This is a long one , So basically I found out recently I’m going to be a dad I’ve been married two years and with my wife for 6 all together. And sorta out of nowhere all my past and depression/anger/anxiety has RE surfaced I haven’t had that this intense since I was like 15ish. I’m really excited to but overwhelmed. Let’s start here so around 3 Years old my mom couldn’t handle me (She was 16 my dad 18) and gave me to my dad (found that out last year) during the ordeal they got into a huge VIOLENT altercation that I can recall like it was yesterday and it fucked me up badly the root of most things. So was in counseling than around 7-11 years old I had a older cousin who was molesting me at least every other weekend during that age I was not a good kid I fled authority I gave up on religion(something I’m completely fine with now I’m not religious I just believe in kindness and understanding) I did horrible in school , constantly getting in trouble getting sent home and than get hit with a belt or something else that was used on me at home by my dad. I also was doing stuff with a friend sexually 100% no force we were experimenting like some kids do at that age . Than he was actually being molested by someone 19 when we were 11 and 8 someone caught the dude who was a predator and asked my friend if he had done anything else like this and my name came up EVEN THOUGH I WAS 11 instead of counseling for me or talking to us, I was charged at 11 years old as a sex offender which literally took any confidence I had completely away as well as my life. Like is the system really that ducking corrupt!? Most people think that was ridiculous. I ended up getting put on meds and still struggling had to move from my home because my step mom ran a in home daycare and I couldn’t be around for kids yeah a kid who can’t be around kids fucking stupid!! I moved to my moms First going through my uncles, grandpa, grandparents homes and them getting fed up with me so they sent me. Than eventually after multiple probation violations like being outside without my mom, I ended up in a group home learned a ton found out I’m definitely not a weirdo but it still took everything after that group home hell where i picked up self harm (Cutting) and learned all about the beauty of drugs and how I can ignore everything with them (years later till I tried any) I got out and finally got my name off a list no child should ever be on right before turning 17. the first year of highschool as well as 8th grade was horrible EVERY teacher had to know I was on a sex offender list it crushed me I was self harming almost daily. I’m so happy I got off that list the judge actually made a comment if she would have had my case she would of helped me and not done the probation or court stuff. Than later I made some poor decisions in my teen years lots of partying and drinking got into some trouble nothing overly serious sadly I pawned something stolen at 18 and got $20 for it and a felony yeah a felony for $20 lol insane if you ask me . Since than I bombed hard I’m 28 now doing way better life choice wise, but from 18-25 had a lot of bad times covering my ptsd and past with booze and drugs never really got addicted to anything definitely went hard with the booze, so I lost my license, I have shit credit, felony on my record that I didn’t even have to serve time for at all literally, not the best job, don’t own anything fuck this year was the first time I ever signed a lease with my name . And I literally only think of my past. Lately I been on edge got drunk Saturday I honestly very rarely drink and decided to let that be the last time. I made a fucking ass of myself online and more of a town who dislikes me dislikes me more but fuck em. My heart rate has been super high lately my anger has spiraled I just want to be a good dad and be able to raise my child and right now I feel like such a failure in life I’m 28 and work pt in a kitchen . All I can focus on is my past currently I am seeing a counselor and she thinks I have ptsd and the stuff I said here barely scratches the surface there loads of more and without the insurance in this “great” country it’s very hard to pay and afford help like its crazy. Not to get political I love where I live just wish the govt gave a shit about their people which they do not. I’m not worried about using honestly. Just so fuckin overwhelmed I’m trying to be a good man and a amazing husband/father but with all this constantly on my mind I can’t even get through a day of work without going off or panic attacks. My wife is very supportive with me with my music goals life goals and everything she is literally Amazing and I’m incredibly lucky but sometimes it I feel like she’s too good for me I’m just feeling like shut typing this helped. Any parents out there feel free to message me or whatever I could use some more help talk wise. Thanks for reading my story
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Hi and welcome and thank you for sharing all that. Wow. You have hard a long road to this point. Man you’ve been through a lot. I’m so sorry.
I am a parent and I can say yes it is terrifying and exhausting but its also wonderful and a blessing.
I hear you say you feel like a failure, but I also hear you say you have a job and you’re in counseling and you have survived through some insane crap in your life and you work to be a good man and a good father and have goals. They are all wonderful things. Please give yourself credit for those.
You are really at a strong age to have a child - I think so many of us don’t start getting our crap together until we’re a little older.
Hang in there friend. Keep posting.
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