Bad mental health day

HeartSupport Support
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I’m having a bad mental health day and it feels like everyone is blaming me for it. I try to warn people when what they’re doing is triggering for me, but no one listens and I end up getting triggered and crying, screaming, and yelling for people to stop. But they won’t stop and what makes it worse is that they look at me like I have eight heads and that my reaction is uncalled for. I ALREADY SAID I COULDN’T HANDLE THIS AND THEN YOU KEEP PUSHING ME! And then they make me feel bad for trying to protect my mental health. They tell me that I should just “let it go” when I have to tell someone repeatedly to stop hurting my feelings because the person who’s hurting my feelings will never understand and it’s as though I’m feeding their vitriol by fighting back. In part, they are right, but when I’m in the middle of a breakdown and someone continues to harass me, all I want them to do is stop because I’m so overwhelmed, and the feelings I’m having aren’t something I should keep inside me. Keeping my feelings bottled up will only make things worse and lead to more outbursts. And then people continue doing the things that trigger me because they can’t see why what their doing is hurtful to me and if they can’t see a “logical” reason, then my reasons and feelings couldn’t possibly be real; I’m just being “lazy” and “fussy”. And I’m told and made to feel that I’m being annoying.
I’ve held together pretty well during quarantine/covid times but so many bad things have happened recently and I hate to admit it but I’m overwhelmed. I try to do things to take care of my mental health and to pace myself but then I’m made to feel like those things are a waste of time. I’m made to feel like I’m just a toddler having a temper tantrum. I’m made to feel lazy because I’m so messed up mentally that I can’t fulfill my adult responsibilities. I already give myself enough crap about not being able to do normal things.
All I need is time and space to cool off and then I’ll be fine. But things keep coming at me one after another. I’m not trying to be selfish when I say that I need time for myself, but it always feels like people are interpreting me as being selfish and self-centered, as though I think my problems are more important than theirs.
I try to reach out and then I’m made to feel like I’m a burden. I’m sure I’ve alienated people and made some people feel horrible through my outbursts, but I’m not trying to hurt anyone and I always feel bad when I do. I try my best to do things right and I know I’m failing but I’m trying so hard. I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I don’t have a safe space to decompress and when I “open the window to cool off, hate pours in instead”. My depression and anxiety has come back with great force this weekend. They’ve been increasing steadily over the past month. I’ve been having huge panic attacks for the first time in a long time and I’m so frustrated that they’ve returned. Last weekend my depression and anxiety started to escalate. My asthma compounds everything. I’ve had to use my rescue inhaler 3 times in the past week because of a change to my regular medication and emotional stress is a major trigger for my asthma. I was starting to feel better but then I had a major trigger two days ago and I keep feeling worse and worse.
I can understand why people don’t want to deal with me right now. I wouldn’t want someone screaming and crying in my face all the time, so of course they need to step away from me for a while.
But I feel abandoned. And I’m made to feel like this is only my fault. It’s not just me who’s to blame. I might be the one who’s having pains or a panic attack or an asthma attack but if someone continues to harass me, that will obviously make the symptoms worse.
Even though one thing I feel I need right now is solitude to sort out my thoughts, when people go away from me angrily like this, or if I have a fight with someone about needing solitude and quiet, I can’t shut off the negative thoughts and I can’t calm down enough for “quiet time” to be useful. I am unable to concentrate and feel paralyzed and unable to help myself or anyone else.
I need someone to pull me out of the water. I’m drowning.

[This is probably the twentieth edit I’ve made to this post but I wanted to add that I know I’m not the only one who’s going through a rough time right now. Even normally, everyone is fighting a battle that you don’t see. I know that right now is an especially hard time because of the state of the world, whether it has to do with covid, racial injustice, or politics, or something else. I’m not trying to lessen that by saying “I’m having a bad day”. I know that people might be more short-fused than usual and that might be part of why I’m being treated the way I am when I’m upset about things.]

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Hey there, the world is here for you. I understand what u have been going through becoz trust me I had the same. But I was supported in those times atleast partly.even tey couldny get it completely right. But u can consult a psychiatrist, it wil make it a little btr but the rest it’s upto you. I know we can’t keep our feelings bottled in, but wen tey come out tey seem like an outburst. Just try telling tem tat tis is hard for u and make tem understand. Not an outbreak but a hand holding healthy living diacussion. Dnt push ppl out of ur life only we wil suffer. But since your tis knowledgeable and seem very intelligent. I can tell u tis u r not a quitter
And one day u wil overcome tis
Pls try some meditation and yoga-really helpful. I am frm India and I can give u best online meditations nd yoga sources
.with all the love I hope u get well soon

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Hi @TheMouseThatRoared - I hope that you are feeling better today, as it sounds like the day this post was about was especially tough. I really appreciate you sharing with us.

It sounds like the people around you have a really hard time respecting your wishes or being empathetic to what you are going through, and it makes the situation much worse. That is incredibly frustrating, I am really sorry you have to deal with that.

I hope that you are taking the time you need, and taking care of yourself. I am looking forward to hearing about how you are doing and if we can do anything to support you :hrtlegolove:

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I ended up being “okay” and my emotions cooled down for a while. But despite my best efforts, and even with a bit of understanding from others about how I get overwhelmed, I’ve had another bad day today. I hate being so stressed. I always feel terrible about my angry outbursts.
I made the decision to delete even more social media from my phone and tablet a few hours ago, and I’m seriously considering deleting those apps from my laptop as well. Sometimes they bring me joy, but most of the time lately they just remind me of someone I need to forget. I worry about myself, though, in that deleting my social media, I’m also cutting myself off from the network of support that I lean on. I feel like I need time away and alone to heal, but I’m also worried that if I want to reach out that I won’t have that resource. I haven’t deactivated any accounts as of yet.
I’m glad HeartSupport is here. I’ve considered trying BetterHelp, but I’d want more than just the one week trial, and I can’t afford more sessions right now. Even though I probably need it, I’m not ready to see a counselor or therapist irl yet. I like the idea that with BetterHelp I can be kind of anonymous.
Meditating has helped a bit, but of course the process of healing from the emotional pains I’m in will take time. This pain is so hard for me to bear. I try to keep distracted so that I can “come back later” and deal with my problems with more of a level head. I feel like I need to push the pain down for a while. But I know that I can’t bottle the emotions up and put them on a shelf to forget about. I’ll have to deal with them at some point.
But I’ve had another bad day today, and it’s getting harder and harder to move on under this weight.

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Thank you for the update @TheMouseThatRoared I am sorry that you struggled again but your words are really inspiring, truly. You are obviously committed to discovering better ways to cope and manage your feelings, and the journey matters just as much as the destination.

Social media is an absolutely horror show for me most of the time. I compare myself to others, only see their happy moments so I think my life is not as good as theirs, and I see a majority of click bait articles that make me really sad! I am in full support of you doing what you need to do, and I would absolutely, personally, delete the apps and fill your time with things that make you feel important and loved.

I really appreciate your update, sorry again that the weigh is growing. We aren’t going anywhere, and we care about your progress and your struggles, no matter what :hrtlegolove:

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