So here’s the thing I’ve learned about recovery, it’s not a straight line. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down and sometimes it goes really really down.
And that’s where I am right now, really really down.
I talked with my therapist about something that happened when I was in middle school. My mom had a meeting at her friend’s house and i went with her, her friend’s had kids around my age and we always hung out in the basement during meetings. This particular night it was me and two boys. I don’t really remember what we were talking about but I remember accidentally cursing(I was 13 cursing, cursing was a big no no for me) The two boys threatened to tell my mom unless I took my clothes off for them.
And I did, because I was a terrified thirteen year old who didn’t know what else to do. I remember crying, and I remember them laughing but I think beyond that I blocked this out of my mind as much as I could. Eventually a few months later, I told my mom, and the boys mom’s made them apologize, but it didn’t really mean anything.
So my therapist and I concluded that a lot of my body issues and self worth issues didn’t start with the assault that happened in college, it started that night. And it makes sense, because for the longest time I think I’ve equated my value to my body and how it can be used.
But more than that it just brings back that feeling of being gross and dirty and its awful. I think I repressed this particular memory for so long because I already felt like that after it happened and repressing was the only way I could escape those feelings. My memory is so foggy. I think it only happened once but I. Can’t. Remember. and that’s terrifying.
There’s a poem by Amanda Lovelace that goes “where do all the memories go, the ones we hide away with lock and key yet continue to shape us all the same? _-did it really happen if I can’t remember it?”
I can’t think of anything that sums up my feelings better than that right now.
I wish I could get my timelines straight because I’m pretty sure I started self harming right around that time too.
I know I’m not back at “square one.” It’s probably good that it came up because wow it makes a lot of things make sense. But it’s also painful for obvious reasons, but doubly so because these guys at the time were my “friends.” Just like the guy who assaulted me in college was my “friend.”
They weren’t kidding when they said abusive patterns are cyclical.
Anyway, this is one of the only places besides my therapists office I feel comfortable talking about this(and even that’s a stretch)
Love y’all,
Ash