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Back to square one?


#1

So here’s the thing I’ve learned about recovery, it’s not a straight line. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down and sometimes it goes really really down.

And that’s where I am right now, really really down.

I talked with my therapist about something that happened when I was in middle school. My mom had a meeting at her friend’s house and i went with her, her friend’s had kids around my age and we always hung out in the basement during meetings. This particular night it was me and two boys. I don’t really remember what we were talking about but I remember accidentally cursing(I was 13 cursing, cursing was a big no no for me) The two boys threatened to tell my mom unless I took my clothes off for them.

And I did, because I was a terrified thirteen year old who didn’t know what else to do. I remember crying, and I remember them laughing but I think beyond that I blocked this out of my mind as much as I could. Eventually a few months later, I told my mom, and the boys mom’s made them apologize, but it didn’t really mean anything.

So my therapist and I concluded that a lot of my body issues and self worth issues didn’t start with the assault that happened in college, it started that night. And it makes sense, because for the longest time I think I’ve equated my value to my body and how it can be used.

But more than that it just brings back that feeling of being gross and dirty and its awful. I think I repressed this particular memory for so long because I already felt like that after it happened and repressing was the only way I could escape those feelings. My memory is so foggy. I think it only happened once but I. Can’t. Remember. and that’s terrifying.
There’s a poem by Amanda Lovelace that goes “where do all the memories go, the ones we hide away with lock and key yet continue to shape us all the same? _-did it really happen if I can’t remember it?

I can’t think of anything that sums up my feelings better than that right now.

I wish I could get my timelines straight because I’m pretty sure I started self harming right around that time too.

I know I’m not back at “square one.” It’s probably good that it came up because wow it makes a lot of things make sense. But it’s also painful for obvious reasons, but doubly so because these guys at the time were my “friends.” Just like the guy who assaulted me in college was my “friend.”

They weren’t kidding when they said abusive patterns are cyclical.

Anyway, this is one of the only places besides my therapists office I feel comfortable talking about this(and even that’s a stretch)

Love y’all,
Ash


#2

Hey Ash, thank you so much for sharing this - that’s really tough. I’m so sorry those boys did this to you, you really don’t deserve this.

I understand how frustrating, confusing and upsetting it can be to not remember parts of your life. When I was 8 years old I witnessed a trauma, abuse between my parents. I don’t remember anything before that. I don’t even remember being younger than 8 years old, it’s as if I was just brought into the world at that age… I don’t really remember much between the ages of 6-18 either. My memories are VERY patchy, due to bullying, and abuse at home.

I started self harming around the age of 9 years old, so for me, it’s been my whole life, and I have no idea what triggered it. I don’t remember. I’ve been working with my therapist too, and, after that, certain things will trigger small memories I didn’t know I had, just the same way you’re experiencing.

Keep working with your therapists, and keep sharing with us - this was incredibly brave of you and I’m so proud of you.
Just because those memories feel “new” doesn’t mean they don’t need attention.

You’re not alone. You’re loved. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#3

Hi Ash,
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. No one should ever have to be violated like this at any age but I want to thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to open up and I want to tell you how proud I am that you did it. It may not seem like a lot but this is progress. I hope you keep sharing your journey with us and know that we will always be here for you.

Hold fast friend <3
Sofie


#4

My father thought that physical love was more important than emotional ones. This made him while not do anything, make me and my sisters feel like prey to wolf. He would take pictures of us changing. We found the pictures when he left. That feeling of “being prey” effected my mind, I feel like it was the reason I didn’t run from the boy who assaulted me for 3 years. It’s why I left and went to another sexually manipulative relationship. Why there is a small part of me that SEEKS being prey. I hate it, I don’t want to be like that. I makes me ashamed of my body. I’m tall, with a large bust, so I get men looking at me cause of it, from 10 to even 60. It’s something I haven’t gotten past, I’m working on it, with My Fiancee’s help. It’s hard.But I know it’s not my fate and I’m screwed, we can make it. THank you for sharing.


#5

Hey thanks for sharing!
When my brother was young my dad did some terrible things to my brother and I didn’t know till a few years ago and it makes me wonder did he do anything to me when I was young that I don’t know about it scary! But I just want to say here yo I are loved and thanks again for sharing! And I am dealing with that right now


#6

Ash,

You are incredibly brave to share your story.

Sometimes things happen to us that we cannot self explain in a healthy way. We think negative things… feel hurtful emotions…

Please know that this was not your fault.

Saying curse words is a normal thing for a 13 year old to do.

The fear… the terror… the shame of that night… None of that was earned or deserved. I do not need to see you to know that you are beautiful inside and out. I can hear it in your words… your incredibly powerful words that have touched and helped others. They have touched me.

You matter.


#7