I don’t what’s going… I don’t know why I feel like absolute shit… Why I even want to harm (and secretly hope that I won’t wake up), but I do and I’m sorry for that. Maybe it’s the PMS, maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s seasonal, maybe it’s all the loud fireworks… I don’t know, sorry … I just feel like I’m not improving… I have to, right? But why don’t I FEEL it… Why am I still struggling with sh on an almost daily basis? Okay maybe I’m free of the thoughts for a couple of days, but it always returns… I hate myself… I hate my thoughts… I’m sorry for being this big of a mess… Still …
Don’t feel like you need to respond…please don’t waste your time 
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Hey Nyntje,
no need for a sorry. you are absolutely no waste of time. nothing like that, no mess at all.
it often hits in the moments when its the hardest. you are improving. you have done great.
we all struggle. it is often a cycle, more often that we wish.
we all come back to bad toughts, worries and struggles. don’t apologize, let everything out.
at any time you need that. thoughts we keep, haunt us, again and again. harder then before. bigger than ever.
you are an amazing heart and a beautiful soul. you make this world a better place my friend. we often don’t see
the good things, and are narrowed to darkness around us. you are a light in times like that. and if your own light,
can’t keep up with all those darkness, we are here for you. you are loved and you matter most 
we are proud to have you in this community, you are a big part here and you are beautiful in your very own way.
feel hugged
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We don’t ask for apologies, just for honesty. Thank you for being honest here, for sharing your real/valid feelings and concerns.
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Darn you make me cry
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Hi @nyntje
I’m glad you posted 
I’m sorry things have been difficult for you, you are such a good person who is so supportive and caring. Something that helps me with SH urges is the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) coping skill called Urge Surfing. I’ll let you read about it and I hope that you can try it out. It does take some practice and isn’t easy at first, but you’ll get the hang of it.
You are loved!
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You’re breaking free of your rubber band 
Lemme explain. hopefully I will explain this well!
Imagine a thick rubber band, like those that are a 1cm (0.5 inches) wide. You know the really strong ones usually found here holding broccoli stalks together lol.
Our normal brain functioning is like a strong rubber band that we roll around in. The things we do and say and think are all actions we do while we roll around the rubber band.
When we start to do things differently, make different choices, then the rubber band sort of changes. It is no long a hard sturdy thing, but there are weak spot where the band weakens and transforms. So what does our brain do to cope with the changes? It bounces us around, it tries to get us to do the OLD things it is used to.
Because change is scary. Chemical readjustments in the brain is weird for the brain, even f it is GOOD for us. We often feel compelled to return to an old routine, an older way of thinking because that is familiar, easier.
You’ve gone so many days without sh, but your brain is still healing, still finding ways to adapt to this new normal, and the new choices you bravely make everyday to stay away from sh.
You’ve gone a couple DAYS without those thoughts. That’s AMAZING PROGRESS.
Keep making these good choices for yourself, for what you want your tomorrow to look like, even if it is a bit hard right now.
Mystrose posted an excellent resource. It will get easier in time, hopefully your couple days without these thought expand and becomes a few days, and then a week, and then more…
You’re doing the hard work, and we’re all proud of you for trying, trying, trying.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to want a break. But you are healing, you are getting stronger.
And you do deserve all the good things.
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From: 𝕊𝕠𝕝𝕖𝕞𝕟𝕚𝕤
I am sorry that you still feel so bad. 
It is a huge struggle and I am proud of you for not giving in and fighting every day. You have had such a big achievement a while ago, do you remember that? Was it 60 days or more? I also remember your tall glass jars. Keep it up and stay strong, I know you can do it. I also know that creating your art helps you through this, so maybe you could try to continue doing this? I know that art helps to focus the mind and distract you from your negative thoughts. You are creating something new and wonderful.
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From: ManekiNeko
dear nyn, if I had the power I would make everything feel new and better. I would take away all this hurt. Because you do not deserve it.
the only thing you need to do is be kind to yourself. You’re right that all these things could be triggering and affecting you, so why should you be blamed for a trigger and for what the imbalances that affect those triggers are doing! I’m sure if you could control it, you’d switch it off, because who wants to have to feel this way!
our time certainly couldn’t be wasted when it comes to you. You know what, I also hate your thoughts. For being so cruel and unkind to you, for not showing you how loved you are. 
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