As-everyone-knows-me-and-my-parents-don-t-get-alon

From sammmy2000: As everyone knows me and my parents don’t get alone… and we had our fights… me and dad were going to a place and I started talking with him about college and I told him “I dont know if I want to continue on this major) so he told me to go to other major or still as I wanted but he said he wishes I finished college on time… I realized how selfish I was and how selfish he is… it’s I don’t hate him… I just wish our relationship could gone better then this… could i be wrong for not listening when I was in the other major…,

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It is really hard when you’re young and there’s so many options in front of you. How are you meant to know where you are going to be in 10 years, how do you know what you’re going to be passionate about when you haven’t tried it before?

I hope that you both keep communicating about this and exploring what options are out there. I don’t think it’s a wrong thing to want to find your place, I also know it’s not wrong for parents to worry and want security for us.

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hey sammy, first off, i love that you’re exploring different career/major paths to pursue while you’re still enrolled in college. a majority of people changed their majors at varying points in their college journey - it’s normal and okay! do you think your dad’s approach to switching majors comes from a tuition stand-point since more credits to graduate = more semesters to pay for? i’m rooting for you and your dad to meet on the same level so you can both find a solid solution that works for all sides! because at the end of the day, your satisfaction with the major path you pursue is what should matter because that can help shape your future ahead. i believe in you to do all it takes to get the most out of your education! love, twix

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Hi Sammy2000, It can be a struggle getting along with our parents when we are younger for no other reason than the generational gap, things are seen so much more differently as you get a bit older even by one generation there is so much change and I think in that respect parents can fear that, that speed of change can have a massive impact on their children so just want the best for them, that doesn’t mean you are wrong or selfish, you just have a different point of view and that is ok. As you get older your point of view will change again and so will your parents and hopefully there will be a better understanding and acceptence of eachother. In the meantime see if you can both come to a place of compromise and work on your relationship. Much Love lisa. x

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Hey Sam, thank you so much for reaching out. I know it’s been a rollercoaster for you to manage these relationships with your parents, and how much grades/school/expectations put on your future have been weighing on you. To be fair, in this interaction that you describe, none of you are selfish. You are standing from both sides of one situation, with different experiences and different expectations. Both of them are valid, understandable, but it also makes sense that these two positions are difficult to consolidate together. You are not selfish for having a hard time and needing to make changes in what was your initial plan regarding college. And your dad seems to have expectations for you because he wants you to have a high education that would serve you in your future. What’s difficult though, is when it feels like communication is just not functioning, and that you’re constantly facing this wall of being misunderstood, or of having others expectations forced on you… I’m sorry that all of this has given you major stress for so long. Something positive through all of this, is that you do express your needs, and it sounds that your dad isn’t totally dismissing it anymore, even if he stands on his position. If I may ask, what makes you feel like you may need to change your major? Are there aspects of the one you picked that are too overwhelming, or too far from what you expected? Is there any other major that seems more attractive and interesting to you? It’s OK if you realize along the way that something may not be for you. That doesn’t make you a failure, and that certainly doesn’t make you selfish. :heart:

From sammmy2000: I can’t even tell him no and he cries and make trouble and of course when I’m trying to say no to him, his mom (my sister) would look at us or just tell us to leave him alone… I’m sick… I feel like a dick for being angry at him… he’s 3 it drives me crazy how much he gets away with anything because of him mom… am I wrong for being upset…

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From ManekiNeko: It’s a bit of a delicate situation. We can’t really parent someone else’s child, of course we can ask them not to do something or distract them with something else. It’s hard for them to comprehend big emotions and know how to control them. Sometimes things we feel like shame or humiliation for being told no, we know how to handle. We apologise and we may feel guilty for a while, but children that young express their emotions big and in the only way they know how. Usually through tears. They sort of learn how to express and name their emotions through learning and by us helping voice them. Like “I can see you’re upset right now, is that because you were told no and it frustrates you that you’re not allowed to do that?”

From sammmy2000: I feel like I’m being an a hole… but I don’t mean hurt… just me trying to stop them getting in trouble

From ManekiNeko: You’re not being an asshole, it’s just hard to navigate with children at their level of understanding. They can’t see the full picture like we can, and they don’t have that initiative we have as adults. They think in terms of here and now.

From sammmy2000: She is angry because the person who came to help her clean isn’t working slow and not doing what she wants… and of course she took the anger at me because hell to me… she’s a monster I can’t take her anymore

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So she is angry and you are angry about her anger. It sounds like you’re really upset. It’s not easy to make the best decisions while feeling frustrated and out of sorts. Give yourself time to calm down and consider your options.

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From sammmy2000: I’m just tried… tried of hearing my parents talk about how wow that person is done with college and you’re in the start, or this person has younger then you and they fished but you failed… they’re just adding weight on my shoulders and I don’t know if it’s me or the finals… but I feel like I’m blowing up sooner or later

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Yeah well, I was in my 40s by the time I finished college. There will always be people who run faster, jump higher, finish sooner, make more money or otherwise be ahead of us. At the same time, without a doubt, we are succeeding to a greater extent than many others.

Are you able to communicate with your parents to the extent that you can inform them that shaming you will not make you perform better?

Don’t blow up! If necessary, shut your parent’s voices out of your hearing. You don’t need them rattling your nerves while you are focusing on finals. In a sense, your parents are teaching you to ignore them, at least about the kind of stuff they are telling you now.

From Rohini_868: it sounds like you REACT a lot to what your parents say, so it becomes a cycle. they say something you get frustrated, they see that it gets a reaction, they continue to do it.

one way you could try to break out of this cycle is by writing down some positive affirmations that you remind yourself of, and use these to repeat to yourself so you develop a sense of stability inside yourself. Examples can include:

  • i’m trying my best at my studies
  • this isn’t a competition, i just have to do MY best in class
  • i want to enjoy learning
  • i will practise and study so I do well
  • i am doing this to make myself happy

your parents’ opinions don’t have to be yours. You don’t have to listen to what they say and take it seriously “That’s your opinion, not mine” could help you.

From sammmy2000: My dad just told me not to put my grades in snapchat because he’s scared people may envy me because it’s high… and it upset me because I don’t know why… after that he told me he’s and my mom they’re proud of me… I just haven’t felt like that’s really happy for me

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From a_dude_named_juan: they could just not want conflict getting started between you or someone else of them being jealous (envying) of you or someone could get upset n call you names like nerd or sm, Reguardless i dont think your wrong i think it would be fine even if something happened it would play out

Hey Sammy! I get you are excited about your grades. You have every right to be, you worked towards for it to be what it is. An experience I came across when I was going to school was someone’s grades were taking a turn for the worse and their step dad had forced them to run the school track until they puked. So you just never know what other people may be going through. You don’t know if anyone might see your grades and feel depressed. Maybe your dad had experienced seeing someone else hurt because of grades when he went to school, you never know. If you want to celebrate your grades, you totally should! Maybe ask your parents if you guys can celebrate some how in a way that you guys know you can afford and that you would enjoy. And be open with telling them that just their words alone isn’t fulfilling your hearts needs at this moment. Wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your hard work paying off in your grades!

Hey Sam,

Congratulations again on your grades! I hope you’re proud of yourself, because we’re surely all so very proud of you here. Knowing how difficult the communication could be with your parents at times, it’s also good to hear that they have expressed their feelings and validated this huge accomplishment!

It makes though to feel frustrated and hurt by the opposite reaction that your dad had about sharing on snapchat. You have this big accomplishment that happened thanks to your efforts, consistency and hard work, so it’s natural to want to share it with as many people as possible! It’s beautiful to want to share your joy. It’s possible that your dad is only trying to protect you there as well as other students who are still on the process of going through their exams. Socials can be wild places sometimes where people’s reactions are less filtered and can be very rough. As @ExtremelyKind said, it is absolutely appropriate to want to celebrate this though! I hope your parents and you can figure out some ways to do it that are safe AND enjoyable to you! Something you would both agree on.

To reiterate, we are SO proud of you and rejoice with you. This has been an intense and challenging journey for you – what a celebration now! :hrtlegolove:

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From sammmy2000: I’m angry and sad and anxious… I’m thinking of a million things but my parents doesn’t even care about it… I’m greatly upsetting they just don’t see how much I been dealing… they’re already give crap for every thing I do… I don’t know… I just want to be happy and stop dealing with them

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I’m sorry you’re experiencing such upsetting feelings. Sadly, too often, parents are preoccupied with their own issues, in many cases those that need to be given priority in order to maintain family finances and security. In addition, life was different when your parents were growing up, so they may not understand how things have become more difficult for people your age.

There’s also a common mindset that there are adult problems and kid problems, and by default, the assumption of this concept is that kid problems are less important. That assumption ignores the fact that when kid problems are not addressed appropriately and with sensitivity, the kids end up being adults with potentially life long negative effects.

So, you need to ask yourself, “do my parents really not care, or do they not understand how important my issues are?” One thing common among people of all ages is that they often decide that whatever’s important to them is what everyone else should think is important. In addition, people often think whatever’s upsetting them is more serious than what might be upsetting someone else. These erroneous beliefs permeate the culture, so most people think it’s normal and acceptable to feel that way.

Guiding a shift in culture is a lifelong project. So, while you’re upset with your parents, you also have an opportunity to think about how to help your kids if you have them, or other young people to avoid passing on this habit of not giving appropriate consideration to issues their kids find upsetting.

I want you to be happy in spite of their problems.