Been batting with depression for so long and I'm getting tired. I think im losing

It’s easy to be open here I guess, no authorities but like an audience I guess and there’s support from all kinds of people just using that as a perspective. But ill share.

I’ve shared some things, but not like this I’ve been treated like an animal since I could remember being in diapers. There was no love in my house or family. There was mental and physical abuse more physical than anything. I’d gone to school acted clumsy and hurt myself that way so they wouldn’t think there was an issue in the home… and I mean at 13 it stopped for a little. When my dad divorced my step mom and her kids. I was never told about my birth mom passing away until I was 15 but it was only brought up over them fighting.
My childhood was like this a bunch of times if my step mom was pissed of she’d beat me and tell a different story to my dad and I’d get the snot beat out of me.

But these small things i shared isn’t anything compared to being able to live with a close friend and his family they took me in when I was 18. And counted me as their son and it was completely weird to me. Because I never understood what it meant to be actually cared for. And these people went above and beyond for my needs. But I felt like everything I thought about life had come crashing down I wasn’t able to be considered family anymore because of an agreement. I out myself in a program because I was trying to look for my identity in myself like who am I. And it didn’t work out for me it was suppose to be 12 months maybe 16 at most but it ended in 3 months. The agreement was I wouldnt be with them anymore and just had a very lonely experience 28 hours bus ride from New Hampshire to Pennsylvania back home and got picked up by him with all my belongings. And what I felt was the worst thing I met old friends and I started doing drugs. I was so depressed and never wanted to die because I had believed that heaven and hell is real and with everything I’ve gone through to live and to suffer from living and to hear about Hell. I didnt take my life. I experimented drugs my mind was altered and I was seeing things that weren’t there. Convinced that I’d rather feel taking the drugs than to feel nothing at all…

But on a daily basis I just had questioned everything. I feel numb everyday and there isn’t anyone to talk to about it and I don’t want everyone to know but I’d let a complete stranger know because I don’t know them and they don’t know me. I struggle with constant wanting that instant gratification to smoke weed and trip but I fight it everyday. I wish I was treated with love growing up… I wish this life had anything more to offer but it just doesn’t. I’m just really hanging in there


Sounds like you’re playing life on ultra nightmare difficulty.

I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced. It sounds like you are trying to make the most of it, and not let your negative experiences define you. It doesn’t matter who we are, going through what you went through is going to give the sanest person mental issues.

Keep searching. You will find what you’re looking for. You’re doing great so far.


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