I know it’s more about an unrequited love, but it also speaks to the grief of losing your love to death, to me at least.
“I don’t know what to do when she makes me sad.” To me, is the gut-wrenching pain of having lost my wife. I don’t know where to go with all of this pain that she makes me feel. She isn’t around to talk about it anymore.
“But I won’t let this build up inside of me.” To me, is the grief of losing her. Recognizing that it’s like a poison within me, drowning me from the inside out.
“She isn’t real. I can’t make her real.” To me, is the realization that I cannot will her back to life, no matter what I do.
thank you for being here and for your vulnerability with your wife’s suicide. i can absolutely see how this song can connect so deeply with your pain and grief. i can feel your despair through the words of your comment… please know that you are seen, understood, and so incredibly valued. sending you so much love and comfort as you continue to heal and grieve.
What you said was so touching. So sorry you face this; but your understanding is filled with wisdom. I wish you for continued strength in your journey.
Thank you so much for sharing about your story, about the loss of your wife, and how this song resonates with your personally. There are so many layers to grief that make is such a deep and violent experience yet something so subtle, delicate and troubling at the same time. You’ve painted some of those layers in such a honest, vulnerable and accurate manner. Thank you for allowing us to see you, to hear your voice and to understand how it’s been for your heart during the last seven months.
I heard once someone saying this quote, that grief is about all the love that don’t have any place to go to anymore. It’s like having this deep energy, this call for love and connection that gets interrupted by a wall of silence each time it tries to go out. This entire world that we shared with someone suddenly got divided, and we’re left carrying this world for two. Under different circumstances, I’ve felt this myself so many times through the sudden loss of someone dear to my heart, and words are definitely not enough to express the brutality of this reality that is imposed at you, over and over and over.
There’s this song of M.Shinoda that conveys it so well: “Sometimes you don’t say goodbye once, you say goodbye over and over and over again…”. Because that reality keeps hitting you like waves, and you can only do your best to ride them each time. On one side there’s the beauty of this legacy of love and the very fat that it exists, of all that it means and implies, of all the good memories and the chance to have created them with someone so unique. While on the other side there’s all the silences, the feeling of carrying a void within and being stuck in time. The world keeps turning ardoun you, but inside there is something that has been frozen and immobilized. It’s hard to keep on keeping on when it feels like your heart is pulled in opposite directions. It’s hard to not feel guilty for breathing when we mourn the ones who don’t.
I know words fall short when it’s about the pain of losing someone so close to your heart, and so important in your life. In the end, a lot of people can say a lot of things that don’t serve much anything. For what it’s worth, I see you, I hear you, and I wish for you to find one day a sense of peace within. Which is not forgetting, denying, or betraying. Only finding a sense of balance between honoring the memory of your wife, of letting it be a part of your life and present in a way that feels meaningful for you, at your own pace.
