hey all. to preface, I’m new here-- I learned about this organization earlier today from Twitch. additionally, the purpose of this post is basically just to get everything off my chest. I honestly just want to vent a little bit.
my issues with my self image began when I was around 11-12. I was in middle school which as you know is a common period of time for these types of anxieties to begin. although I was really young, I had started dating a boy who I’ll call P just because I absolutely hate even remembering his name. only a few days after we began dating, he told me that quite a few personal friends of both of ours’ said I was ugly and weird.
at the time, I wanted to pretend that it didn’t bother me. I was 12 and I was one of those kids that acted like the opinions of others didn’t matter, but they really did. it was really awkward seeing those friends daily knowing what they really thought of me. I became extremely self conscious of almost everything I did and began hating my appearance.
he was a terrible boyfriend and over the course of the relationship, which didn’t last long at all, my mental health deteriorated more. he had no problem telling me mean things that other people said about me. I found it hard to enjoy even simple things-- I was constantly thinking of my appearance and what other people thought about me.
he kept trying to kiss me even though I told him I wasn’t ready. truth was, I was never actually into him and only agreed to date him out of pity. stupid I know, but I was a kid I guess. one day I decided to go over to his house. I’ve repressed most of what happened that day, but I vaguely remember being held down on his mattress which was on the floor for some reason.
I was really traumatized after that and blocked him on all social media. haven’t talked to him since, and I’m glad for that. but all of the times he told me I was ugly still affect me even now. I still have nightmares about him as well.
so much time has passed and yet I still over analyze my appearance, and compare myself to other women. I feel like I’m not pretty, and I’m self conscious of my weight as well. I’m doing better than I was as a teenager though-- I’m definitely not in a perfect mental state, but I’ve made a lot of progress.