Although I have posted a lot of my struggles here- and few of my successes, overall I am beginning to feel alive again.
I feel like for four years I was just depressed, anxious, and at times wishing to just disappear. Then I found Heart Support- and things got really good; I was genuinely happy, I was finding friends from this community- even though those relationships were not strong yet, they still helped a lot and meant a lot. I just felt my purpose come forth and it felt so freaking great to feel alive.
Off and on I had ups and downs- as we all do- but sometimes, I would just hit rock bottom again- where nothing seemed to go right, I was drowning in self hatred and loneliness and I continued to isolate; school also took a toll on me this year due to it being senior year- but still, I graduated.
A few weeks before graduation I was at a point where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I was at the lowest point I was at in a long time- but I made it, I’m still alive.
And yes- it is a big thing to graduate high school, but after that I was burnt out, I was drowning, I was lost. So much was going on that I was drained from social interaction and I was just always so freaking tired. I recently messed up my sleep schedule- like really bad- but I think I am getting a hold on that. It was like, go to sleep at 2am and wake up at 10:30am- but don’t get out of bed until 11:30am- and by that time I just thought man what’s even the point of getting out of bead since a chunk of the day is gone. So I’d laze around- being depressed and anxious and just feeling lost.
But now- to skip ahead… ok well just like a week ahead but yeah- I feel good. I feel like I did when I first found Heart Support.
I am making this thing called a positivity journal and I put stuff that I know works in certain situations- I think you can add pictures so I might do that because it would be a lot easier than trying to explain.
Through that period of time I have grown so close to so many people.
Even though I was going through a dark time- a lot of good happened:
I got to meet one of my sisters after 10 years.
I got to see her graduate and she got to see me graduate.
I realized it was OK to reach out to people- and a lot of people are there for me. A lot of people care.
I got back into art, and music, and things I love.
I’ve grown closer to my sister than we ever were.
I know that there are still going to be a lot of bad days- we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good if we didn’t have them- but now I’m just glad to say that I feel good. I feel like I have the resources I need to get through this and the hope I need to keep going on.
I appreciate this community so much that I cannot even put it into words. If I could hug every single one of you I would- even though I am an awkward hugger.
I love you all. Heart Support means the world to me. I’m glad to be alive, I’m glad to actually feel alive again.
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface )
PS: My apologies for the essay, but thank you for reading.