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At the end of my rope but trying

There’s a storm of things I’ve been going through, I don’t know where to start. My mom has been going through cancer since October last year, I’ve been pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind. My grandpa commited suicide in July and it’s incredibly hard. I’ve had intense urges to give in again to attempts or self harm. I’ve had numerous anxiety attacks the past few months which a few have put me in the hospital. I have been given a medication but I’m scared to take it. I am a Christian person/follower of Christ and I don’t want to undo all my weight loss. Next week is my 21st birthday, I’m contemplating all the wreckless stuff I could get myself into. I just hate being around anymore, especially with all this covid crap in Michigan. I feel like I do not fit in, I have a desire to make music but now it seems like all won’t be possible anytime soon. I really like this girl that will probably never like me back. Idk why I even fascinate about it. I don’t want medications either because I will feel more sluggish. I lost my job today and I have a car that’s 400 a month which I just bought.
Good thing is I have a band I play lead guitar , I constantly wonder if I’ll be good enough though. Even though my mental health can be such a wreck and I try everything I can to keep my head afloat in every area. My peers do not handle me well with mental health history, I don’t understand as a Christian why mental health is so stigmatized in the church. I don’t feel like I belong anymore. I feel like a mistake.

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Hey man I’m been dealing with the same shit and it hard battle to fight and medication May take alway to get use to it and it good you have faith and it okay to question it. We all in this fight together . Stay strong my friend, and don’t give up.

You’re not a mistake, my friend. It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now, and it can make one really struggle. Especially when you add mental health issues into the mix. I am glad to hear that you do have a positive, with your band. Music is a wonderful way to express oneself and can be therapeutic.

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