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Backed against a wall

Hi guys. Been a while since I’ve posted here and I have no one right now to chat with about things and I’m struggling. My marriage ended a long time ago but I made the decision to completely walk away because we just had not seen each other in 4 years and he wasn’t even communicating or trying to be with me (he lives in another country but we married here and I’ve been unable to move there). He didn’t fight for me but let me just go. Then in my vulnerable time during that I had reconnected with an old friend from 27 years ago who moved very quickly over several weeks with this fantasy he seemed to think we could live in. Things got very strange and I started questioning a lot. He then left me to believe my depression caused him to break off any communication or relationship a day later and said see ya. That same day a family member I used to be close to died. I’ve been trying to keep up with my therapy and I take my medications regularly but I have TRD (treatment resistant depression) along with ADHD and some chronic health problems. I’m 42 now and I keep telling my therapist and doctors I can’t keep going like this. I’ve tried suicide well over a dozen times and had my last hospitalization last August and that time it was outpatient day hospital. Now, after all those things I mentioned and 6 months later I’m back to where I was. I’m at that moment when I have no more options for my depression and I told my therapist I had planned on killing myself if the treatment I was in recently didn’t help. It didn’t help. I’ve tried ECT and most recently rTMS. My last hope is Ketamine infusions or treatment but there are no options for that with my insurance. I have managed to push everyone out of my life. My husband won’t talk to me either but he barely did before. At least before he would pretend to listen or I could just vent even if he wasn’t listening. What do I do now? I have no treatment options, I’ve tried everything and I have no one close in my life anymore. I am so tired of fighting. I’m the kind of person that is extremely loyal and I’ve no one to be loyal to anymore. No one that does the same back. I wish it was as easy as finding a reason to live for but after like 30 years of battling TR depression I’m so damn tired of not having any solution or peace. Idk what to do. I’m backed up against a wall with nowhere to turn. What does someone with a lifetime of treatment resistant depression do when therapy and every treatment has failed? I’ve pushed everyone away. I’m completely abandoned, stranded, and stuck with myself. I can’t even stand myself anymore.

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Hey friend

That alot you going through and I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Intense emotions sucks and it really heartbreaking when feel your trying your best and still feel stuck at zero. I think everyone in dealing with mental health feel like that their point it feel bullshit.

However, I do believe still worth push forward. Something that I feel have help actually listen to philosophy podcast called Wisecrack. It fun podcast talk about some deep stuff and I feel give you some new persecution on things. Alan Watt is also great philosopher to listen too, when you feel like thing just suck.

I believe in you, your still worth fighting for. Don’t give up.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi KatieK I’m so sorry that you’re having so much trouble with treatment. I just started treatment (again) and I’m 54yrs old so, I’ve lived a life of depression and other disorders. I think there is hope to look forward to because science is always coming up with new ways to combat things. That’s what keeps me going, the hope that tomorrow I will be healed. I hope that you will hold on for that too. ~Mystrose

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From: Micro

Hey Katie. There is truly no word to express how grateful I am for your decision to reach out today and for your incredible vulnerability here. You have been through so much, friend, and it truly breaks my heart that you have been carrying so much grief through it all. Between the rollercoaster of emotions that is your health journey, your mental health and the need to find something that ease your symptoms, but also these people leaving you, making you feel like your conditions would define you and make you unlovable… It’s not fair.

You could have had so many reasons to believe that your voice would be useless, but I want you to know that you are fully heard here. We see you. We respect you. We love you right as you are. And I can tell that you are a freaking warrior, Katie. I know you didn’t choose it and it’s a very little comfort to hear that you are strong when your battles are unwanted and affecting you so much though. My mental health is not on top either, I have my own share of immune and chronic disorders that seem hopeless in terms of treatment. Though I can tell that having people around me, people who remind me that I am loved as I am, who help me look up for some joy and beauty in little things of life… it means everything. I want that type of support for you. You don’t deserve to be alone. You don’t deserve to fight those battles only by yourself. So I’d like to encourage you to look out for Action Groups on the HeartSupport Discord server. These are groups when you can connect with other members of the community on a weekly basis, and figure out together steps to take - but also to be supported along the way. We don’t fight our battles alone, is what Action Groups are all about. Please feel free to send a private message to me (@Micro) or member MorganVinHoch if you need more information about it. We can get you connected easily. Here are some information and schedules too: Join an Action Group or a SWAT Team! - You are loved so much. We are here to support you through it all. You are not alone and your life is so valuable. Let’s try to keep walking by your side now, so you can use our strength when you need it too. :hrtlegolove:

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From: twixremix

hey katie,

thank you for being here and for your vulnerability. i’m so glad you’re here on this forum and hope you can utilize this support wall more to allow us to be your shoulder to lean on. in regards to your loneliness, something we all face, would you be open to the possibility of support groups for your mental and/or physical illnesses? i was in a support group when i was first diagnosed with my own immunodeficiency and that helped me considerably to know i’m not alone and for me to make lasting connections with others. heartsupport also provides groups on discord if you’re interested in meeting new, kind people to support one another! the last thing i’d like to add is that there is hope for your ketamine infusions. there are co-pay assistance programs worldwide, different insurance options, gofundme services, etc. in order to help you find that hope again in a treatment that could potentially work wonders for you. all in all, please know you are incredibly loved, valued, and worthy. i hope you can spend some time soon caring for yourself whether it be watching your favorite shows/movies, going on a nice walk if the weather is good, or eating your favorite meal. sure, it sounds like basic advice but you truly deserve any and all happiness this world can offer so hold fast because a better tomorrow is ahead. i look forward to hearing from you soon, my friend!

love,
twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for your post, I want to say first of all that I think you are an incredible person, you have so much going on, I can’t even begin to imagine how you are coping each day. I am so grateful that you have come back here and are using this place to vent your feelings as I think its so important to get these thoughts out if you do not have that at home right now and I hope that you know that you can do that as often as you like whenever you like and please also remember that we have the twich streams that you are welcome to come to too and talk to people there in real time. I am sorry you lost your friend that must have been hard on you, being alone is difficult when you have worries and health problems, it can also be an anxious thing can’t it. I can see why you got talking to that old friend, that does seem a little odd though, the internet can be a very strange place when you are lonesome and for some reason people can really tell. I know that the health problems you have are not just going to disappear but I do hope that eventually you will get the ketamin infusion you are looking for, I so want your life to improve friend. We are all here for you. You are so important and valuable. Please stay in touch Much Love Lisa. x

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