Anxiety affecting my romantic relationships

Hello everyone! This is my first post here at Heartsupport. I hope you can read my story and tell me what you think. I also look forward to reading yours in time.

I met her on Instagram, and I thought she was gorgeous right away. I previously sent her a dm introducing myself, where did I found her IG, that I thought she was really interesting, and that it would be nice to get to know her. One day she posted a story of her wrist, that was injured in some way, so I asked what happened to her. After that, I kept checking on her until we started talking more and more. We connected very well and discovered we had so much in common! First date was at the cinema and then some beers to get to know each other better, we had a blast and were glad we went out.

For the next weeks it was saying “Good Morning!” to each other and talking almost all day. She is very successful, very hardworking, a girl boss, but secretly a sweetheart. I got to know her very well, about her circumstances, her family, her mental health, her beliefs. Second date we went for some churros con manjar and chocolate, then we went to a nice coffee place. She even posted a picture of our empty cups to her stories when I went to pay the bill, and I realized when the pic was online, (it sounds silly, but I felt happy). Then we went for a walk, and she said she would like to meet again sometime next week.

Well…Here things took a different turn. We couldn’t go out that week because she had to help her sister with something. That’s ok, we kept talking like always, I told her we could go out during the next week. We could go have dinner before her little niece’s birthday happening on the weekend, but she said she couldn’t because she was really busy helping. During the weekend she shared pictures of the celebration. After that, something happened to her. She told me that she was not feeling well emotionally, dealing with her anxiety and sadness. I understood and checked on her constantly to let her know that I cared for her, that I was there if she needed anything. Of course, she wasn’t talking as much as before, completely understandable, but she appreciated my everyday words. Maybe this is the start of my anxiety, but I asked If something had change between us, to which she responded no, everything remained the same.

However, after that week we stopped talking as often as before. We would say good morning, but sometimes not talk in hours, or conversations not flowing as usual. I felt very puzzled, feeling that I wasn’t able to share as much as before, to talk so openly about our feelings as before. We kept talking, reacting to our posts, and I kept trying to ask her out, but something unexpected always happened: either a migraine (she gets awful migraines, it’s true), other pains in her chest, too much work, having to do things with her sister and her niece and nephew, which was very exhausting to her. I have no reason to believe any of those reasons were lies, and they were not, they were all real and I believe her. Even she got involved in a car accident where she got hit by a car getting out of a parking lot. I was terrified and asked her to please go to a hospital and get an x-ray (she would get this over independent attitude and say things like “I’m ok, don’t worry”). I offered to take her, but she told me her brother-in-law would. I was texting and asking how she was, and she always thanked and appreciated that I would be there to check on her.

I didn’t stop trying to be on a third date with her, because I like her very much. But it would just never happen. A couple of times I asked again: “is everything ok?”, “is it uncomfortable when I say things like it would be great to see you again?”, “is there any other reason why you can’t go out?”. Last time was this week, she had an emergency at work, to which I understood completely. At the end of the day I said jokingly (and because of my anxiety and insecurity) that I would have to pray to the saints because every time I ask her on a date something unexpected happens. She felt really guilty and sorry, and hated the fact that we couldn’t meet…I felt terrible and said I was sorry, that I shouldn’t have said something like that, and that nothing was her fault.

During all this time (almost 2 months), my anxiety just kept growing (that feeling of emptiness the chest) with the thought that she grew bored of me and that she was already talking to someone else, but I wasn’t able to communicate this fear because I didn’t want to seem too intense and petty.

This morning I asked if is there any other reason why she can’t go out (almost at my peak anxiety and insecurity, trying to suppress them, trying not to get super sad) she said just “no”. And then told me that she felt that sometimes we connected, and others time we didn’t, that sometimes with some people happens. I felt incredibly sad…and very insecure, to the point that I felt she wasn’t interested in me anymore. She would post conversations with a guy saying “always so connected”, maybe it was just a friend, but my insecurity and fear of being out of place because she was meeting someone else and I had no idea, was very present.

I tried to say that “maybe we could remember the times we connected and give it another chance, maybe something can come up…”. to that she asked “what do you want with me?”. But I had already given up. I sabotaged myself. I unfollowed from IG and removed her from my followers, I wouldn’t be able to stand her pics and stories with someone else, I would’ve felt just too sad. Also removed her phone number. 7 hours after her last message, I told her “…on second thought, I don’t want anything anymore…just forget what I said prior…I can’t beg you anymore if sometimes you’re interested in me and other you’re not…it doesn’t make any sense”.

She got very upset and confused, and we started talking about the whole thing. She said that she didn’t mean she wasn’t interested, she wasn’t going out with anyone else, that she felt we weren’t talking as much as before, that I wanted to be just friends (??? even though we exchanged some semi-nudes, which I don’t do with my friends). Now I’m sad, feeling like I fucked up big time and thinking that she won’t talk to me ever again.

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Hi Veehto,
thank you so much for sharing this and Welcome to Heart Support.
this is truly a difficult situation you are going through right now, but be sure this is also normal and i
would think happened to a lot of people out there.
when it comes to feelings its always hard to think logical, your heart takes over. i am bad with handling
situations when i don’t know what the other person it feeling towards me. so i learned for myself to speak
about everything honestly.
you two have meet for a while now, even dated and changed messages often. you don’t always know
what the other person is dealing with overall in their life, with their family and job, how they are coping
with situations, handle their everyday life. so give them also space and try to understand why they act or
respond like they do. that is something you can’t change or take action to.
what you can do is your action. be kind and express yourself, explain yourself a bit better for your
responses. to meet for a coffee in a neutral place, where you can speak freely and open about, might be
something. i would express my feelings and also be aware that the other person, if needed, will take their
time to answer. don’t put pressure on her, give her time, also give yourself time.
love is hard to understand and the strongest force on earth.
you have done great so far, you are self aware and sad, what is complete understandable. j
you matter my friend, you deserve that and you are worth. feel loved and hugged,
Greetings

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In this case, it’s not just your anxieties. She sent a lot of confusing messages your way. I"M feeling confused after this too!
Sometimes people won’t say what they really want, and it’s confusing and frustrating when they play these sorts of games. Sounds like she could have been more interesting in the chase part of the game, meeting up with new people, getting to know them, hen moving on to the next new person.

You deserve someone who makes you feel happy, and not worried about where things are going or what’s going on. I don’t think you did anything wrong here, it sounds like she had an agenda, and a game, and this is all on her and whatever she has going on in her mind. Don’t be with someone who plays mind games with your emotions, to make you feel dependent on them for the few crumbs of attention and affection.

It’ll take some time to heal, but now you know that you can confidently approach a new person, ask to be friends and talk to them. You learnt some great skills here, focus on that, not what you feel like you’ve lost, there’ll be someone else who will like you for you and make the time to be with you.

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Thank you for your responses, you both have precious input for me to consider and think about.

So yeah, it’s over.

However, this makes me reflect on how I’ve been living my relationships and what I have been doing wrong. How I end up sabotaging them because I don’t know what’s wrong, and that’s because of my lack of communication and paying close attention to situations, messages, and signs that I should’ve acted upon if I wanted to achieve the result I desired from the beginning. I am tired of this; it has happened enough, and I can’t continue closing myself down when something that might have been good knocks at my door. I need to change that.

Thanks for reading guys, and sorry for the original long post.

Best to all!