Hey, it’s me again. my therapist has not been supportive at all whatsoever about my Favorite person BPD. She calls it a fangirl fantasy. And I keep telling her I don’t like her saying that but she doesn’t care and then emotionally minuiplites me. I don’t know what to do and my parents won’t let me get a new tharipist.
Wow, @Alie. I’m so sorry. If these are the words your therapist said, it’s pretty judging and not a way to meet you where you are, at all. The fact that you’ve expressed your discomfort but she ignores it and dismisses what you say is not okay. It’s a real red flag right there.
When you said your parents won’t let you get a new therapist, is it something you think would happen, or something you actually asked them? I think it’s really important to try to talk to them anyway and explain that your therapist right now makes you feel uncomfortable and doesn’t listen to what you say.
Would there be any specific reason why they wouldn’t want you to see a different therapist, in your opinion?
My parents think that shes a “good fit” For me. im just very frustrated rn because ive been with her for 4 years
Oh okay, it’s quite a long time indeed! Is it the first time she behaved/commented things that way? Or has it always been like this?
its been like this for a few years now
I’m sorry to hear your therapist said those things, that really doesn’t sound like they’re a good fit for you!
Have you tried requesting a new therapist, by asking the therapist directly for a new one? IIRC, therapists are ethically obligated to help you find a new therapist if you’re not connecting well with them, so they should be able to help you find someone you connect better with. If they don’t do that, I’d highly recommend you track down their license number, and report them to the licensing board for that jurisdiction. I know it’s a little scary, but it’s important to report professionals when they’re not doing their job! The licensing board will also take this incredibly seriously, as it looks bad on them if they’re giving licenses to people who shouldn’t have them! Especially if she is emotionally manipulating you!
Was your therapist the one who diagnosed you with BPD, or was that someone else? You should have an official diagnosis, which if your therapist is ignoring is also highly unethical.
In the end, remember that a therapist is there to help YOU and that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll always support actions or thought patterns you might have. Imagine if you had a drinking problem, I’m sure your therapist wouldn’t really support you drinking more would they? And if they did support it, that would probably be unethical in its own right correct?
When they’re not being supportive of your Favorite Person BPD, what are they asking you to do or think about instead? If their angle is that you don’t actually have BPD, then feeding into the belief that you do have it might be dangerous for you, and they’re trying to push that away so that you can focus on other parts of you.
Therapy isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always about making you feel good. It’s about making lasting progress in life and it can be hard work! I know in my own experiences with therapy, a lot of my beliefs about myself were questioned, and turned out to be wrong! The healing process was one of deconstructing what I thought was true about myself, and finding out who I actually was underneath that all.
You’ve heard of black and white thinking, I’m sure. We only see the extreme good or extreme bad and nothing in the middle. It can take a glance from someone to cause us to decide for some reason that this person is bad and that causes us to split. Meaning we don’t want anything to do with that person and we have an urgency to rid them from our lives.
When your therapist said fangirl fantasy, what was the context? I know from experience that I misinterpret things people say because with BPD comes paranoia and a distorted view of ourselves and the world around us. This is one of the core traits of BPD.
its been like this for a few years now
That sounds rough. Feeling like something supposed to help you is doing the opposite, and that your own family doesn’t support you when you share what you feel. 4 years is really a long time and I’m sorry if it’s been the same for so long.
So far, do you feel like you’ve made any progress with this therapist though?
Is it possible that, sometimes, she tries to push you out of your comfort zone as a way to stimulate you? As @nzkiwi442 said, it’s not always what we want during therapy, but if there’s a place where we can question our beliefs and thoughts patterns in a safe way, it’s there.
Although it’s true that there are different ways to do it, and some are not appropriate for everyone. Tough love for example may be good for some, but for others it would only be a way to add more guilt and shame to how they already feel. I’d personally hate having a therapist making me feel like they’d invalidate what I feel. I’m definitely open to conversations that would help me change my own perspective, but each person involved in the conversation has to meet the other one halfway.
When you say to your therapist that you don’t like when they say that kind of thing, how do they respond to you precisely? Do you have in mind what kind of word they use? For me and my therapist, for example, if she sees that I have a hard time with something or disagree with what she says, she’ll try to ask me how I feel about it, to name my emotions and explore it with an open mind, without making me feel like I’m wrong for feeling a certain way, which makes the conversation goes smoother.
Sorry I’m just adding more questions to the questions of everyone here by the way. Hope it doesn’t make you feel overwhelmed in any way. In any case, feel free to respond to what you want and can, also at your own pace.
yes i tried talking to her about getting another one but she wont give me to anyone
Yeah that’s a little concerning, she really should help you find a new one. I’d say just keep calmly and directly stating that you’re not feeling like therapy is working with her, and you’d like to see a new therapist. Might require putting your foot down a bit.
If she still refuses, I’d definitely follow Micros advice and try to have an open discussion about the approach she’s taking and what she’s trying to do. If she seems frustrated with you, maybe help her out a bit by saying “I’m not trying to be difficult this is just really stressful for me” just to try to help get her on your side a bit. And if you can, try to work with her and just accept the things she says and try to approach it from the angles she’d like you to take. I know it’s not fun, and it doesn’t always feel good, but part of the process of therapy can sometimes be deconstructing things we believe about ourselves.