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Bananas are weird. Also anxiety sucks buckets. Work Place anxiety. Church based pain


#1

Bananas in pyjamas are coming down the stairs.

Um anyway. I’m really unsure and hesitant about doing this to be honest. Especially because of the Christian vibes. There’s a couple of things that are bothering me at the moment. For the most part I’m dealing with them. But it’s more like silently suffering it tbh.

I get really bad workplace anxiety. As soon as I get a new job (often even just little part time things) I become overwhelmingly anxious. I worry I won’t be good enough or I won’t be able to handle it. I know the truth and the lies within that and I know the roots of low self worth that have likely caused it but the feelings are so strong it can be debilitating.

I had small amounts of DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) to try to learn ways of physically coping with the emotion and some helped and others made me more annoyed. I just fear I’m never going to get over this anxiety.

Likewise, often I’d find at least a small amount of social community/support at church. But church has been so abusive to me that it outweighs the good. And now I don’t go at all. Its left a hole. And until I move back out of my folks house I don’t feel ill find anywhere inclusive to be a part of. I feel almost like life is on complete pause and I just have to survive holding my breath until I can start my PhD (I don’t even know whether that will happen at all yet because funding lol)

Sometimes it’s not that I don’t know where the feelings are coming from it’s just that the physical effects of the feelings are so strong I don’t know what to do with myself. I also at the moment feel I have no outlet for it. Which I think is is why I’m at this point now.

Also sorry because you were all so friendly to me but I became a lil apprehensive about all the Christian stuff. I don’t want to be hurt by bad theology or anything like that again. :confused: so maybe this isn’t right for me but I’ll try anyway.

Thanks for reading.

Also bananas.

(Ps. I don’t like bananas) xD


#2

Hey there, thanks for sharing. I know you were hesitant about it and you sharing anyways shows a lot of courage and strength, so I appreciate that a lot.
Having a new job can be really scary, and at times it can be very easy to feel like you won’t live up to your employers and coworkers’ expectations, which causes a lot of anxiety and worry. Believe me, I’ve been there and I get it. Just know that you aren’t defined by your ability to work a certain job well and you aren’t defined by how satisfied people are with you at work; or anywhere, really. Try to meditate on this truth until you really believe it and try your best at whatever job you have and it will be enough, I promise.
A friend of mine told me “The meanest and most abusive people I ever met were Christians. Also, the kindest and most loving people I ever met were also Christians.”
Sometimes churches and Christians can be very cruel I’ve certainly experienced that firsthand, as have many other people here. Christians are very weird, and the issues you have with your church are real, and I’m sorry you experienced abuse from a group of people who were made to love. Know that they don’t represent what they claim to believe.
Most importantly, know that no matter what you believe, you are loved completely and infinitely and in this very moment. We love you, we care about you, and you matter. And if you ever need a place to feel included, you always will have a place here.

Hang in there friend,
Jaden


#3

Bananas are really weird. Not only are they bright yellow, but they are also curved. Plus monkeys eat them, and don’t get me started on monkeys.

I am truly sorry that the group of people who were those who should have been the first to help you were the ones to hurt you. You did not deserve that at all. Hopefully those who have hurt you will come to realize what they have done and make a change but maybe this is a reminder to evaluate people by their actions more so than their words.

OH HOT DAMN you have a Master’s degree?!?!? AND YOU WANT TO GET YOUR PHD?!?! Thats pretty damn amazing friend :D. Qualifications may not be the be all and end all in the work place but wow, all the hard work you have put in to achieve what you have so far will definitely back you up in some way in the work place. Anxiety wants you to believe you are only a fraction as good at your job as what you truly are and so I pray that you can find the confidence and insight to work past your anxiety to see the full truth of your circumstances, as by the sounds of it you are probably a lot more capable as you think.

I can’t say I know much about DBT but if you aren’t already, following an exercise program may be a good idea. The release of endorphins and pent up emotions can often do a lot of good for us (even when we aren’t anxious).

(Ps I think bananas are great but I fully respect your dislike of them. Do you like apples?)


#4

I like the way bananas taste but not their texture. Bleh! Apples are okay but watermelon is way better!

Thank you for the reply I appreciate it. Yeah it’s weird because doing the masters was hard work but I didn’t feel anxious about it. Perhaps because I wasn’t being paid to do it. I don’t know. But legitimately all I’m doing at the moment is a few hours a week cleaning. That shouldn’t be making me anxious.

As for church, I feel at a real loss with it. It’s both a place I long for and one I want to be as far away from as possible. Awks xD

Its good to hear that in probably more capable than I think. Tbh right now the worst that could happen is they fire me. And I’m only doing it for some extra money at the moment so its not the end of the world. I hope that eventually I’ll get a lecturing job and then I will be less anxious because its something I know and I believe I can do. Somehow it just feels different but I don’t know. We’ll find out I guess. Just got to keep breathing until I get to September and hopefully I can feel like I’m regaining my life back.

Thanks!

Also monkeys are cool, but I can’t get behind their banana eating ways xD


#5

Thank you for the reply I appreciate it!

I feel really torn with church. I know and believe in jesus. But I hate the church. I really hate it. But at the same time I feel lost without it sometimes.

Because of my sexuality, Gender identity and mental health I’ve experienced ongoing trauma and abuse from the church. From leaders having to check it was okay for me to work or be in church. Like somehow my queer self was going to dirty up their environment. People telling me I need to change or I’m going to hell, because I happened to be a different gender and love different genders.

Several times I became suicidal because I couldn’t cope with the theology I was being told. It was a case of be celibate or be damned a lot of the time. And it drove me to a point where I just wanted out.

But even that wasn’t the worst. I went away to do an internship with a worship organisation and church and I was so excited because it would mean I’d finally get to serve musically. Oh boy was I in for a world of pain. All the time I was there the leaders kept saying “we love you, we are for you” but then they wouldnt treat me in loving ways. And worst of all they didn’t even see that it was t loving. I had a panic attack in one intern meeting because there was a conversation about sexual abuse going on. The response from a leader was to try to forecably remove me from the room, at least it felt that way. My mental health got worse and worse as I realised new things about my own past too. And because the way the churhch and the leaders kept reacting to me was so unhelpful. They wanted to control everything! Even once when I gave a piece of spoken word at church, I prayed beforehand and the next day I was told off in a review for doing so.

I was also living with a host family who I knew were homiphobic and it would appear in subtle ways. The guy would invite me to lunch and then quiz me about my thoughts on it. Telling me I was playing a dangerous social experiment, that I was braking the fabric of society etc. He got quite verbally angry at one point and that triggered a ptsd response for me from the abusive and anger I felt as a kid at home.

I became so unwell I was self harming almost constantly just to cope and was nearly always suicidal.

The church leaders then told me to contact them if I needed to and so I did. I was then told I would need to only contact emergency contacts and they gave me a list, so I did.

A few days later I was brought into another leadership meeting and was told that it was in appropriate to contact them. Like wtf! That’s what I was told to do!

The leaders then said I should go to the doctor and if I needed to, one of them could go with me. Tbh I said yes because I thought maybe that support would be helpful and I’m so annoyed I didn’t say no. A leader came with me and without asking me came into the Dr’s office! She spoke on my behalf and talked about my struggles and part of me was like this is good because I wouldn’t have been able to be honest but in hindsight it was such an abuse of power. I ended up being given medication that I wasn’t sure I wanted because I felt like I had to do as I was asked and the leader said I should.

Now I’m still on meds and I’m grateful for them but I still regret that day.

It got to a point where the leader of the whole church was joking about taking over the counter medication bexause it gave him a buzz and that’s how he dealt with anxiety. When I raised it as innappropriate I was told it was just the way they were.

It all culminated in the end in me being extremely suicidal and trying to hang myself. Shortly after I realised I wasn’t going to ever be a part of the internship I wanted or hoped for and so I left. The next weekend my mum and me came back and picked up my stuff and then I was gone for good.

In some ways it made me realise how much abuse I’d suffered before that point too. And in left hugely wounded by it now. And worst of all because it was always wrapped in a layer of we are for you and we love you, sometimes I find myself wondering whether it was just me all along and it was all my own fault. Which is not true. It was abuse. I just have to keep reiterating that to myself when I believe otherwise.

Sorry that was a long vent. Ive talked to people about this before. I guess it just still bothers me. And ever since then I’ve never recovered the faith I was had. It’s broken. Even more so than before.

I have work this morning. Looking forward to getting it over with and coming back to nap!

Ive been given more hours too. Which is good because it’s more money but also its tiring work and its a combination of I just don’t want to to so much and the genuine anxiety about doing it well enough and being able to cope with the physical requirements of it. Nevermind hopefully soon it’ll be over.

Boy I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get the PhD. But that’s and if so eh

Thanks for reading my rambling, sorry its so long

And thanks for the reply.

Best
Bear


#6

If y’all don’t mind me joining in on this! I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart for the experiences that you guys have had from the church and people :frowning: as a Christian we are to love one another and pray and lift up one another. Not tear each other down, that is not what God has called us to do, one of his greatest commandments was LOVE… In the Bible it says to “come as you are.” Come JUST as you are, doesn’t matter what sexuality you are, he loves you. And we’re to love everyone as well, not judge and put down. A church is supposed to be loving to everyone that steps foot into the building…I’m praying for those who have gave you guys a bad taste of Christianity and of who our God is, a heart change in those people. And I’m praying for you guys to keep fighting!! Because this race is hard, but we’re a family and we’ll beat these mental issues! :pray:t4::+1:t4: If you guys don’t mind, idk if you guys pray or not, but please keep me in prayer as well, Depression is kicking me in the butt, and I’m tired. Thank you!! God bless! :two_hearts: