Back to heartsupport

Been depressed for a while now. Its gotten really bad now

I’ve been depressed for a while and I reached rock bottom. I always tried to move ahead in life and always did. I no longer care about anything anymore. I cannot handle myself anymore. I don’t even want to try. I’m tired and ready to go and never come back. Im watching my college assignment grades turn to 0’s because I can’t even find the motivation to do them. idk if I am just being a victim of my life but I just simply do not have the energy to even get out of bed. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what makes me happy or what I like to even try to do. I don’t want to live. I wish I can just dry up like a parasite and disappear, because that’s already how I feel. Only difference is that I am still alive.

1 Like

@Yes1

I hear you. Don’t hold those feelings in. Let them out. Share them here.

I love you and I’m praying for you.

In my third semester of college, I stayed in bed about 18 hours a day because I didn’t want to face the world. I felt like I was falling. I stopped caring about classes, extracurriculars, and friends, and I didn’t know why.

When you hear people say “college isn’t for everyone,” you probably think they’re referring to people who aren’t as smart or who struggle academically. Running in the highest academic circles in my high school, my teachers told us that we were going to do well in college. There was never a question of if we were going. College was no more a choice for us than death or taxes. When I fell flat on my face with a full ride scholarship and a year’s worth of AP credits in my back pocket, I lost my identity and didn’t know what to do. Finish college or flip burgers, right?

I just wanted to stop existing and let my memory fade into obscurity. The only thing that kept me going was the notion that this is not all there is to life. Life wasn’t about excruciating misery. There had to be something else.

Do you want to be there? If not, then why are you there? Is it because you’re supposed to go? Is it because if you don’t get a degree you won’t get a job and you’ll live a mediocre life? Is it because not finishing your degree would let the people in your life down? Those are all lies. It’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to feel like college isn’t what you expected it to be. It’s okay to be tired of it. It’s also okay to take some time away, to go home and save money and work somewhere to clear your head. Your credits don’t expire. And it’s even okay to drop out and start your career. I did that after 6 years of beating my head against a wall in school. I’m doing really well in my career, and I take pride in having gotten here on my intrinsic merits.

Those are just some of my thoughts. Find what you want to do, be true to yourself, and don’t live in denial. If you want to talk more feel free to DM me. You’re not alone.

3 Likes

it’s more than just school though. I fell in love with what I am now realizing was a narcissist, or someone between that mental category. After being in an unhappy marriage for 6 years where I felt alone (this man manipulated and gas lighted me) I finally found the courage to set myself free. I was happy, my standards were very high. I promised myself I wouldn’t settle for anything less than what I deserved. And I had this confidence, I believed that I did not need a man by my side and that the next one I allow in my life would actually bring value to it. Nonetheless, I was not looking fro get into another relationship. Shortly after I met this guy. He was (well at that time) the polar opposite of my ex husband. Had every quality I looked for in a man. We officially started dating after getting to know each other for 2 months. I had a hard time trusting and believing him and his promises, because well words are just words. 4 months after officially dating him I finally let my guard down and fell in love with him. We talked about getting married and having kids and etc. (I don’t have kids)… I believed he was the one for me and I believed this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. He opened up to me about some things he had been struggling with and was working towards changing. (gambling and porn addiction). I helped him combat gambling, but his porn habits were more severe than I imagined. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored these red flags. I thought that because of the fact that he was honest about these embarrassing things he had been struggling with, he truly cared about me. fast forward a year after dating him I dropped everything in my hometown to move to another city with him. After moving with him everything was great for the first 2 weeks. we were going out on dates, exploring the new city, I was in pure bliss. And I thought he was too. I connected with him like I never had connected with anyone in my past before, even sexually. one day out of nowhere he broke up with me. I was devastated and heartbroken because I thought we were happy. I thought I was gonna live happily ever after. I cried hysterically and begged him, he refused to try to work things out. So I accepted the break up. Put myself back together and started planning my trip back home. He took back the break up and said he wanted to work things out because he loved me very much and he couldn’t live without me. I was torn, and confused, and in denial. But I agreed to work with him because I loved him. (The reason he broke up with me was because he said I was selfish and I had habits I needed to change and said I didn’t know how to communicate). idk if im blind but his accusations didn’t make sense. I thought maybe I was being hard headed so I sincerely tried to change what he claimed he didn’t like about me. He was dismissive and cruel some days and other days he was completely sweet, kind, loving and caring and showed that he had his best interest for me. I blamed myself because I thought maybe I didn’t give myself enough time to detox from divorce and maybe that’s where the bad habits he claimed I had came from. He know what I had dealt with in the past why couldn’t he be more understanding right? at least that’s what I keep telling myself. he had no empathy for me and I swear I never tried to harm or hurt him. He claimed that he didn’t like my submissive behavior and that he can tell that my ex husband treated me like dirt baed on how I behaved. If he knew, why wasn’t he kind and compassionate?.. Nothing made sense but I was so in love with him. A day after he broke up with me and got back together, I came home from work early (he was locked in the room and had been in there all day since the morning, it was 8pm). I saw his iPad in the kitchen and idk why but I felt the need to look through it. I saw that he had sent a strange number a text that said "babe’…I brushed it off and thought it was a mistake and maybe he tried to send that to me I thought. But then I remembered he didn’t text me at all while I was at work. and when I came home and found him in the room, he told me he hadn’t come out because he was feeling sick. I believed him so I made him soup, which later he refused to eat it. He was acting dismissive and I felt rejected. The next morning after he went to work I remembered what I saw. So I went back and tried to re read that text. I connected it to wifi and everything else loaded, the conversation, exchanged naked photos. He had tried to make plans to meet a woman in person to have sex. That shattered me. I didn’t know how to confront him. I had dropped everything to be with him and that how he treated me. I couldn’t hold back so I took a picture of the conversation with my phone and sent it to him asking “what’s this”? he didn’t deny anything and worse he told me he met her at a live web cam porn site… cried and apologized and begged me not to leave him he told me he knew he messed up and blocked her and made a promise with himself that he would never do anything to hurt me again. It was very hard for me, I packed my stuff the next day with the decision to go back home. His parents and him, convinced me to stay and not make rash decisions. I stayed and decided to give him another chance. I fell into a deep depression and was experiencing symptoms that sounds like PTSD… things didn’t get better, he started manipulating me and he actually made me believe I had a mental health issue. I started going to therapy. After a few sessions of therapy he actually told me I was wasting my money on it. (money was tight and we were struggling) I stopped going to therapy. I thought to myself (maybe he just doesn’t want me to figure out the truth that he was the problem and not me)… But I believed all the blaming and shaming he had put me through. I was confused because he treated me better than any man had ever created me (he was like 2 people in 1 body)… Things became physical one night and he tried to strangle me. I am still in denial about it and im still having a hard time believing that was him and that actually really happened. I still love him and I don’t understand why… I prayed to god and asked for a sign, the next day I got a text from my brother telling me that my mom had a giant tumor in her stomach. I took that as my sign and decided to go back home and establish a strong relationship with her so I didn’t have any regrets in case she was to pass any day. (I hadn’t had a relationship with her for 14 years). I am enrolled at the university but I had to transfer all my classes online. I am trying to move on with my own personal life but I just don’t really care about my life. I have 0 motivation and I don’t even practice self care anymore. I feel completely lost and depressed. I am job less, car less, and I havent told my mom or brother what had happened while was gone. IDK what I am suffering with but im pretty sure I have some type of serious mental disorder now because I can’t do anything. I feel paralyzed.

3 Likes

That was a lot to get off your chest. I’m sorry you went through all that. Emotional abuse is enough to destroy anyone. I can’t speak from firsthand experience, but I’d say you still love him because he made you dependent on him and convinced you deep down that you’ll be worse off without him. I have an aunt who still misses her emotionally abusive ex husband 4 years after she finally left him. It will take a lot of time and strength to heal from that. For now, just use all the strength you can to not go back to him.

My advice right now is to do what you need to do to survive, and cut out the extras. Look into a medical withdrawal or Incomplete status for your classes and take school off your shoulders. It’s not a failure, it’s just a break. If you have a place to stay right now, you have a home base and that’s a good thing. If you can get a part time job, it may be purposeful enough to get you out of the house and on some kind of regular schedule. If you don’t have the strength for that right now, look into counseling services. That one can be tricky, but there are a few low cost practitioners here and there to help people in situations like yours, or if you’re comfortable with it you can try talking to someone at a local church. The hardest part of any counseling is going to the first session, but getting your heartache out in the open is a huge relief.

I hope you do well resetting your life and reuniting with your family. I’ll be praying for you and for your mom.

2 Likes

From: tromboness

Your experiences are valid. You have a lot on your plate. You are worthy of receiving unconditional love. Hold Fast.

Thank you @Yes1 for posting, for sharing, and being incredibly brave. Your story really makes me see perspective on many other people’s stories including my own. I feel great empathy for your situation and how hard you have had to work to get out of a dangerous situation.

You must feel so incredibly exhausted and lost with all of this, but you keep pushing on. Your ability to question your experience and wonder about your reactions and how you are moving through life is admirable. But I want to tell you straight up, you have conquered so much. You have had some terrible experiences and these types of things stay with us throughout our lives.

I am not a doctor, and I don’t know what you have going on for sure, what I do know is that when you have someone who shows you via their actions and words that you don’t mean anything, that you start to believe them. Maybe that is why you also still care for him. I am here to tell you that you ARE worth it. You are LOVED. I really hope you keep moving through life and sharing your story and bringing people together because its not easy to do alone.

I really do recommend you revisit counseling, or get involved with groups of survivors of domestic violence. There are resources to help you get on your feet and figure things out after something like this. It breaks and bends your view of yourself, and its hard to feel like going on alone.

We see you, we love you. You are not crazy and you ARE worth it. It may be so hard to see outside of your situation but you are strong and brave and thank you so much for sharing.

Hold fast <3

2 Likes

From: stafflower

Friend, you have been through so much and it couldn’t have been easy to go through let alone recount it all. But, your vulnerability in sharing is a huge step towards healing. It’s okay to feel depressed, it’s okay to seek help. We are grateful you found this community and I hope you can find healing through the resources and people you’ll encounter here. Your life matters and has value. We love you and stand with you.

1 Like

Thank you for so bravely sharing, that’s a lot to handle.
I can see why you’re struggling the way you are. Please know, friend, that his behaviour, is NOT your fault. I remember when I was a child, I witnessed my dad trying to strangle my mother. She stayed with him, and is still with him now. I know how much that affected me and I couldn’t imagine being the person in that situation. I mean, just by reading that story, I go back to all those emotions I felt in that moment.
Thing is… YOU got out of it. YOU got free. I know it feels like things are so hard with your mothers illness and the aftermath of that relationship, but you’re still here, you’re fighting.
I’m in a position where I don’t really do much in terms of self care now… I feel like I’d be better off dead, I understand where you’re at. There are people who care about you - please lean on them. Anything this community can provide for you, it’s yours. Keep trying with therapy. I feel like you being here, on this support wall, shows you’re ready. You want to get better. It takes time to find the right therapist, but it’s so worth it.

Hold Fast.
Kayla

1 Like

From: sagefantasy

Be kind to yourself and try and make little steps everyday even if that’s reading 10 pages of a new book or going on a 10 minute walk. You reaching out to this community is a beautiful step and you should feel proud of yourself. Any form of movement or putting attention towards a healthy activity can help reduce your personal war of self judgement or lack of self forgiveness and allow you to process your trauma without attacking yourself.

From: 4everwarped

I am so sorry that you had to go through this hell. Because that is what a relationship with a narcissistic person is, actual hell. No empathy is a huge red flag of this disorder. I know how much it hurts to bury your soul to someone you love and be met with indifference. You are incredibly strong for being here today. This community is amazing and you will find all the support you need here. This is a place of genuine love and unconditional acceptance.

From: 4everwarped

There are support groups out there for people that have escaped relationships with narcissistic people.

From: creeve12

1st I am so proud that you have open up for us to give you support but I want to remind you that your past don’t have to hold you back always know that we love and care about you and we all are here for you to help you get through this hard time

@Yes1 We covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream today. Here’s the live response video!

Hold Fast

1 Like

Hey Everyone, im new to this support group so I’m still learning how to maneuver my way around. I hope that every single one of you who took the time to not only read, but to reply to me with your compassionate words of encouragement. I came across this website after googling “I don’t want to live anymore” and decided to make an account, and vent because I haven’t had the courage to vent to family about what I had gone through in that new city I had moved to. I read everyones responses and watched that video, and I just want to say thank you very much for this. Your reactions and your empathy made me realize that I was not delusional, crazy, or a victim of my own life. (everything this guy technically made me believe I was)… you all made me feel normal, and it brought me back to back when I was healthy and actually capable of thinking things thoroughIy without all the fog and heaviness I have been dealing with.I havent felt this normal in a very long time. Thanks for helping me realize that what I had endured is actually a lot, and that I have the right to feel what I feel. This guy destroyed me. I believed everything he told me. I never believed he would do anything like this because he was an educated person, he had a college degree and like I mentioned before, there were days where he would actually help me cope through the depression, and then other days where he would shame me for being depressed. he humiliated me. It was scary. I go through moments where I realize who he REALLY was, and I feel like I accept it. But then there are other days where I go back to self blame, ruminating about how maybe he was right. Anyways, thank you for hearing me. Thank you all too much. I feel like im in a dark tunnel and this support gave me a sight of light, of what I can achieve and eventually reach if I continue to accept things for what they are, and allow myself to heal. I will definitely see what kind of support/ counseling I can get myself into within my area. I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement. I will stay in touch, and next time I start feeling low and self doubt I will go back to this video to remind myself that I am worthy of love and happiness. Thank you again, I love you all!

3 Likes