At the end of my rope

i am at the end of my rope i want to kill myself. my wife asked me to do things and i just cant bring myself to do them i feel like such a failure. i am doing the best i can i take my meds i go to therapy i even meet with my pastor weekly. but at the same time i feel like i am not good enough and the world would be better without me. as i sit here witting this i amm crying and shaking idk what to do anymore. we started talking about having kids and meet with the ivf doctor next month and i feel like if i cant even unload the dishwasher how can i be a dad. if i just end my life now she could move on and find someone better and have kids since i am the issue. if you read this thank you i know it isnt put together well but i needed to get this off my chest

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@drsmerfmaster
Thanks for sharing. You said it yourself. You’re doing the best you can. That’s a good thing to keep reminding yourself. Your existence matters to me - and I’m a complete stranger, so, I can only imagine how your wife feels about you. She’s wanting to take life a step further WITH YOU. Coming from a mother of 4 - if you know how to love, then being a dad will come naturally. It may even help you in ways you didn’t think were possible. I know it has for me. I hope you can find some peace. Keep coming back. This isn’t the end for you. Hold fast my friend.

With all of my love,
Shay

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@drsmerfmaster Thank you sharing this. I saw you in the stream today asking about how to reach out. I’m so proud of you for doing this. Your wife loves you and wants to have a life with you. She will help you through this and learn to better yourself. You can do this. Your life is worth it.

Hold Fast
Kayla

Hey @drsmerfmaster,

Thank you so much for reaching out. It’s very important to talk about your feelings as opposed to bottling them up. I hope that you find safety and refuge within the HeartSupport community!

Your wife loves you and she would be devistated if anything happened to you. That, I can guarantee. We at HeartSupport would also be saddened if anything happened to you. I’m proud of you for seeking therapy and taking medication to remove the edge of the dark feelings that you’re experiencing. Does your wife know how you’re feeling about the possibility of having kids? I’m sure she would completely understand. Please keep us updated with the situation. We love you and want to see you beat this!

-Eric

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i think it worrirs her like it worries me that i may be ike this forever and since i am on disability and she works i will have to care for any child we have and it scares us i do think it will help my deprssion to have something to care for

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Hey doc, since the time I met you you’ve grown. You are such a nice, talented, and sweet human being and you are truly someone i feel comfortable being vulnerable around. Buddy, you mean more to me than i can put into words. If you dont know if you want kids maybe try fostering to adopt for a while and maybe it will be right for you maybe it wont. Something i’ve learned about myself is that my mental health improved a lot when i had something (or someone) to care about. Try spending more time with your dog, and focus, truly focus, on your dog. Focus on the breathing of you dog and focus on your breathing and then breathe about half as fast as your dog (dogs breathe faster than humans) and pet the dog. Do that for 3 - 5 minutes. Its very meditative and calming. Taking the dog on a walk is really helpful to me at least, its calming and nice to get outside (even in the smoldering heat). Im sure some day you will find treatment that works how you want it to. I love you buddy, i miss talking to you and i cant want to get home and play some games together.
I’ll be praying for you.

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