Anxiety? Panic?

HeartSupport Support
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(Have h/o depression, PTSD and was recently diagnosed with adult ADD)

Im on my 6th therapist and I feel like running away - AGAIN.
It’s extremely difficult to get a good therapist, this lady is nice(?) - quite well known in her field, but I havent ‘bonded’(?) with her enough or…I dont trust her enough or something… I feel like running away. Its just been 4 sessions of me explaining my life to her, thats all… Its not like the sessions have become so painful that I cant bear it or anything.
Is it because I feel like nothing can help me?

I already struggle with opening up and being vulnerable with anybody (Theres only ONE friend of mine with whom I can open up…and also this forum - probably the anonymity helps)…maybe this is the issue?

With how crappy my life is AND how limited mental health resources are in my country, I really cant afford to spend another year obsessively searching for a therapist.
I dont want to run away again…please help/advice.

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Hi s_ummer,
thank you for reaching out.

sounds like.
what makes you feel vulnerable when it comes to a therapist ? what feelings does that bring up ?
from my experience, with opening up and therapy, a therapist is there to help you, only when they know everything
they can help you. but i am telling you nothing new i would say.
when i opened up first about my mental health, completely i feel ashamed and weak, lonely and extremely depressed. in the first sessions i cried a lot, when i reached out to friends, i have i would consider only not even a
handful that are knowing my status completely, where i can speak openly with everything.
you have one, keep that. this forum is like a relief also.
the first sessions are always there to get to know each other, to feel a connection between patient and therapist.
a therapist is never judging, they are building connections for you, from your past, to the
now. for a better tomorrow for yourself my friend.
i am sure, there is help for you out there, i am sure that there is a better future for you. what we all need is time and
that is what makes it hard so much. don’t start to run, do one step at a time, and give yourself time to heal.
we are here to support and help, with sharing our experience. we are here to support you anytime.
i can only speak from myself, from my experience and be a guide for you, pls not as an advice.
you are loved my friend, and you matter most :purple_heart:

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I think you might be hesitant to invest trust because of the frequent change of therapists. That is definitely a hinderance to a decent therapeutic relationship. It’s also tedious to keep repeating personal history to new therapists. Also, as you’ve mentioned, you don’t have a great deal of confidence in anyone’s ability to help you.

I think you’re at a point now that despite past disappointments, it’s important to realize that the only way there’s any hope of benefiting from therapy is to courageously commit to making things work between you and the therapist you’re with now. It’s good to let this person know what you need to feel in relation to the therapeutic approach that’s being used with you. Explain that you need to feel as though she’ll be there for you.

I’ve told my story many times, and have noticed that over time, I’ve come to see things a bit differently. It’s as though repeating the story provides repeated opportunities to understand parts of it that may have been overlooked in the past. For example, when I was younger, I felt a lot of anger toward my parents, but as time passed, and I kept repeating my story, I gradually realized they weren’t mean, they were just pretty nuts. It’s easier to forgive mental illness than it is meanness.

When it comes to anxiety, check out your feelings as they relate to the following statements:

“I worry that things won’t work out with this therapist.”

Or

“I’m determined to make things work out with this therapist.”

A decent therapist learns a lot from their patients, including how to improve their practice. It’s okay to tell her what you need. Odds are that she’ll appreciate it.

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Hey Friend,

@Aardvark and @Wings both make extremely good points so I really don’t need to expand much on what they’re saying aside from a couple things.

Up until a couple of years ago, I was terrified of opening up to people in even the slightest. I thought that if I did I would be seen as weak or that they would hardcore judge me or even use what I would open up about against me in some nefarious way. It got to the point to where when I did open up to people I would beat myself up and essentially run away from that person or avoid them. It was like I shared too much about myself and that was my cue to cut them out of my life. I even wouldn’t open up to my closest friends because I didn’t want to lose my friends because of what I had gone through.

So I want to ask you, is there something in your past that causes you to shut people out of your life (therapists) when you feel like they know too much about you?

What I’ve learned over the past couple of years is embodied in a quote by Marcus Aurelius - “What’s in the way is the way.” A lot of mental health related things need to be handled head on. I’m not saying that’s easy.In fact, it can be some of the hardest things you have to do in your life, but it’s worth the effort 1000x. It’s going to be uncomfortable and even painful, but that’s how one grows through life.

I also want to let you know that your therapists are there for you. They are professionals that have gone through extensive training and often times through a lot of challenging things in their own life and have chosen their field to help people out of the dark places that they, too have been through. They wont judge you, they wont harm you, they want to see you succeed. In fact, it makes these individuals incredibly fulfilled to see their clients succeed.

It’s kind of like a coach and an athlete. The coach has to push the athlete through really uncomfortable things on a daily basis. Because of this, the athlete achieves even greater things than if they were to do it on their own.

Continue working with your therapist as diligently as possible. When you start feeling the urge to run away, tell yourself this is exactly what you want to feel as this is the thing you’re rewiring your brain to take head on instead of running away from. Eventually, you’ll be able to grow past it and above it. Just like an athlete surpassing how much weight they can lift, how fast or how far they’ve previously been able to do.

I truly believe that you’ll be able to grow into an even greater version of yourself and get to a place where you feel comfortable with your story.

last thought I want to share - at the end of the movie 8 Mile about Eminem, he exposes his own shortcomings in the rap battle. It takes the energy out of what people could use against you and give you that power. We all struggle with things, so when someone is open about their struggles, it actually gives hope and inspiration to those who you may not even be aware of.

stay in there, friend. I truly believe that you’re on the path to a great, fulfilling life.

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Hey @s_ummer
Thank you so much for your message here on the Wall.

I would like to acknowledge that trusting someone is scary. It takes time and effort. You say that you’ve been sharing your life with your therapist, but it seems to me that you’re almost scared of taking the next steps. The steps into the unknown. The steps that really might make a difference in your therapy journey. I mean this with all the love because I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to take those next steps.
The first thing I wondered while reading your message was: “Did you mention the feeling of wanting to run away with any of your therapists?” Current or not. It might be good for them to know that you’re feeling this. For you, it can also be really helpful to talk it over with someone. Why do I want to run away? Writing something like that down, or talking with someone about it, can be extremely helpful and insightful.

I did want to acknowledge this question though.

This question is one that I have asked myself many times. It took me years to realise that it wasn’t a question. It was a statement of fear that stopped me from moving forward. The unknown, possibly better future, was scarier to me than the known bad present I had. The harsh truth is, you will never know what the future holds until you take steps towards it.

I truly hope you will take the time and talk with your therapist about the fact that you have the feeling that you want to run away. Even if you don’t know why yet. Talking about it can definitely help. If you have a good therapist, she will want to help you and help create a system so you can get the help you deserve.
You’re loved :hrtlegolove:

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Hi,
Thanks for the replies everybody…
I thought Ill reply after atleast a session…hence the delay.

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Hi @Aardvark @Wings @I-Am-Reclaimer @nyntje

Thank you all for the lovely and helpful replies.
I know its been long…

The therapy sessions after I posted this were kind of painful?

I have difficulty being vulnerable and trusting ANYBODY. Like, superficially, I do generally trust people (or so I think)…but if somebody does anything (inadvertently too) Im quick to cut off the relationship and beat myself up for craving relationships and causing myself hurt. I hope this makes sense.

I know that’s how realistic relationships are. Its a world of hurt and happiness and any relationship can end or withstand differences/difficulties. But on one side I INTENSELY crave unconditional love (not real I know) but on the other cannot trust anybody.

@Aardvark
Im usually not entirely honest to my therapists… I take a loong time to open up with everybody and unfortunately its the same with therapist. So this time she said, “its been 6 sessions and I see that you are still testing the waters…how long are you going to do this?” and then I kind of realised I test EVERYBODY.
Also, like you I do feel ashamed a lot. I feel a lot of shame talking about my issues (very silly I know) to therapists too. I didnt realise it was shame till I read your reply haha (thank you for that).

I NEVER cry in sessions (shame?). Not just with this lady, but last 5 therapists too. This has been a huge issue for me because my throat clenches up and I cannot speak when it happens. Im working towards it…now let out a few tears here and there…hopefully Ill have one good bawl sometime in the future.

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Yes…Im tired of jumping from therapist to therapist and repeating the same stuff over and over again AND getting multiple diagnosis And yes, I have started to nitpick how therapists react/reply/respond because I dont think they are good enough.

After reading your reply I picked up the courage to be very honest with her about how I feel about therapy in general.
My current therapist is REALLY trying and sometimes gets frustrated too I think. She helped me realise I have pretty deep trust issues/refuse to ask or take help etc. and although I felt she was mean then and Im a bit nervous now…I HAD to hear the truth about how I approach/come prepared for sessions with her (following 2 sessions after I was honest with her were kind of painful :sweat_smile:).
It was good.
I know its so stupid to go for therapy and not talk about myself haha.

Getting diagnosed ADD was great…it really helped with being able to forgive myself and slowly work towards accepting and loving myself. I loved the ADD community too…I felt seen…like there are so many others out there who can relate to me. I felt a lot less alone.

But its scary and saddening at the same time too.
So many disorders…it makes me feel weak, angry and ashamed. Last session (yesterday) I was diagnosed with having OCPD traits too. Im feel gutted. I usually dive into mental health resources to learn about whatever Im diagnosed with…but now, Im simply disappointed in myself…which is yet another stupid thing to say. But its how I feel.
But it explains a lot of my behaviour and stubborn a$& beliefs…even things like my inability to believe that people genuinely love or want me in their life, my inability to do the exercises/work that the therapist gives and stuff.

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Thats precisely how I am!
The first paragraph is (was?) me.

For me, opening up to somebody -in the long run-resulted in loss of the relationship. Nobody likes or encourages the company of sad mopey wet blankets who are always whining. That’s a fact. I lost a lot of great/fun people that way…and now experience utter loneliness. Some stopped picking my calls, some would immediately change the topic…I had become such a headache to those around me. Its not because they are bad people… They couldnt handle their issues and mine, which is understandable.

Do I have family and friends? Yes… but does the existing people in my life know everything about me? No. I CANNOT open my mouth and tell about anything that hurts for the fear of rejection. Now its become a habit…physically my throat closes up and i keep swallowing down my hurt.

I just have a handful of people I love, I dont want to loose them too.

Thanks for telling me your story, the kind words and encourgement!

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It is real. Rare maybe, but real anyway. If it was not real, the concept wouldn’t be within your frame of reference. I’m in a relationship in which unconditional love was present not too long after it began. It doesn’t mean never getting irritated with someone, but it forms a foundation of kindness and compassion that doesn’t get violated. Is there someone you love unconditionally?

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in college, but it still helped and you’re right, it lifted a weight of shame off my shoulders. I have some OCD traits, but for the most part I take advantage of them. I think one of the main ones is perfectionism. For example, when I detail a car, I polish everything including door hinges and latches, under the weather stripping, the bottoms of the doors, hood and trunk lids, around the gas filler cap. Every Thursday, it’s vacuumed and dusted inside. I’m pretty meticulous inside the house too.

I admire your introspection. You are evolving into a much wiser person. By the way, even those who love unconditionally will sometimes disappoint you. Even when the tone of a relationship is unconditionally loving, we are human and we do screw up a lot. When the foundation of a relationship is unconditional love, even screw ups can be instrumental in growing stronger and closer to each other.

Because you have a deep understanding of unconditional love, even if there is no one presently worthy of it in your life, it’s entirely possible that some of those around you will begin to understand that kind of love. There are others in the world who are willing to give and receive unconditional love. Finding them is the issue.

The words of Mother Teresa came to mind as I read your post, so here they are:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa’s children’s home in Calcutta.”

― Mother Teresa

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