Bad news and a bunch of other stuff

echo · June 25, 2020, 5:11pm

As some of you may know, my mother has cancer and it’s not getting any better. Her scans have come back worse and she’s just dying. I keep convincing myself that I don’t care but when I think about stuff like what i’ll do if I ever have a question only a mother can answer or who will see my graduate or get married or anything I just breakdown crying. I don’t know how to feel… Ive also been really suicidal these past few weeks and cry for hours every night contemplating why i’m alive and can’t really come up with any explanations… I was watching A Whisker Away (a new netflix anime movie) and it had me crying a lot because of some of the things said and felt in it. — I don’t know why i’m here. I keep convincing myself that if I just find one good friend that I feel will stick by me and we merge well then it’ll be okay and I won’t be as sad but that’s never going to happen and I can’t put my happiness in the place of a person… I have one friend who said the most minimal of stuff and it made me cry so much because even the tiniest of things felt so nice to hear because nobody has ever really been nice to me. I’ve always been bullied and put down by everyone and hearing nice things said about me always makes me so happy that I usually cry and then i’m sad again because I think about how little good things are said about me…

I was reading stuff about ADHD and i’ve been diagnosed since I was four but i’ve never really read about what it was. Like everyone else, I just assumed it was hyperactivity and trouble focusing. Apparently there’s a lot of overlap with Autism? I didn’t know that, it was cool to learn. I don’t remember the exact logistics though… I do remember that it can make you feel your emotions a lot stronger than people usually do? Boy, do I feel that one haha…

I was also messing around with a knife as well and accidentally cut my self and I liked how it looked so i did it a few more times and it was with a serrated blade so it kind of burned a bit. Is it wrong to harm yourself just because you like how it looks? I’m not a fan of the pain, just the art, I guess.

That’s all for now I suppose, since my mind has run dry. I’ll probably be back in a few days after opening this site and staring at it thinking about whether or not to actually use it then become so overwhelm with feelings that I can’t just hold everything in anymore!! Cool!!! ok, seriously, i’m done now:) thank you for reading all of this dummy stuff if you did. I know it’s stupid but just, yeah…

Carnifexecution · June 25, 2020, 5:40pm

Your interest in cutting might seem innocent, but it is a pathway into an unhealthy behavior. I used to brand designs into my leg as a kid. Eventually I moved into tattoos, but I could see how my thoughts about the branding became unhealthy.

I’ve struggled with mental health disorders for over a decade and I’ve looked so much to science to explain my brain. I can’t say it truly makes me feel better or more certain on anything. I just want you to know you’re not alone.

I’m trying to trade my “certainty for awe”. A line from Silent Planet’s song Dying in Circles.

echo · June 25, 2020, 6:47pm

I actually really like tattoos and plan on getting a few when I can : ) I was debating on whether or not to get a fake scar because it might seem insensitive to people who would take it the wrong way, so i’m not sure. I also wanted a wolf outline since they’re my favourite animal and i’ve always loved them what are your tattoos of?

Carnifexecution · June 26, 2020, 12:07am

I have three so far. One is a picture my friend drew years ago that had special significance to me. It moved me. The second is a skeleton key which I got for a lyric from an old BMTH song Visions “I’d sell my sell to know it all, but I held the keys all this time.” My third is a star of David because I am adopted from a Jewish family.

I love tattoo’s, but they will affect how people perceive you. I’d just take time to make sure it’s what you want and that if other people see it, you’re satisfied with the message they’re probably going to assume. A lot of Christians probably think my first tattoo looks slightly satanic, but I have a real deep purpose behind it so honestly idgaf what they think. Just make sure you’re ready for that commitment.