Bare Minerals/ (Grievances)

Everything in me betrays my spirit. It’s been a long day for me today , but it’s nowhere near as long as the long darkened road that I’ve seemed to pave for myself. Now this particular road is rough, and has taken years and years of dedication to the overall destruction of myself to keep it standing.

It’s like it’s made of oak.

I betrayed myself in thinking that the time would just cause the pain & the hurt that I backback through this world with- to cease. It’s grown onto me. In me. It’s as venous as the stuff I keep taking to numb it all down.

I can’t keep watching my mothers eyes at night.
A mother knows you know? Knows when you’re out of alignment with anything you know to be right.

Truthfully, I haven’t said this it loud like this for you guys to see and feel… in a long time. I guess I prefer to hide from myself. 10+ years later and that seems to have worked out just fine right?

Pfft.

I just wanna take a minute and go back.

Truth is: I’m an addict. I’m a liar and a theif on occasion. I’m a cutter, a struggler of depression and suicidal thoughts, and I’m wandering around here at heart support trying to find the bare essentials.

Maybe I can just rest and take stock.
I need every kind of rest that I can find that isnt prepackaged and stuffed into my body like poison.

Enough of that might go ahead and kill me…

Maybe I won’t get high again, and then (just maybe) I’ll finally be able to really look into my mother’s eyes and not see the worry.

I just want to get back to whatever simple was.

2 Likes

@Khai thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry that this is happening right now but know you are not long. For around 6-7 years I have been addicted to drugs, cutting, attempted suicide several times and all with no support from around me. I’m so so proud of you for being honest and letting us in on this because I know how hard it can be. I finally reached out HeartSupport about my addiction and it seemed honestly like there was never any hope of getting over it. I was taking everyday and didn’t see any point in stopping. However this community has been the best thing. They helped me to start attending NA meetings (online not yet in person) throw away my pills and start on a road to becoming sober. Thing was… The drugs were my way of stopping myself from cutting and so when that was taken away I felt so lost. What I’m trying to say is - I’ve started on a road that i have said countless times is impossible but, it’s only impossible if you try and tackle it alone. Reaching out here is a HUGE step in the right direction and I urge you to look into getting some support from therapists/counsellors if that’s an option and look into NA meetings too as a start to getting sober. You CAN DO THIS. I’ve battled and still am battling very similar demons, even though I had a recent relapse I’m still fighting and getting stronger everyday. It’ll be difficult but you have already shown amazing strength just writing this. Please keep reaching out. You’ve got this. We love you.

Hold Fast.
Kayla

1 Like

Hey @Khai,

Just a side note - have you ever considered starting a blog or writing a book? You have a way with words - I really like how you constructed and illustrated your original post.

Anyway, please know that you’re not alone in your fight. Most of us have been (or are currently going) through what you’re experiencing. If you haven’t checked out HeartSupport’s book “ReWrite” yet, I would highly recommend it. It addresses the concept of depression and there’s a workbook toward the end of the book that can help you win the battle of self-harm. In the meantime, know that you are STRONG, you are WORTHY, and you are WORTH IT. We care about you and we want to see you beat your demons. You got this!

-Eric

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Thank You for the compliment @Eric. I’ve actually been writing for as long as I can remember. It’s been my protection against myself when the emotions of the day(s), moments kinda pick up on you and formulate like a wave. Writing was my life raft so I wouldn’t take me with me when I’m in those great moments. So anyway, Thank You again. I stopped expressing myself through writing for a long time and found that period of time in my life to be alot harder to handle. I’ve since picked it back up again to try to make sense of things again. You can read some of it sometime if you’re truly interested.

morganboyblue.wordpress.com

Maybe let me know what you think.