I don’t know what I’m doing back here today. I’m not sure how I got here or how I got back here so fast, but I’m struggling again.
I was doing so great, making friends, hiking, getting invited to travel with other photographers to explore new areas, immersing myself in the healing of nature, finding myself, being myself, and I was loving life, laughing more than I ever have and smiling every single day. But…suddenly and for some unknown reason, I’m back in this dark place again. Not wanting to leave the house, and if I do leave, I just want to be alone away from people. I don’t want to hang out or talk to friends anymore. I’m barely even talking to my husband. I’m becoming that recluse again. Drinking more, being absent more, disassociating in the middle of conversations, and lately all I want to do is be high all the time.
This darkness has been brewing deep down, simmering and bubbling up here and there. I’ve been trying to shovel more dirt on top, bury it back down deep a nd shut those thoughts and memories up. I was on a high streak for so long - I didn’t want to backslide. But I’m backsliding. Ugly memories are crawling up from the back of my mind and they just linger there, reminding me that I’m not cured and maybe I never will be.
I keep getting triggered. I get triggered lately so often and by the smallest things. His name, certain smells, the word or even the smell of bourbon, people touching my wrists or neck, when someone else other than me locks the door, locking me inside. I feel panicked any time I use a razor in the shower because razorblades were often used on me and any time I nick myself enough to bleed I get sick to my stomach and just want to cry. Haunted by so many things… Any kind of knives, sharpies and the smell of them, the sound of chains, handcuffs, chalk and chalkboards, certain songs, or even driving down the road and I see a cop car, or license plates from that state, and the biggest one of all, those nightsticks that police carry. The overwhelming feeling of being helpless and hopeless.
I keep going back to that dark place, but not willingly. It keeps pulling me back there. Memories, sights, sounds, feelings, it all just floods back in flashes, like lightning in a summer storm. But the lightning doesn’t really dissipate, it just lingers there in a blinding light, distracting me from my reality, distracting me from my here and now.
I see his face all the time, in the crowds, faces on tv, in my mind. He’s always there. I get spooked easily, loud noises startle me - instantly my heart races and panic sets in. I get nauseous when the memories well up in the back of my mind, I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep but yet all I want to do is sleep.
ugh… I am sure it won’t be like this for long. I usually have highs and lows but lately it just feels like a really low low. I’m lost in so many ways and can’t seem to find which way is up anymore. So I’m drifting through this life, bouncing between hopeful and hopeless, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ll be fine.
Just thought maybe writing this out would help get this shit out of my head.