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Back to where I was


#1

I really don’t want to sound like I’m complaining because I know there are people on here who have it so much worse. I don’t know, I can feel everything going back to the place it was before. I come to school every single day exhausted after staying up late at night trying to study only to get close to nothing done, get hardly any sleep, and then wake up at 5 the next morning to go to this bible study group that I really don’t want to go to. But I have to. Everything is beginning to feel the same again. I am always just so numb and tired. And some of the same thoughts are coming back. Therapy today was super unsuccessful. I should probably tell my therapist I was sexually assaulted but then it would be like bringing back something I am trying so hard to just move on from. But lately, the flashbacks have been worse than when it actually happened. I just wish I had someone to talk to and who I felt safe around. Last year I had people and everything still went to hell and I almost died. I’m scared for this year. I only have to tough it out two more months until it is a year since my last hospital visit-a record for me. So I hope I don’t have to go before then. None of this probably makes sense. Everything is just so cold and dark and I know that no matter what some of this will stick with me forever. No matter what I do because that’s just life and the way things work. So is anything I do even worth it? Is anything anyone does worth it? I feel like giving up because I fail even when I work my butt off every single day. I just don’t think I will get anywhere in life. So many bad things have happened to me. Now I have to deal with the aftermath and the fear of it all coming back. And everyone around me is just so hurt right now and I want to be there and help them but I physically and mentally can’t. Giving up sounds so nice right now. That, and a full eight hours of sleep. I made a joke in the locker room today that was like: “I would kill myself, but that sounds like a lot of effort and I don’t have the energy for that right now.” Even if that was a joke its how I honestly feel right now. None of this probably made sense. My brain is a mess and I’m tired. I should probably sleep now. Goodnight.
-Emma


#2

Hey Emma, thanks a lot for reaching out,

Now, it sounds like you’re extremely stressed out and exhausted. I don’t know for sure, but it’s sounding like your evenings and mornings are just not great. Now, don’t take my word as God’s, since I don’t know everything you’re going through, but the big guy in the sky would completely understand if you stepped back from that bible study. I’m not saying you should completely cut him out, try to make some time for him, but save your mornings for you. It’s sounding like that’s taking a massive toll on you physically. He would never want that happening to you. Your evenings, definitely sound like your trying to cram your brain full of stuff, but it’s just not working. I personally would slow down on the studying, and only do little chunks at a time. Reread only what you need to. Focus on the important parts, and not the whole page.

Keep strong, I believe in you.
MoP


#3

Life is harsh. I hope things turn out better for you.

(If you want to tell your therapist that you were sexually assaulted, but not go into detail then you can. Your therapist can’t make you talk about it. It might actually help them figure out a better way to help you that they might have not taken into account. Yet if they try to bring it up if you decide to tell them and try to get you to talk about it just tell them no. They can’t make you talk if you don’t want to and if they do it is against the law.)


#4

Thank you for this! I really don’t have much of a choice about the bible study as my parents are the ones who make me go. Maybe I will try to spend less time studying after finals though. I really appreciate this! Thank you.


#5

Thank you! I don’t know yet. I will consider this though.


#6

Hey Emma,

First of all, thank you for finding the courage to share this with us. It’s not easy to open up about struggles to others, especially people you don’t know, so I truly am proud of you for reaching out to this community for support.

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this. I really can’t even imagine how difficult it is to deal with all of it. I know I’m not the only one who is proud of you for having the strength to reach out. That in itself is proof that there is hope, and that you know it can get better.

Reaching out to us is not easy, and reaching out to a therapist certainly isn’t any easier. It is completely understandable that you would not feel comfortable sharing this. I honestly cannot imagine how difficult it must be to move on from that kind of trauma, but I believe from what I’ve heard from others that talking about it so someone (especially a professional) can be very helpful in moving on. If it feels like a bad idea or you don’t quite trust your therapist with that information, then don’t feel forced to share anything you don’t want to. But if that’s the case, I would strongly encourage you to find a different therapist whom you feel comfortable sharing that with. I get how hard it can be to share
personal aspects of your past with a therapist, but at least in my case and in cases I have heard from others, simply sharing it is therapeutic and helps in moving on. But again, please never feel forced to, because that’s not healthy.

I can relate. I mean, your story is unique and by no means do I know exactly what you’re going through, but many people here share that struggle from time to time. The point is, you’re not alone. We’re here with you. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to doubt. It’s okay to feel like life is pointless, and I think it’s a pretty natural feeling that living in this twisted society contributes to. But you are not alone, and there really is purpose to be found once you find your way through this tunnel. I truly believe that. I have been at points in my life where I absolutely could not believe that, and maybe that’s where you are right now. If that’s the case just try to trust me. There is hope and there is purpose. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Silent Planet says, “this pain has a purpose,” and while that’s in a bit of a different context I feel it applies here. I hope that helps at least a little.

Again, you are not alone. Giving up is a natural response to a lot of things. But you said it yourself…I really think you just need to rest. SOOOOOO many people (including myself) neglect to spend time and energy taking care of themselves. I second what @Masterofpuppets2012 said. My words are not God’s either, but I believe He would rather have you take care of yourself than go to a bible study that is damaging to your physical health. Self care is so important and so often neglected, and I really believe that if you spent less time with bible study and studying for school, and more time sleeping and drinking water, things could improve a lot. Studying is important, but if you are more healthy and energized physically and emotionally, you can study a lot less, in smaller chunks, and have it be more effective. From time to time people need to take a step back from the business of life and take some time for themselves, and I personally think that could be really useful for you right now. I’m not a therapist or some sort of life coach but that’s just what I’m seeing from this.

Please do not hesitate to reach out, ever. We love you, we care about you, and we’re here with you. You are never alone in your struggles. You’ve already proven from this post that you are a strong person, so I know you’ll get through this. Please try to take a step back, take care of yourself, and take it one step at a time. You’ve got this. We believe in you <3


#7

Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate it. I think things will be better after finals. This time of year is always extremely difficult for me because it is the anniversary of several traumatic events. I am trying really hard to make this year better though. Thank you so much for this. You were very helpful. I should probably start taking care of myself more. I am still debating on whether or not I want to speak to my therapist about what happened. But I honestly think that she will find out eventually. Once again, thank you friend. I really appreciate the response.


#8

Emma,

Thank you so much for reaching out and posting to the HeartSupport forums. Reaching out and posting to the forums takes a LOT of strength, courage, and bravery. You are not complaining, your struggles are of equal importance to what others are. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle. But please, please know it gets better.

Reaching out at all, especially to a therapist can be incredibly difficult. If I may, I would encourage you to try to find a therapist with who you feel safer and more comfortable opening up to. Being able to talk about it, as hard as it may be, can be helpful as you’re able to work through the pain.

You are important. You matter. Please, please take care of yourself.


#9

@depressedllamacorn here is our video response form our live stream earlier. Hold Fast!


#10

Thank you so much for this! I will take this advice to heart. It means the world that you guys decided to respond to this and care enough to have a conversation about it on twitch. Thank you so much.