Another Worthless Rant

Today I went to the Orthodontist and it was a mess for me. Only people getting stuff done were allowed in so that meant me and my brother. My dad had to wait outside. We just sat there until my brother was called in and I had to sit all by myself with another person in the room. Everything seemed to collapse on me and I almost had a panic attack but I tried my best to breath to get ahold of it. Thankfully I succeeded. I would’ve felt so embarrassed if I actually cried in front of a complete stranger for something as small as waiting for someone to call me in.

This pandemic is going to be the death of me. I never thought that I would miss school. I miss my friends that always joke around and say that I’m amazing whenever I say I’m trash. I miss bothering my brother and his friends at lunch and taking some of their food. I need to see people other than my family all day because it sucks. It’s like this never ending loop. I get up late, I see my family, I eat and watch TV, I play video games, I eat, I watch TV, then I go to bed. All over and over again, I do the same thing and see the same faces. It’s killing me.

I never knew that I could get stress from being lazy and doing nothing. It’s overwhelming the amount of things that I do all day. Yesterday was my birthday and instead of going to the arcade and movies, I sat at home the whole day. I got a laptop for my birthday and I didn’t even play with it all day. Everything’s boring now. I wanted to go back to cutting but even that’s boring. I don’t get the pain and the feelings that I want. And I guess that’s sort of a good thing but that’s the only thing that ever made me feel.

Sorry for ranting again…I know this post is worth nothing. image

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Your post is absolutely worth the time and attention to read it. But it is filled with a bit of self-deprecation, and you don’t deserve that. :heart:

Everything seemed to collapse on me and I almost had a panic attack but I tried my best to breath to get ahold of it. Thankfully I succeeded. I would’ve felt so embarrassed if I actually cried in front of a complete stranger for something as small as waiting for someone to call me in.

That’s good. It’s not easy to calm ourselves and ease our anxiety, also to prevent a panic attack. It’s really great that you succeeded. Especially when it’s when you’re outside with other people. I hope you’re proud of this success. It shows that you have a great sense of self-awareness and how you feel at the present moment. It’s a real strength that you have here.

Also the fear of having a breakdown in front of strangers is a huge one. When my anxiety is at max level, I’m often afraid not to be able to control my emotions or reactions while being outside. Especially in stressful places like shops or while I’m driving. There’s this fear of losing control, of being judged, of just being the center of people’s attention… It’s frustating to have those fears piling up. Like being anxious is not enough in itself. Even though ultimately what matters is our well-being and our health. Sometimes it’s just hard to keep that in mind.

This pandemic is going to be the death of me. I never thought that I would miss school. I miss my friends that always joke around and say that I’m amazing whenever I say I’m trash. I miss bothering my brother and his friends at lunch and taking some of their food. I need to see people other than my family all day because it sucks. It’s like this never ending loop. I get up late, I see my family, I eat and watch TV, I play video games, I eat, I watch TV, then I go to bed. All over and over again, I do the same thing and see the same faces. It’s killing me.

Oh friend, I feel that so much. I miss people I love, life as it was, and just this sense of freedom. It’s saddening to want to do so many things yet to face the fact that it’s not possible yet, again and again. And yea, this feeling of living the same day again and again… quite depressing.

Thankfully, this is only a season in our life. And I think it’s important to remind ourselves that it’s not going to be like this forever. Also that we still have the possibility to take care of ourselves the best way we can. Starting right now. There are certainly others things you could add to your days so you could break this routine of TV/video games/TV. What about a daily walk outside - while respecting the recommendations in your country? Do you have any hobby? Maybe you could try new things: cooking new meals if you’re not used to do that a bit of physical exercise, some DIY projects… anything. Maybe you could even consider writing cards or letters to your friends, or set a video call with them soon.

This pandemic sucks. It affects many of us in so many different ways. But even if we don’t have control over the situation itself, even if we lack of long-term perspective, we can still think about what we can do to make our days better, more fulfilling. You have plenty of time now. So the question is: how would you like to use it? We can be easily stuck in a depressing routine and feel overwhelmed when circumstances are out of our control. But when we start to make little changes everyday, it is possible to get out of this circle.

I got a laptop for my birthday and I didn’t even play with it all day. Everything’s boring now. I wanted to go back to cutting but even that’s boring. I don’t get the pain and the feelings that I want. And I guess that’s sort of a good thing but that’s the only thing that ever made me feel.

It sounds that you are describing a state of numbness. Which would be absolutely natural in these circumstances. Something that can help is to try to reconnect to your physical sensations, progressively, and in a healthy way. The worst thing would be to turn again to unhealthy ways to cope, as tempting as it can be. You don’t deserve any harm.

How does it feel when you take a shower? How does it feel when you breathe some fresh air outside? What about eating, the flavors you can feel? What do you see around you, how does it look like? Those are small elements of mindfulness that you can add to your daily routine. It helps to realize that you’re not feeling nothing. When we feel overwhelmed and/or numb, it can be hard to be aware of what’s going on inside of us. Yet you’re still having a rich inner life. It just needs your participation to be acknowledged, and it starts through small acts of self-care everyday.

:hrtlegolove:

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