At my breaking point

I try so hard to be positive but I can’t take it anymore. I want to leave my family, they’re unbearable.

How do I leave when they’re struggling from our mistakes? I wanted to leave before this and now things are worse.

How do I leave when I have nowhere to go and they depend on my bf who lives with us’ money?

My bf quit his job because of the toxic environment and didn’t prepare to get a job beforehand, a mistake on his part. Now everyone is stressed.

I wish he never moved in so he wouldn’t have to deal with this…

I understand their frustration, I do. It’s just the way that they are about it is so damn unbearable. They’re acting like he’ll never be able to find a job again, like every job pays 8 an hour and he’ll never be able to find another 13/hr job. Am I nuts or is that not impossible? Jesus christ.

I’ve never had a job and I’m trying to finally get my ID, and idek if it will work out. But then they’ll rely on my money.

What do I do? I feel like absolute crap and I can’t stand them anymore. I want to leave more than I’ve ever wanted to before.

5 Likes

It sounds to me like your parents gave up on raising you and are now trying to be your and your bf’s dependents. You need to take care of your life before you can take care of anyone else’s. You and your bf need to be financially stable and independent before you can think about helping your parents. Otherwise, you’re enabling them. You’re not really helping them if it’s out of your control, you’re more just bleeding out for them.

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. We mostly want to help out our families, because that’s what families are supposed to do. Did your parents allow your bf to move in to ease the burden of paying rent? If so, they may now feel entitled to his income. Even if he moved in by choice to help out, they probably feel like that was a permanent change in circumstance. Either way, he/you may now be in a position where it would be hard to save enough to get your own place, even without supporting your parents.

Getting financially entangled with family is really tough. It’s easy for them to make you feel like you owe them because they’re family or they do/have done other stuff for you, and you don’t want to leave them high and dry. However, you can’t stand on solid ground if they keep pulling you back into their swamp, and you don’t even have the option to help them if you’re not on solid ground. I hope you and your bf get jobs soon and can find a way out of there so you can get on your own feet. Let us know how it goes!

3 Likes

Hey itsnotoveryet, EsRivs took some time and responded to your post live on YouTube. Here’s the video so you can watch and hear their response!

3 Likes

Thank you so much to EsRivs and to you, @SheetMetalHead for the response. I was not expecting this at all, thank you again.

I give a lot of context on my life here → :heart::heart::heart:

I hope you could take a moment to have a look for better understanding, again thank you and I appreciate the being noticed in the first place. Heart support has been a really helpful place when I’m at my worst.

To try to add some context other than from this link, I only have my mother, older brother, and his fiance. My mother can no longer work from body pain issues over the years and my brother and his fiance work. You hit the nail on the head about my boyfriend being the one that pays rent.

My brother is basically the “leader” of the house, and me and my boyfriend rely on him for us getting a license and me getting an ID. I haven’t got the ID in two years, and now I’m trying to get it secretly on my own. My boyfriend has yet to get a license thanks to the car always having a new issue while my brother is also “building” his own car.

To top it off, he helped my boyfriend get the job he has now, dunkin donuts, where both my brother and his fiance also work. My brother is exactly what you’d expect from the term “narcissist”, as mentioned from my previous post and manages to be the “boss” becaus the boss is too passive, so he makes a lot of moves there. My bf used to only work there, and then took little shifts after leaving the job.

Now that he’s out of his main job, he has no choice but to go back to dunkin. The shitty part is that he found a new job that he would most likely get thanks to his best friend working there, and the moment we drive out of there, my brother calls to drag him back to that job. We feel like children, it really sucks.

My boyfriend is starting to feel like I did, stuck at home, except he’s stuck at that job where my brother makes all the rules like he does at home. And the crappy part is we’ll have less money for ourselves working for that one single job, compared to before. We’re sick of it.

Apologies for the ramble. I don’t like to seem like I “expect” someone to help me but I thought I would make clarification so that maybe I could be understood more.

What both you, @SheetMetalHead and EsRivs said is everything that has been on both me and my boyfriend’s mind, we want to go so bad, but we’re stuck and don’t know how to go by this, and afraid of the toxic consequences.

If by some miracle we leave, this year (that is just me looking into the clouds), I would be more than happy to let you know! But as of right now, we are so so stuck. Thank you again for you both trying to send over some support, I atleast don’t feel crazy for wanting to leave! That is a plus, atleast. Haha. EsRivs was right about me being positive in a sense :’)

4 Likes

Hey @itsnotoveryet,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this and giving a bit more of context. I honestly don’t know how it feels to live in a functional family of some kind, but regardless, I can assure you that how you feel is absolutely understandable. You’re not crazy at all. In the same position, I’d definitely feel the same as you do. This need for freedom is already there at some point once we grew up, but when you’re also in some kind of controlling environment, then it surely doesn’t help.

It’s unfortunate that these circumstances are mixed up - the paperwork that needs to be done and put you on hold, your mom’s situation, your bother’s personality… It’s a lot at the same time, and again it really makes sense to feel how you feel.

I know we can’t come with solutions right here, but I just wanted to take a bit of time today to encourage you to keep looking after what you want. Moving out maybe won’t happen anytime soon, but it will surely happen. It’s frustrating that it’s also depending on the context and how fast some things are resolved, such as getting your ID and such. Paperwork is not the funniest part… but these are definitely steps you’re making forward. It may seem insignificant or without any effect at the moment, but somehow it’s like a wall that you learn to build, brick by brick.

Through all of this, your boyfriend and you have each other too. I don’t know how much you communicate together about these challenges that you are facing, but I hope you can maintain or at least keep a space just for the both of you, and for your dreams as well. Whenever I feel lost in a situation that makes me feel stuck, or like everything is out of control, or not changing fast enough, I find it quite helpful to sit down a little and set some perspectives for the future, with a list of steps/things to do to get there. Sometimes, just having a clear idea of what you’re heading for, also what needs to be done, can help to feel less overwhelmed and more in control. And the good news is, this can be done with your boyfriend, as something that you both own. Every relationship needs projects/perspectives that keeps them moving on, even if it has to be changed over time.

I also hope that you don’t blame yourself or carry any guilt for feeling the way you do. Sometimes the love we carry for someone like family members is healthier with a distance. It doesn’t make it less real. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just that there are too many circumstances that are interfering right now. You feel in your guts that moving out will be better for everyone, and I truly hope that this will happen sooner than you expect. Keep doing what’s needed for that. Step by step. You will get there without a doubt. Through all of this, we’re here to support you, always. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Oh, Micro… I certainly wasn’t expecting anymore responses to this, and felt this “stuck” feeling in my head that I just kept in the back of my head.
I really appreciate you taking the time to message me, I can’t believe it. Thank you for your encouragement, I often find itself feeling stuck where I am.

It is “comfortable” in a sense. Kind of like eating bread all your life because you were given nothing else. It tastes great at first or when you’re hungry, gets tiring and bland, and is unhealthy if it’s all you take in. Don’t know how to say bread is controlling or enjoys screaming at me when upset, though, haha. I do wish I could genuinely call it “functional”, but there’s so much wrong that I don’t give my experiences credit for enough. Although I know I have it better than others, I’m sure, but I wouldn’t ever want anyone in my place either. I’m referencing the growing up and needed freedom in a controlling environment, may have been a bit out of context, apologies.

I will try my best to put things into perspective, and remain patient (don’t have much of a choice there). I will try to set clear ideas and try to keep up my spirits and encourage my boyfriend as well in times of need, and we do communicate a lot (the man keeps me sane). There may not be instant solutions for my situation, and it will be tough, but I really appreciate you not only empathizing with me, but assuring and encouraging me that I can get through this and that I’m not crazy.

I will try to end this rambling here, but thank you so very much, Micro. I will be reading this, and other meaningful responses when I’m at my lowest. You all are absolutely amazing. I may not have much to offer, but I am here to support you as well, have my virtual hugs (if you’re comfortable with that), and I’m wishing you all the best, you deserve so much for the selfless messages you make here. :heart:

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.