For the last nearly 16 months I’ve been fighting my addiction every hour of every day, but there last few days, things have changed, and I’m just starting to fall back into despising myself and wanting to go back to not fighting.
More than a year ago, while on a call with 2 very important people in my life, I threw out my blades to show my commitment to wanting a better life, but now I’m back to buying blades and hiding them around my room. I currently have around 10 small disposable razor blades hidden around my flat. I was finally able to talk myself out of the lie that people didn’t care about me, and have truly believed for the last 6 months that I am cared about… These last few days, I’m so deep in the belief that I’m a disappointment to everyone and that no one cares about me any longer, that I can’t get myself out of it. Every single day I sit and look at the chats I’ve had with people I care about and I just burst into tears, because all I see is things they should be disappointed in me for.
It’s not fair on them or on God for me to believe that stuff, and I fucking hate myself for it. I spend so much time wishing I was someone else. That’s why I keep the blades - because the hatred and the belief in those things are so strong that I feel like, if I can’t get the usual relief I get through prayer, it’s the only other option. Yes, people tell me to throw them out, and I do… but then, the next day I’m at work, I just buy more. They’re not expensive, and I have to keep money on me to buy food, so it’s unavoidable.
I’m scared that my next fuck up is going to be falling back onto drugs, and if I do that… It will probably kill me. Although the thought of not being here anymore sounds so attractive sometimes, someone I respect very much wrote a song recently with some lyrics that reminds me all I’d be doing is passing the pain onto someone else… “but your body is gone and the trauma remains” < This is constantly on replay in my head, and honestly, one of the main things keeping me going right now.