So here we go. (trigger warnings for self harm and sexual assault)
My anxiety has skyrocketed over the last couple of months. I was without a therapist for about a month while I transitioned to my new one, so that probably didn’t help. But now my new therapist is going on maternity leave soon and I think that’s increasing my anxiety a bit a long with a lot of family stuff.
In addition to that I’m dealing with some things in my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. He’s getting really frustrated because we haven’t been having sex lately. (I was sexually assaulted/dealing with a really abusive friend five years ago and its something I’ve been recovering from) But it seems I’ve hit a bit of a roadblock in said recovery and I haven’t been feeling great about myself and haven’t been wanting to have sex at all. He’s kept bringing it up and bringing it up. On Sunday he started asking about if I wanted to go on the pill or think about using an IUD(We’ve ALWAYS used protection but I’m not on birth control) I told him that yeah it was something I was thinking about but even if I went on birth control I still wanted to use a condom just incase which put him off a little bit.
Everything kind of spiraled from there and he had a full on panic attack which he said was due to him trying to deal with my anxiety and then us just not having sex and him having thought about breaking up because of that or asking for an open relationship. His exact words were “You’re perfect in literally every way but there’s still this horny 13 year old in me.” (we’re both 26 by the way)
I ran downstairs to the bathroom and cried because what the actual hell. I’m going to point out now that my boyfriend is bipolar, and that there have been a lot of times where he has broken down or needed support and I have been there. But now when my own recovery process isn’t going so smoothly and its affecting things on an intimate level, its too much and he’s considering breaking up and asking for an open relationship.
He called his therapist who told him to slow down before he made any decisions and he calmed down a lot but i was still a wreck. I went home and went to bed. He wants to get dinner and move things back to normal I guess but I’m really really hurt right now. I spent a long time after the assault feeling like I was just too much (and even before that in dealing with my anxiety and self harm) and I’m feeling a lot like that again. Like I’m a burden who is too much to deal with. (Fun fact I was told that several years ago by the dean of my college who was threatening me with dismissal for said self harm)
This has brought up a lot of old feelings, and me questioning my self worth and I just feel awful. Really really awful. Every time I feel like I’m moving further towards healing from trauma something pulls me back and slows me down.
(Side note: Please do not use this as an opportunity to talk about the dangers of pre-marital sex, that’s not what I’m posting here for)