I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I could remember. I am now 22 years old and things have gotten worse. Within the past 2 years I have also developed ptsd from a very bad emotionally abusive relationship. I dated someone who had a struggle with addiction and treated me awful and constantly hurt me extremely bad mentally. I personally have never been an addict but still tried my best to help him.I have been in a really bad place mentally after what he put me through and some tough decisions I didn’t want to have to make but things have been so difficult for me ever since and I have experienced a lot of triggers that send me into a really bad panic episode. I was with him for about a year and we broke up and he was yelling at me calling me names and everything just got worse from there I ran away from his house crying my eyes out calling a friend to talk to her because I was at my end. However all I ever tried to do was help him fight his addiction and encourage him everyday and he would be okay for a while then he would have his withdrawals and thats when things would get really bad and he would find something to yell at me about and put me down. The thing is months later I forgave him and we got back together then a few months go by and we have an accident and he got me pregnant and basically left me and told me I had to have an abortion and he wasn’t going to be there for me and that was one of the most difficult things I ever had to deal with I was going to therapy regularly for a while but I stopped when the lady I went to went to a different place to do sessions. I have a really hard time loving myself and telling myself that I am good enough. Everything is so overwhelming for me now and I have really bad paranoia that developed not to long ago. Within the past few years I have had a really difficult time holding down jobs and trying to succeed in life. I feel really hopless and dont know what to do anymore. I get upset so easily at the littlest things and I cant help it. My dr tried to put me on medication but I had really bad side effects when I took it and have been terrified to ever take antidepressants again. I feel like nothing is ever going to help me. I’m currently in a new relationship which I have been on and off with because he also has an addiction problem but with alcohol. He has been doing better here and there but he always goes right back to the same issue with drinking. I really want to help because I do really love him but I don’t know what to do anymore. Aside from that I occasionally struggle with self harm but I haven’t in a long time. I’m trying really hard to be better but lately everything has been so difficult. I really need advice!
Hi there @Moonprism,
My dear friend, please let me welcome you to the HeartSupport community and to tell you that you are incredibly brave and courageous- even just for simply choosing to post here and be vulnerable with us. Truly, it breaks my heart to read what you have been going through, and even just processing the words are hard, so I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have gone through each of these things- from a relationship with addiction to mental illness to everything in between. It truly just adds to how much I admire that you’re right here and present and willing to share with the community what’s been up.
I know that my experiences differs from your’s, but I would like to assert that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, and it’s put me in therapy and has affected my entire life and my relationship with literally every person in my life. I have developed trust issues and a performative idea of love (i.e. if i don’t “get it right,” x person doesn’t love me anymore), and it has taken literal years to try and untangle all of it. Please, please know that we love you, that you are loved, and that you’re not a failure. It cannot be easy to hold down a job with everything going on- from the personal to the pandemic. Please don’t blame yourself for circumstances that you didn’t choose. Your heart is in such a good place, wanting to encourage someone with addiction, but sometimes those are not our battles. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get out of that previous relationship, however, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
In terms of the current, have you been able to seek out a new counsellor for therapy? I know it’s not easy to find one, and especially to find the right one, but I do encourage you to continue the hunt and not give up! It’s been so, so beneficial for me, and I think it could really help with the PTSD/depression/anxiety- even if it’s just to talk stuff out after the fact. Can we also make an appointment with your doctor to perhaps look at other meds that may have less side effects? It’s intimidating and certainly takes a bit of trial and error. I know it’s scary (taking anti-depressants myself!) but please know that the right medicine and the right dose can be incredibly helpful in putting you a place to start healing.
As for the current relationship, I know it is difficult, but is he open to also going to therapy potentially? Would he be willing to change in order to better his own life too? Is he ready for change? It’s okay to help someone, and of course if you love them, you want to see them get better, but please please remember that if you feel unsafe at all, you have to get out. I know it can make you feel guilty and everything, but please know that it’s okay to leave if you feel unsafe or you feel this person is consistently unwilling to get help. It’s not all on you- it takes a community to heal, and the same applies for you and your partner.
I hope this isn’t too long, and please know that you are loved, and that we’re going to ride this out with you, and be here for you. Welcome again to the community at HeartSupport, we love you! Please keep us posted. 
Sending love and hope,
Alex
Thank you so so much for all the support and encouragement! Life has really thrown me for a loop these past 2 and a half years. Every day is a struggle I really want to get better but I cant seem to get to that point. In the long run im glad I got out of that first relationship. However, that one terrible relationship has led to more drama in my current relationships. My ex tried to ruin my first relationship after being away from him by spreading a lie about me to hurt me and try to make me unhappy because he is an unhappy person that needs help. He successfully interfered in my current relationship and I did everything I could to try to tell my current bf my situation with this ex and there was nothing I could do to get him to believe me. He knew what all I’ve been through and chose to take the side of my abuser and that hurt me so bad to the extent that I had begun to self harm again. A few months went by of me and my current bf not speaking then things started to change. I continuously spoke to him even though I knew he didn’t deserve me time after how he treated me and letting my abuser come between our relationship. The difficult thing is my current bf is an alcoholic which is almost like a repeat of my last relationship with my abuser that was a drug addict. However, my current bf is not nearly that bad he’s only said really awful things to me a few times when he was really drunk and I forgave him because I love him. My relationships with people have suffered because of this I seem to cut everyone off from my life unintentionally and its hard for me to make friends or even trust what anyone says to me anymore. Lately I’ve become more aware of the way I have been treating myself and I hate it but I just feel so stuck. I have a really hard time with self care and even doing the simplest things. Everything I do just feels like I’m in the wrong. I overanalyze everything to the point I just shut down and don’t speak to people for days and I will stop eating and taking care of myself. This has been more frequent lately and everyone around me just gets frustrated with me except for my bf. He has his moments but when it comes down to it and im panicking and everything starts to go black and im shaking and my hearts racing and I cant breathe he is right there and he speaks to me so calmly and just tries to breath with me and talk really slow and then after I calm down he holds me. Its still really difficult because most days I just want to lay in bed and never get up but I dont wanna be a bigger failure to those around me than I already am. My parents are constantly reminding me of my failures and it really gets to me. I feel like because of this its impossible for me to think good things about myself. It also doesn’t help that I have a learning difficulty and have trouble remembering things abd because it people think im stupid and get angry and impatient with me and I just cry and shut down I don’t know what to do!
This was very brave of you to share on here. I’m sorry your going through very hard times. I’m here if you wanna talk. You are loved on heart support. We’re all here for you. I have a lot of depression and anxiety. I have suicidal thoughts too. Hang in there. We’re all in this together. Hugs to you!
Hey @Moonprism! It is so, so good to hear from you and get some more detail about what’s been up. Thank you once again for sharing your heart with this community and being willing to share things that I’m sure are not easy even just to type out. Thank you for being here 
My parents also have a way of reminding me about my failures and how I haven’t reached a particular standard of where they want me to be or who they want me to be. It’s hurtful and it’s often been the source of my mistrust of others! Please please remember that you are not alone in this, and that just because they are your parents, that doesn’t make what they say true or right. You know yourself, and you know what you’re going through and what you’re doing to try to overcome those hurdles, so please (and I know it’s hella difficult) don’t take what they say to heart. I’ve found that my parents may have the right intention, but their execution of how they speak to me is another matter.
With regards to how your abuser got between you and your current boyfriend, I am glad that it seems the abuser is no longer in the picture and complicating things further. Do you feel safe from him (i.e. previous ex)? Do you need to report anything to the police? I know it can sound extreme, but I think it’s important to consider any red flags and figure out ways to protect yourself as needed. I believe you need a safe space to heal- mentally and emotionally! In terms of you current boyfriend, and I know this is a tough question with complicated answers, but do you find that you excuse your boyfriend’s behaviour when he’s drunk? Do you feel safe when he is drunk? Does he also put a divide between you and the relationships you have with other people? I don’t mean to overstep, but I think it will be important to consider these things. Are you able to let other people in to take care of you? Could that be where the frustration of others come from, rather than the anxiety you’re experiencing in the moment? (I ask these questions out of seeing some similarities with a past relationship I’ve had. She wasn’t an alcoholic but some of the symptoms seem familiar is all).
Please know that we love you here, and you are not a failure. You want to heal and get better and get the help you need, and that is an amazing start! Half the battle, if I may! Would it be possible just to google “therapists in my area” today and just take a gander? No pressure, just a quick scroll through the page to see if anything piques your interest. Easy, and gentle with yourself, please. We love you.
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