Anxiety, depression, intimacy

HeartSupport Support
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I could put so much here. This is the first I’ve vented in a while…thats primarily the point here…

I struggled with porn and masturbation in junior high. I always knew it was wrong and would get depressed after every relapse. A youth leader at my church was the first I confided in, because I was scared to talk to my dad while he was in school. I finally talked to him, and things got ‘better’. Thats when i wanted to go and be a youth pastor. My entire family and everyone around me saw me doing that.

Before I went to Bible school, I fell in love with a girl. She stole my heart. But it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t notice it for a while…

Fast forward two and a half years into bible school, I’m loving ministry and can’t wait to go into church. But I’m dragged down…by the one I love. As I stepped back, I realized I was emotionally captive by this girl. I had given her my all, and she twisted and manipulated it into being everything about her. She had me touch her in ways I vowed to never touch a girl, say things, and we even got engaged. 6 months before our wedding, I broke up with her. Her entire family was infuriated at me and I had letters written to be of disgust. I felt free, but lost. I had my live planned on being a youth pastor with her. Before graduation, I had applied for many churches and started dating a girl from school. None of the churches accepted my resume, and I landed back at home.

I still have memories of her…of the way she’d captivate me into doing things…I feel like she still has my heart. I’ve fallen back into masturbation to the point where I’ve wanted to not just hurt, but mutilate my genitals. I’ve been a cutter and mentally self-abusive maniac against myself. I dread the way that I look, think, and act. I can’t go into ministry this way. I freak out at the thought of leaving home because I don’t know what to do. I’m in a leadership program with a bank, but my family doesn’t see me in that. They see me in church. My grandfather even confronted me and said I need to be in ministry and that he’s scared all my education will go to waste. I told him I’m interested in going to school for teaching, and he shut that down. I haven’t had much support from anyone else.

My girlfriend has had traumatic experiences that she deals with too…and that hurts on top of everything else. I’m scared we’re going to fail, and that I’ll mutilate yet another precious girl. I’ve always wanted to be a husband…a father to a precious little girl…but if this doesn’t work, I’ll never trust myself with another girl. It has to be my fault. I dont know why it wouldn’t be.

If it weren’t for my immediate family, I would have pulled the trigger months ago…but I haven’t. Instead, I feel like I’m going to explode on the inside with thoughts of confusion, hatred, fury, grief, sorrow, and so much more…

Before I broke up with her, she told me I changed…maybe I did…and I just didn’t realize it…

I guess I’ll just go to my day job and pay the bills…and pray I don’t hurt anyone else…I’ll take the pain for any single person…I’ve written novels of mutilating myself…I’ll be fine…just another day…

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I really appreciate your honesty and openess and I’m sorry to hear how hard things have been. Obviously I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling but an unhealthy relationship is something I can relate to. My first real relationship wasn’t until I was in college and I was head over heals for a girl and after it fell a part it took years for me to understand how unhealthy it was. I bent over backwards for someone and never felt “good enough”. I think it was so hard to get over her, even though she wasn’t good to me was because it was the fist time I allowed myself to feel vulnerable and in return it was used against me.

It doesn’t sound your at fault in the relationship. As a believer I can appreciate that you didn’t want things to get physical in the relationship but they did. I have and still do struggle with the concept of lust and it carries its own guilt and shame that I struggle with everyday but as a believer I think it’s important to remember different folks in the bible and understanding their mistakes as well, seeing God’s love for them, and applying that concept to us. It’s way easier said then done for me so I’m not on a ivory tower mentioning that. I just think of David, who was a man after God’s own heart, yet he succombed to his own lustful desires. In our minds we can probably agree neither one of us is no David, but I think God loves us just as much as David, which don’t get me wrong is something I question a lot.

Your post really hits home with me because I feel that neither one of us has forgiven ourselves the way we need to nor the way God wants us to.

In regards to careers and family, I don’t think families always understand how to best support their loved ones. They may think by the things their staying they are showing how much potential you have for ministry but botching how the message comes across. It’s like A for effort D- for how it’s relayed. That’s something I have a lot of experiance with in my family. I wish I had some awesome advice but I’m in my 30s and still have fumbled through understanding what God wants me to do professionaly. I can say I’ll be praying for wisdom and guidance for you on what God wants you to be doing and that he would open the doors he wants you to go through. Just from reading your post it sounds like between having a heart for God and the education you have, you can make a difference in peoples lives whether that’s in a church setting or just daily interactions with people in your sphere.

I really hope things work out well with your girlfreind that you have now. It doesn’t sound like your doing anything malicious to in danger that relationship it’s just the self doubt and internal issues making that concern come up. I truly believe that if you love her that’s the most important thing, with you both treating each other well to create a healthy environment being a close second. I think if you guys have those two big things that goes a long way.

Sorry about the long message, I think I blabbed on for a bit so hopefully something within that message is helpful.

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Thank you for your words, Efa117. I apologize for how long it took me to reply. Your words really meant a lot to me. I still struggle with that anxiety, but things are getting better. Hope you’re well

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