Anxious, Lonely and a feeling of emptiness

HeartSupport Support
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Hi, I’ve recently moved to university and I’m having a lot of issues since I’ve started. I’ve been here for about 3 weeks and I’m currently having a really bad time, I’ve found it extremely hard to settle in and found myself to be extremely lonely. I’m on a floor of 6 other students my age however I’m unable to interact with them as I simply feel to anxious, This has resulted in me being unable to use my floors kitchen and staying in my room, therefore I have been eating very minimally and haven’t had more than one meal a day since I arrived here. I’m feeling very stuck, lonely and empty. I’ve had issues with being lonely and having periods of depression. My situation here is only making it worse. My main concern is that this will continue, as I’m starting to feel its too late to try and get to know the people on my floor, they seemed to get along very quickly whilst I’m stuck in my room with nobody to talk to. Its so draining and is starting to cause serious concern with my family.

If you could have any input it would be very much appreciated.

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Hi Daidavis!

I went through a similar experience when like yours when I went to college. However, I lived at home with my parents and simply commuted daily. Even though I lived with my parents, when I was at school, I felt so alone. I spent my entire day on campus, going from one class to another and honestly there were days were I talked to no one. And I would think about the expression “surrounded by many people, but feeling so alone” - I had never understood that until I was at my university. My situation changed though, I slowly made friends and I had people to study with and hangout with, but there were still so many moments when I felt alone. I would call my mom when I was walking to class or the library and just talk to her. If I could go back and re-do my time at college, I would have joined a club or an organization to meet people sooner and have a community. Is there any chance you could slowly try make friends with the students on your floor? like maybe start with a little small talk? Maybe there are also videos on youtube you can watch to help you overcome this? You are not alone in this! We are here for you! I hope your university experience gets better!

Lisa

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Hi, thanks for the reply. Ive joined some clubs in order to try and make friends but Ive still had no luck. One of the things I worry about is that I come across in the wrong way e.g me not wanting to talk to them. Ive talked to a few family members about the idea of messaging the people on my floor and explaining that it make take time for me to get to know them etc. However I feel doing this exposes a form of weakness but also feel uncomfortable opening up to people Ive talked to 1 or 2 times.

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Thank you for reaching out and sharing. I’m sorry you’re feeling that loneliness. Loneliness and isolation are hard and it is especially difficult when you’re trying to feel out a new change that big. It’s a big change for everyone and everyone is trying to adjust to the new environment and people. It’s definitely never too late to try and talk to people, although I know you said you’re working through anxiety around interacting with them. Are there things that help you to feel more comfortable around people? Like for me, if I know someone likes similar music, it’s about 20x easier for me to start a conversation with them. For my husband, he is able to feel more comfortable meeting people over food.

My only input is that during my college transition, I had to work up the courage to sit in the same place as the ‘group’ and that helped because when you’re in a shared space people can get opportunities to get to know. Again, I know you said it’s hard to do things like that due to anxiety but it’s a good start to just not put pressure on yourself to talk to someone or meet someone but open yourself up to opportunities for others to meet you.

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Try to join us to join some clubs on campus and meet people with similar interests. Its all I say.

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As you only started school 3 weeks ago, it’s okay you’re still adjusting. A lot of people take quite a bit of time to get used to college. I see that you’ve joined some clubs to make friends and that’s a great first step! Go to those meetings and participate! Don’t be like I was and be too lazy to go haha.

When it comes to your floor, you mentioned everyone seems to get along already while you are stuck in your room. I know it can be kind of scary, bc historically I haven’t been the type to make myself be outgoing either. But you have to get out of your room. You’re not going to make any friends in there, right? Use the kitchen. Bc first of all it’s important that you’re eating healthy. But while you’re cooking or eating in there, a floor mate might come in and ask what you’re cooking, and a convo starts from there. You just have to be where people are and be ready to talk.

Here’s an example: like I said I don’t normally push myself to be outgoing. I tend to stick w/ the friends I’ve already got/my comfort zone. Well last week I went to a social mixer thing for the first time ever. I got there super early and there was like 4 ppl there not talking too much. They stopped when I joined so we could all introduce ourselves. And then it was kinda quiet and I felt pretty awkward! So to stop feeling awkward, I took matters into my own hands and started asking everyone where they lived, where they worked, etc. The convo ended up flowing naturally from there. I ended up spending a lot of time with 2 cool people and we exchanged instagrams and planned to get drinks soon. I took the initiative the day after to start a group chat on IG, saying how nice it was to meet and wishing everyone a good weekend. Can you believe I was actually nervous to send that message? But I said I’m being silly, I just met both of these people, they’re really nice, and I want to make sure we hang out again. And they responded to my message, and I plan to text them again today seeing when they wanna meet up.

I’m taking matters into my own hands and not assuming they’re gonna say no or not talk to me. I have to ask and see what happens. And if they ignore me or push me off, I’ll get the hint, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But there’s always more opportunities. I’m actually going to another social, mixer tonight.

Sorry this response is a bit long but I wanted to share this with you because I wish I’d been more outgoing in college. I was friendly with my roommates, but after I started commuting my 2nd yr, I didn’t make any true friends until I got a tutoring job my 3rd yr. I met one of my best friends there. All being young people in college working this same job really brought us together. Made it easy to talk because we had so much common ground.

But I could’ve made a lot more friends had I been more open to it, had I not stayed in my room, or went home right after class. So as someone who also has a history of staying in, not pushing themselves to be outgoing, and getting anxious, I want to tell you it is possible for you to make friends. You just have to choose to be out where people are. You have to put the effort in, even when you feel nervous. It’s not too late. It’s never too late, actually. You just have to make it happen, and I promise you you’re going to be nicely surprised :slight_smile:

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Hello! I hope I can say something to encourage you. I’ve had this kind of experience more than once in my life. You are not the only one who feels this way! Please know that so many of us have struggled through these exact same feelings, and right now, there are countless others on your campus who are in their rooms feeling this way, wishing they could meet someone kind and understanding like you. As horrible as you feel–and there’s no denying it’s the most gut-wrenching sick feeling–I believe these experiences are your chance to find freedom from the things that are causing you to suffer. You can find answers. Start by believing that. You are valuable. You are not a misfit. Do you know what has caused you to feel lonely and depressed in the past? Can you begin to face those things and then seek help to deal with how those affected you? I can tell you that in most cases (maybe all), you can’t fix yourself, but you can find help and healing when you are ready. See that all these people posting here care about you, and you can find many others around you who also care!

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