It’s okay to feel the way you do, Alice. For what it’s worth, I’m so very proud of you for letting him know - and us here - how you feel and how difficult it is at times. Life can definitely get in top of anyone, at anytime, and even though we might not share the same space physically, you have a family here who loves you and will never cease to root for you.
This tension between going on with life and feeling tied to a pain that feels impossible to walk around is, indeed, a confusing conflict to deal with. On one side, your mind knows what is right for you, in this very world and in this very life. On the other side, there’s @Whois, his presence through his absence, and all the memories you’ve built together. It brings so many questions - when is the right time to let go? Is it even possible? And does letting go equal forgetting or betraying the love we once had? It’s hard to build a way that was not expected, between your life and the death of someone who meant so much to you. It’s about moving towards life while growing distant with everything that made a person who they are, and every step in this direction can add unexpected layers of grief to feel, process, and heal.
I have no doubt that he knew how much you loved him. Your name would come up so often, and you were an absolutely breath of fresh air and peace to him. The other day, I was reading some past conversations, and without even knowing you at the time I could feel from him how much of a ray of sunshine you’ve been in his life. That warm and special love is something that was added to both of your lives and will never be taken away from you. He has a special place in your heart, in your story, and it’s okay to navigate the questions and fears that would lead you to the next chapters of your own life. And before that, of your own healing. You know the saying that grief isn’t linear… and it hurts in ways that nothing else does.
You will find your way again, my friend. You will find your sense of direction in a way that isn’t going to feel like suppressing him either. No matter how long you need, there is a path for you ahead, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time as you walk on it. Even if it has to be one hour at a time at moments, it’s okay.
You too, my friend, are so very loved. 
