So, my art therapist told me to look into getting a job in art because she said it’s professional. And for a while now I’ve been wanting to do this but I have alot of fears about art. One thing I haven’t talked about in ages, I, kinda just make excuses for it because I’m scared to admit it. I don’t usually like being prideful about my work, but my fears are one thing that aalllwwwaays gets the best of me. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to share my art with people and every time I do I shortly delete it unexpectedly, this is due to those fears. it’s because the fact is I don’t have a media to share this art in one place and gain followers, so have this dumb fear that any art I share will be stolen by someone. Ik it’s dumb, but since I was rlly young I’ve gotten my art stolen and people who have wanted to sabotage or destroy my work out of jealousy, one person even went as far as to get me entered into a contest and make a fake account of that contest and have me enter into it, and then pretend to be the art hoster and steal my art for the real contest, all because “they couldn’t draw”. This was someone I was kinda close to, so I was extremely pissed about it, almost attacked them but held myself back since I wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the terrible host act that was so obviously spoken by a kid. As that’s one story, I wouldn’t be so worried if I had a social media to post my art on, but the thing is I don’t want a social media. I know it’s what I need for a job but for fucks sakes, I’m not a socializer. My art is my treasure and I don’t want to risk it’s safety. I’ve seen servers completley dedicated to stealing art, and they talk about it like it’s nothing and it enrages me. I just don’t want something like that to happen to me, so I just never share it, but, that also means I literally don’t get to share it. Ik it’s a dumb fear, and a little egotistical but I really care about my art and I’ve known for a fact in life I’ve always been pretty top of the class. If I hadn’t have moved schools in hs my art teacher would have reccomended me to an art college, they were already putting notes in my critique book telling me how much they liked my art, but I also know they ended up hating me anyways, because my ADHD, anxiety, and depression was so bad that it irritated them, but in general this art teacher just didn’t like anyone who was even slightly neurodivergent, so also a reason, (and also bc I always forgot to clean the table and when I had panic attacks or depression I’d sit and sleep during class or go to the counselors office and they didn’t like that either) art has kinda fed my hatred for people, because since I was different, they always treated me like I was, and I hated that the most, and I hated how they treated eachother and their work, I got pissed with them when they didn’t respect another person’s art and it was so irritating when they treated me like I was autistic just because I’m slightly neurodivergent and I was the only FUCKING different kid in that damn class, so I fucking fit in with no one. I really loved that class though, I just wish I didn’t experience a certain trauma from that friend yrs ago that fucked up my entire 3 years of school left, I really do loathe human existence sometimes, ecspecially highschool kids that treat me like the child ffs. Treat me like a fucking human being ffs. I hate teenagers, I fucking hate them. They’re creepy and fucking weird, psychopathic and insane, they’re shells of an empty human who don’t realize that their own insanity reflects on those who actually notice it, and it drives those people even more crazy than them, to the point where they want nothing more than to see them with their mouths all stapled shut thrown into their own burning hell bc ffs they need to grow the fuck up and then they wonder “oh why is everyone shooting eachother?”. Ugh, went off track, I just really fucking hate kids. Demonic fake little zombieshits most with no fucking brain, and those who do are so god damned hard to find, but then again, who knows. Maybe my school was cursed by fucking demons or something, but from what I’ve seen the entire gen Z is a shit show of all types of insanity.
Anyways, yea, little night rant. I’ve just been stressed latley, triggers and all. Therapist says to not let the trigger take control of you but idk exactly how to not let that happen, I mean how do u prevent a trigger before you know it’s coming.
I’ve been really coming to question latley if I can actually genuinely function in society… If people become a phobia for me, more than it already has, then how am I even going to be able to function around another person?