Anxiety- depression, social fears, alone

I thought I was getting my social anxiety in check, but yesterday I learned that it isn’t any better. I went to the store with my family. I was actually excited to go because it was the first time in over a month I felt great, thought I looked good, and I was getting cabin fever. Everything was going great until we got to one of our last stops. My SO stepped away with our little while I was cashing out. I was asking the cashier a question about the app for the store since I m still getting used to it. I had a coupon and a gift card on the app that I wanted to use but I wasn’t sure how to pull either up. An older gentlemen stepped in line while I was asking the cashier my question and immediately asked, ‘How long is this going to take?’ He literally just stepped in the line, but anyways, I apologized and said that I was just trying to do something on the app. He immediately retorted and gave me an attitude. I will admit I did backlash at him a little because I do not understand why he was upset when he just stepped in line. Now, I don’t handle confrontation well, so I just forego the gift card and paid then left. But after getting to the car, I had an anxiety attack. I hate going out. I hate going to places. I usually order everything online to avoid people because of situations like this. And sadly this wasn’t even the first time I had something like this happen.

Basically, I made a promise to myself last year to work on my social anxiety. To work on myself. And now after that moment I feel like I haven’t made any progress. I made a promise so I can be a better example for my little and hope that my little can be more outgoing than I am. But having that experience yesterday made me want to return to my old ways. I would rather shop online and pick up my orders than dealing with people. I can go out if I am with my SO, friend or family member. But when I am by myself it is so hard to do. The only way I can manage it is if I wear headphones and basically keep my head down and just hope no one talks to me.

Sometimes though I feel like a walking contradiction with having anxiety. I hate going out and being social but yet I crave having social interaction from time to time. Might not be often, but every so often it would be nice. I am home all the time and only have my SO, the little and the animals. I have some friends but I only see them maybe… Once every 3-6 months. I would love to make some new friends but I have no idea how to go about that either and the thought freaks me out a little but then I get mad at myself about it. It shouldn’t be this hard. I really want to meet other parents too that way my little can have playmates. But that idea is challenging too. I want to get out of the house. I want to go out and make friends. I have even thought about getting rid of my phone because what is the point of having one if I have no one to talk to? My phone is more of a paperweight at this point or an eBook. I just have no idea what to do and it’s making my depression worse. I am literally my own worst enemy at this point and I feel like I m drowning because of it. I keep thinking I am letting my little down and myself down too.

Sorry if this is all gibberish. My mind is just spiraling.

2 Likes

Hey there, @Chandra. i know how it feels because im going through that, too.
Im impressed to see that you were able to promise yourself to overcome your social anxiety cuz im still not able to do something like that #lol#.
But i do really suggest that you dont give up on that cuz if you do then there will be no going back and in future it might become harder to overcome it. You might meet some people like that older gentlemen but you cant just give up because of that. So i suggest you to keep going out and meet new people and catch up with your buddies and all.

I know im not much to say cuz i am not doing things about it for myself but the thing is when i saw your post i really wanted to help you in some way. So here im trying to encourage you.

1 Like

Hi Chandra,
thank you for sharing, Welcome to Heart Support.
you are brave. you did so great in that situation and after. there is no progress lost, i think you gained progress
with the situation in the grocery store. that is why we face those situations, to overcome them, to face them.
be proud of that. it is not easy, i know that. easier said then done.
you was getting out of the situation, getting into your car your “safe” place in that time. so you did everything right.
keep that up.
have you ever been in therapy for your anxiety ? or are you thinking of going to ? it could help you for sure.
it helps me. i maintain at least one or two focuses when i am in public, or something. it is hard and sometimes
when i get lost, i try to get somewhere comfortable and do some breathing, just focused on that. with no worries
and thoughts wherever. silence can be a friend some times. counting and feeling air filling your lungs.
its a strong coping mechanism.
you did great, you will do great. you are loved and you matter most :purple_heart: feel hugged

1 Like

From: Mystrose

Hello Friend, Welcome to Heart Support! I’m sorry you had a hard time at the store and this man was rude to you. It wasn’t very nice of this person at all. I will say that I am proud of you. You not only were dealing with this app and trying to understand it, but you had to deal with this rude man too. You stood up for yourself and didn’t run away. Yes, you had a panic attack after when you were in your car, but you handled the situation well in my opinion. I see that as progress. I’ve left my whole shopping cart behind and ran out of the store before, so for you to stand there and deal with everything thrown at you is pretty good! I hope you see that this is as progress! You Matter! ~Mystrose

1 Like

@Chandra,

Anxiety is such a gnarly thing isn’t it? You think about having anxiety can provoke anxiety. We worry about having feelings and that can produce the feelings. So I want to tell you that you that I think were amazing in this situation. You have come farther than it might feel like. You did get dressed up, and went out and did multiple things without issue per what you have said. And what this older man did while you were at the check out was rude and inconsiderate. You should have responded back to him. You were checking out, you had questions and you had every right to ask those questions. The fact that he was rude would have caused anxiety in anyone. You held it together in the store, finished paying and didn’t react with anxiety until you were in the car. That’s huge. If it had been me, I would have had a similar reaction afterwards. It can be quite disconcerting to have someone be that rude to your face in a store. I’m sorry it happened to you but your response feels rather normal in some ways to me. You have done better than you realize my friend. Please be gentle with yourself here and actually celebrate that you did what you did. Have you ever considered doing therapy for your anxiety? If not, is it something that you might be interested in trying? It can help with techniques to handle anxiety in different situations. Welcome in to Heart Support. I’m glad you’re here!

Hey Chandra

Welcome to HeartSupport, I am Lisa, its lovely to meet you. Reading your post is like your were talking about my own life except I do not have a child.
Social anxiety is so hard to live with and sadly other thoughtless individuals make it even harder but reading through how you managed in the store when that ghastly man made those comments actually made me think how well you did. You managed to handle the situation well without falling apart or having an anxiety attack and get back to your car before it hit you and that my friend is a massive accomplishment. I dont know if you have ever been at a point where you have dashed from a store and just headed into a direction not really knowing which way you are going but all you know is you just want to get home? its a far cry from that.
I also understand the headphone use too, sunglasses worked well also.
Whatever you did to keep yourself in a good place until you got to the car was huge and you should continue to work on that. I kind of have good news and bad, the good news is that I think you are getting it in check and I think you are doing well, the bad news is there are always going to be rude people that are going to push your limits.
Trust yourself, you are doing a good job and your child will see that. You are awesome.
Lisa. x

1 Like