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Beaten down, kicked around and slipping

I’m writing this on my birthday. A day that I would wish for anyone to be a day to feel joy, to smile, to celebrate but instead I’m numb. I’m numb to this month of bill collectors trying to take my home, turn off my phone, actually turning off the water to my home, to my car breaking down and needing hundreds of dollars of repairs. One might think that it’s just a bad month and things will improve. As I’ve heard, “it can only get better from here” or “things can’t always be like this”. You might think so. I did. But this has been a reoccurring theme for nearly this past full year. Nearly a year of struggling, pushing, challenging myself to outthink these situations, to keep my head above water and begging for a lifeline to be thrown to me, for things to just give me a little hope. My wife and I have tried so many things to get things to shift that we’re both now tired, physically and mentally and still life is kicking us down. Where is the break? I WANT to draw, to play games, to stream and laugh and joke. I want to be in a better place so I can encourage others. But lately all the time goes to looking for work, to looking for hope, to talking with “experts” to find a fix, to adjusting and readjusting resumes, to chasing bills and fixing cars…and all the while trying to raise kids, care for pets and care for aging parents. Beaten up, exhausted and morose I even feel like an outsider in the Heartsupport chat. My strength has faded. My mind is exhausted. I don’t know how much more “bottom” I can hit. Is there even a light at the end of THIS tunnel? I don’t know if anyone will read this or respond but I believe in this wall and this community and I believe in the process of being vulnerable and sharing your darkness with others. So…this is me.

Hey there @Mantlebeard

That’s rough on all accounts. I had a few years like that. I know how hard that can be. I know there’s only so much a man can do when he’s “tired” but I can say. Through Strength comes Perseverance.

From the sounds of it you been taking the hits and kept ticking. Walt Disney said keep moving forward. I know cliche. But if you stop now you may not wanna move and drift to a darker place.

There is light some times that light maybe a pinprick far off but there is light. You are doing your best! Keep going my friend. You got this.

If you have to take it a day at a time and achieve small victories.

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Thank you Yepitstuesday for your encouragement and support. Means a lot!

Hey @Mantlebeard,

You are such a caring and dedicated person. I’m sorry you have to handle so many things at the same time.

I can understand that feeling of being overwhelmed and wondering what you can do to just have a break. Like life is always keeping unwanted surprises in her pockets. I found that, even if I can’t control what’s happening, even if If my energy is going away, I can still try to take 5 minutes for myself, every day, to not do anything at all. I know it’s not a lot, and it’s hard when you’ve got so many people counting on you and too many things that has to be done. Sometimes I couldn’t allow myself these 5 minutes as I was too exhausted. But at least I try, in the morning and before going to bed. To start the day with some fresh air and silence before facing the storm. And to take some time to breath at the end of the day. It’s not a lot, and I know it won’t solve anything. But knowing that I’ll have this at the end of the day helps to me to keep going on.

Hold fast friend. I sincerely hope things will get better for you soon.

Sending much love to you. :heart:

@MicrosmosK THANK YOU. You’re so right about taking that breather moment. I totally agree. I have been doing those some. Probably one of the few things that keeps me from dropping deep into a dark depression. Thank you for taking time to respond. It means sooo much to me.

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@Mantlebeard hey bud
Hope things are going better even if its even in the slightest. Again day by day slow and steady my man.

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im so sorry i know how it feels