- sorry this is a very long post - i didnt think id be back to talk here for a very long time because my mom started getting better. back in march of this year my mom hit rock bottom as she said, she had basically ruined everything for herself and that was finally what clicked and she read self help books and books on alcoholism and she started repairing the relationships she had ruined. she was good and sober until around june i guess, she was drinking again then but i hadnt noticed until august or september. she always hides her alcohol so when i went to check again i found hard drinks and it was like my worst fear came true? like i know that sounds stupid but it was like everything slowly came crashing down and i just realized that it was gonna happen again. i was expecting for it to happen a lot faster but i wasnt wrong, it happened.
my moms a mean drunk or an angry alcoholic, however you want to put it. she cant take responsibility for her actions at all, she refuses to see what shes done and blames it on other people. she relies on othes to make her weird twisted views of reality true. she will lie to strangers about the “abuse” shes going through just so she can feel like she has someone on her side. she projects everthing she does and blames someone else for it, mainly me or my dad.
around 10 or 11 days ago that she absolutely flipped out like she used to. it was painfully clear she was drunk and i had found her alcohol of choice. i thought that if i didnt mention it to her like if i didnt cause any problems that it would be ok and we could just pretend nothing was different. anyways she was on the phone with my aunt talking badly about my weight and stuff like that and it made me really sad because a mom is supposed to be supportive but i dont know what i had expected from her. she noticed i was listening and got really mad when i tried to tell her not to talk about my weight to other people and of course she started screaming and trying to defend herself because it was my fault for setting up boundaries i guess. then she started screaming at my dad and my dad locked her out of the house because she started breaking things. she broke the screens off of most of the windows in our house and she tried to climb through my bedroom window, like she was literally halfway through my window and then my dad came in and she climbed back out??? then she reached into the window in my kitchen and broke a bunch of mugs on the counter. she was screaming at me and my dad from outside and said she was gonna call the cops and claim domestic abuse.
i havent talked to her since that and its been like 10-11 days now i guess? i hate it so much, i mean i have my dad and we’re able to talk to each other but i miss talking to her, and i just keep asking myself why she would start drinking again? i mean she knew how she acted, she finally realized everything and thats when she stayed sober for a while. why start again? last night she went out to a bar for 12 hours straight and got absolutely wasted, i mean ive seen her drunk so many times but she was really drunk. she was yelling at me and my dad and saying she had the bruises to prove my dad abuses her, which i want to make it very clear that my dad is not abusive and never has been. she says she’ll call the cops if he ever does anything and that she has proof. she even reached out to a fucking abuse hotline?? but i havent spoken to her since the day she tried to climb through my window, so its not like ive had direct confrontation. i dont know exactly what she thinks of me or my dad right know but i know shes delusional. what sent me over the edge and to finally post here again was when she texted me a few minutes ago, which i have very mixed feelings about because we literally live in the same house and she isnt even able to say sorry or speak to me to my face?? but anyways she just texted me that if i needed i could sleep in her room and that she loves me. im so mad at her right now but just seeing the text saying she loves me just made me start sobbing.
i just miss it so much and i wish she could understand she needs help but i dont know what to do. i dont know if its bad enough that my dad needs to call a rehab center or do whatever you do to get someone admitted. i hate it when i feel like this. like i have to make all of the decisions and i just feel so lost when i dont have the answers. i genuinely dont know how to go about this. im not speaking to her mainly because i just hoped she’ll realize she needs help and also because i cant face her right now. i just wish i could do something. i even keep having these dreams where we’re speaking again and its just like old times when we werent mad at eachother and i hate it so much, ill force myself to wake up because i get so scared its real. i just hate that this is happening again all over. and i dont think she’ll get help but i know she needs it, if not rehab or aa then she at least needs a therapist and a psychiatrist. this is a really long post so dont feel bad if you couldnt read it. this was just a very long vent. i mainly use this website to talk about the struggles i have with my mom so it was such an amazing feeling when i realized i hadnt been back here in a while, but here we are.