Finally, my son was reaching him, and he stopped ghosting me. My boyfriend is defending his mum, not really trying to find out why she had not told him, just making excuses like “maybe she did not receive your text message on her phone or she was working”. Working?! 24/7 for 14 days?!
We got back together after he apologized, and I tried my best not to be a burden. I tried to talk things out, but he always got mad at me… causing me to cry… so basically, I have not had a day for 25 days without crying now.
He agreed in supporting me with getting through a hard time of processing my disease and the new restrictions and medication, and even though I told him I would understand if he would leave, he insisted on loving me and getting through this time with me. Together as a couple fighting everything that upsets me, trying to avoid stress and give my heart and mind some peace.
Yesterday he started ghosting me again, blaming me for still bringing up old topics (but not talked through / solved yet). I had another one of these odd “attacks” and was brought to the hospital again. My heart is weak… I got many doctors preaching to me to avoid any stress because I am risking a heart attack even at a young age. The treatment has just started, and I am far away from feeling good. If something upsets me, my heart rhythm goes nuts, causing physical pain, crying attacks, and I feel like dropping dead. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday because I was at the edge. I couldn’t move on anymore. I felt utterly alone, misunderstood and he said so many mean things, and I could not understand why he would do that, knowing that stress would directly send me back into the hospital.
My boyfriend thinks asking if I was “okay” would be enough to “fight for our relationship” and showing me I am the “most important person” in his life. Since he made sure I was alive, he just left me alone again, saying the question if I was okay would be enough to show that he was “running after me” this time and did not want to break up.
I am back home now, alone. My heart is physically hurting; I am in mental pain. I do not want to take my medication - in fact; I am doing everything that I should not do. Why is he risking my health by making me upset and saying mean things? Why is the question “Are you ok”? enough effort to get his “soulmate” back after he brought me into hospital yesterday evening with all the mean things he said.
I don’t want anymore. Everything seems meaningless. And I do not think that anything matters anymore. He is not answering my calls or texts anymore and also not those of my son. He knows I am in pain, and I would need him, but he just does not care. He said he would always be there, but he is not. Every time I needed him in the past few days, he was answering hours later (ignoring everything I wrote about my feelings in the meanwhile), and still, he says he would always be there. This is not being there. This is part-time-ghosting me. He is unemployed, so he is not working. Most likely, he is playing some computer games now and might eventually reach out to me again if he feels he needs some distraction or whatever he gains out of this “relationship.”
He tells me about love, wanting to marry me, having a child together… but he puts my health at risk. Maybe I am a lunatic (like he said), but I just do not understand how he can say those things and then treat me like I mean nothing at all to him.
I feel alone and scared. My son is just a teenager and unable to help me. I do not want to take my medication. I just want it to be over. This is my birthday. He hurt ME, left me alone… and still, I am the one texting him I would need him - only to be ignored.
He does not show any physical interest in me. I thought I would be too fat and stumbled into bulimia and anorexia. I force myself to throw up with things I know make me feel sick after every bite I take. I wanted to be more beautiful for him, so he is more interested in me. But he isn’t.
And now I am sitting here at home. My heart is aching. I am shivering. I do not want to feel good. I feel like I do not deserve it. He blames me for everything, and I just take it as being the truth. He left me alone after promising me not to do so. He broke a lot of promises. And still, I am unable to let go. His denial is so hurtful, and I do not know how to cope anymore. I am scared. This whole disease and situation are new to me, and I wanted to go through that rocky time with him together. He could have just said it’s too much for him, and I would have understood. Or at least I would have known.
But he is just ignoring me even though I am begging and pleading with him - trying to call him over and over because I fear that I might do something stupid. He does not care. Do not pick up. I am going straight to voicemail. When he was ghosting me, it feels like all his devices would be turned off (I tried discord, Skype, calls, text messages to his phone, emails… everything).
I told him I am NOT okay. But HE pretends to be the poor one, and I am the bad person because I was telling him that he cannot treat me that way, knowing it would harm my health. He says he wants me happy and healthy, but his words do not fit his actions.
I do not know what to do anymore. I am just giving in. The only thing holding me back from taking the final step is my son. I feel like I want to cut myself… cut everything away about me that is not beautiful, hoping to be more worthy later. My skin is already getting thin from all the crying, which also hurts physically. I do not feel happy in this relationship for weeks… since he ghosted me. Since he was not asking his mum why she was not telling him the first time I was brought to the hospital. He never asked her why she was not passing on that message. He just finds excuses for her but does not even bother calling her even though I told him that this does not make me feel welcome in that family.
It doesn’t matter if I am here or not… not to him.
I am wondering what would happen if I would just stop existing. Would he even realize it until he is bored the next time? How can this be “love”? How can this be my “soulmate” causing me to harm knowingly and on purpose?
I am done with all the crying. I feel pathetic for running after him… for crying the whole time… for needing him so desperately. He should apologize for putting my health at risk, but he just asked if I am okay, and that was it.
This is the worst birthday I ever had (and my childhood was messed up, so it is pretty hard to top what happened to me back when I was a child).
I am wondering if he would realize it… if I am not there anymore… if he would even try to call. He never tried. It was always me getting into action. He was waiting for ME to come back after HE f… things up. I have no strength anymore—no will to move on. I feel overwhelmed. I nearly fainted a few times but was able to stay conscious.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I just know that I do not FEEL loved. I do not FEEL like I am important to him. He just made sure I was still there and left me alone in the aftermath of coming home from the hospital—no talk about our problems. No tries from his side to reach out to me or fix things.
He seems so confident that I would always come running back. But this time, I feel like I have reached my limits. I am tired of being alive. I feel like a burden. He throws mean things at me and then sweet talks me again. He expects me to leave my country to join him in the US. I have lost my trust in him. I am waiting for hours now that he shows me he is there… a single message. A call. Talking about things. He knows how I feel. That I feel worthless and that I want to die. He does not care.
Does anyone even care? I have no family. No friends. No one I can talk to because when I met him, he wanted me to talk to him about my problems, so my friends turned their backs on me because I was focusing only on him to make him happy and not to risk an argument.
I am sorry that this is all very confusing; I am in a very dark place right now, and it is hard for me to word my thoughts. My only thought is, “I don’t want anymore. I need him, but he does not care. I feel pain. I should call a doctor or take my medication, but I do not want to”.
I stopped caring about my heart. If it fails, it fails. It’s just nature claiming a living person.
And I wonder if anyone (apart from my son) notices if I just disappear? Would anyone waste effort on me? Trying to help me? Trying to BE there if I BEG for it?!
My thoughts are spinning around. I just want this mental and physical pain to end. I am afraid of it, but… honestly, I am just waiting for it to get dark outside and thinking about jumping off the next bridge. My son has his dad. He is a well-mannered and smart young man. He will survive without me. People disappear all the time. Would anyone care?
I am just wondering: Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars? (to quote my favorite song).
I do not want to text my friends because I do not want them to think that NOW when I need them, I know them again. I gave up on talking to them because my boyfriend went mad when I did so. He even goes mad when I am writing into my diary instead of talking to him. But when I talk to him, it is wrong too, and he gets mean or does not answer in any form to what I said or to the thoughts I shared.
Sorry… I just wrote another “book,” as my boyfriend would call it. And now I feel bad for everyone who has to read through it. My expectations are low that anyone is reading it or even trying to follow my thoughts.
Does anyone out there care if I exist? I don’t think so anymore. Because if the person who tells me he loves me and that I am the most important “thing” (yes, not his favorite/most important person… but THING) in his life… does not care… why would anyone else?
If anyone read through all this… thank you. I am sorry if I am a burden to this world. I feel like I have to free the world from my existence. I apologize… for being alive.