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Attachment issues


#1

Recently, a friend who I’ve had problems with in the past (but have resolved the problems) told me their feelings for me. and I told them how I felt/used to feel about them. Ever since then, we talk everyday. In the beginning of talking to them, I told myself not to get attached or used to talking to them, because a relationship with them would not work. He does things that I don’t/don’t feel comfortable with. and I told myself this over and over again.
Although I told myself this over and over again, because I give people second chances, even if they’ve done me wrong, I gave in and have felt myself becoming attached to them.
I realized that I’ve become attached to them yesterday. After I realized this, I realized that I get attached to every friendship/relationship I have, but only ones with guys. I don’t know why this is. I don’t know why I seek love so badly, especially from guys, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I also don’t understand why the majority of guys in my life leave such a dark mark on my life. it seems like most of them have either done me wrong, or are a bad influence, and as hard as I try to get them out of my life, they always end up back in it. I tell myself to set boundaries, and it sometimes works out but not all the time.
I don’t know why I attract such toxic people, and I don’t know why I get attached to toxic people. I really don’t know what I can do. I’m so frustrated with myself, upset, and disappointed.
I’ve said this before, I always feel like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back.


#2

Hey friend! I love your face.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now. Not becoming attached to people that show love and care for us is so difficult… Don’t be frustrated at yourself for that. I too always got involved with toxic people and it broke me. I still struggle to identify those people in my life and leaving them is so hard… I have to rely on the people of this community to point that out to me - and even then, it’s still so difficult. I KNOW that you are such a light in this community, and that so many people will be upset to see that you’re thinking of yourself this way - please start reaching out to the safe people in this community, set up a support network that can help you identify those people before things get too much. I have a small group of people from the community that do that for me, and I think it would really help you as well. You’re so loved here - please know that.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#3

Nicole, this is a lot of great self-awareness – you’re doing a great job looking inside of yourself and noticing patterns that you want to change. Stay with this curiosity until you find an answer!!

Let me try to help you decode some of this stuff so you can see more clearly and explore.

At our core, we are all human, and we all want to be loved. (You’re human, last time I checked :slight_smile: Meaning, you want, at your core, to be loved.)

Most of us learn love (or lack thereof) first from our parents.

Most things in life, we have to learn first and then we operate based on those learnings. In this sense, we believe and then we see…let me explain this bit a little more – when I grew up, I felt like the only way I made my dad proud was by being the BEST at something. It felt like I had to try really really hard to kick ass and only if I NAILED it did I feel like I got some of his pride…99% of the time, I felt like I fell short, and like in the end, I was always going to disappoint him. He was happier when I won, he was more critical when I lost. So I learned that I have to earn love by winning. BUT, I learned, I was always going to lose at some point, so I began to believe that at the end of the day, I am a failure…because I BELIEVED I am a failure, I started to see it everywhere. A great case and point is that I graduated from a top college in Texas when I was 19 years old with 2 degrees and honors. That’s 4 years early and towards the top of my class. When I graduated, I felt no pride in myself because I knew there was someone else out there (though I didn’t know anyone personally) that did it better and faster than me, and because I didn’t beat then / win, I felt like I was a disappointment, so EVEN IN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT I felt like a complete failure. I believed I was a failure, and so even though I was achieving one of the biggest accolades I ever received, I saw myself as a failure. In the same way – however you LEARN love is how you will SEE love.

In this sense, if you see love in these boys, or hope for it, or search for it, or feel yourself ache for it, it can probably trace back to how you first learned love (or learned what it’s like to not feel loved).

So here’s what I’d recommend doing: take some time to journal about some of your earliest moments feeling either loved or neglected, praised or rejected. Particularly in your relationship with your dad / mom. Just journal 10 moments you can remember from when you were 10 or younger, and when you write them all out, start to look for the patterns: what did you learn about your worth? When did you receive love? When did you NOT receive love when you actually wanted it? What did you feel you needed to do in order to get the love you wanted?

When you can start to name some of these patterns, it’ll be a really interesting experiment to overlay that with these relationships – start to plug those patterns into the way you’re looking for love / attention with these particular boys, with your boundary problems, etc. See in what ways they line up, and you might be able to start to make sense of why you’re struggling with these things!

Hope this helps, Nicole. Curious to see what you find!


#4

I’ve learned that finding the right type of person takes a lot of time.

I too, deal with getting so damn attached to people who are just the worst of the world. Even if they seem awesome at first they turn out to be really toxic or into stuff I don’t agree with being around. So I hear you, trust me. I know it hurts.

Because we grow to love these people and they take the mask off and you didn’t even see what the problem was or how poisonous they are.

The best way is to kind of distance yourself a little. To much and you’ll be walking backwards 100% of the time but in moderation. It works.

My way of seeing things are. People who don’t care about your opinion on the things they do. Don’t truly matter. They don’t have to be in your life. As much Pain as it may cause, you’re going to be better off in the long run.

You got this!

If you ever need me you can message me here or on insta @ x.pxrge