Been feeling down today

I’m having a really hard time getting over my ex. It’s been almost 4 months now and I still have very vivid dreams about her coming back. I know it’s because deep down even though she hurt me I just wish she’d come home. She’s moved on already and dating someone I thought was a friend which hurts and makes me feel like they had something going on behind my back. I don’t know how to adjust to life without her. She was my best friend for 6 years we were engaged and she cheated on me. I broke up with her because I was so hurt but I’ve missed her every single day since she’s been gone. So many people tell me I deserve better or I just need to get over her but I can’t. I still love her. I can’t even go on dates or anything because I just think of her the whole time. I wish I could move on but it’s like a part of me is gone. I wish I didn’t still love her but I do. It makes me feel like she never cared because she had already moved on under 2 months after we broke up. It just eats me up and makes me so miserable. I feel like I will never find someone I love as much and that makes me laugh like she did and that I can be myself around. I feel like I made my person resent me. I was so terrible to her at times. We both had a lot of problems. I’ve changed and matured a lot the past few months doing therapy but it and the meds haven’t helped at all with me missing her. I don’t know what to do and it’s like this feeling never ends. I feel like I’m burdening people in my life because it’s taking so long to move on so I try to just keep it to myself but I just feel so lonely and sad. Everything brings back memories of her. I just wish I hadn’t broken up with her. I wish I had set my feelings aside and given her a chance instead of pushing her completely out of my life because she screwed up.

4 Likes

A breakup, especially after being together for several years is equal to or worse than experiencing the death of someone you care for. When my previous long term relationship ended, I was miserable for months. I didn’t even think about dating for a year.

As we experience breakups and learn from them while at the same time growing in wisdom, our ability to love increases as does our appreciation for the person who we are with. Therefore, even if it’s hard to imagine now, I suspect you will come to love someone else even more.

As you mentioned, there were problems in the relationship. Both of you probably worked through a lot of your own issues while working out others together.

Sometimes, people drift apart without being aware of it as it happens. That might be why she got with someone else so quickly. It might also be a rebound relationship.

It’s okay to keep loving her, as long as you can accept that she won’t be in your life. I still love the person I lost many years ago. It’s a different kind of love now. I still want to be happy, but I don’t need to have her around.

It does take time to move on after a breakup, but it does happen. It’s been four months now, and you still feel like crap. Are you still as out of sorts as you were four months ago? In the beginning, it feels like comparing feeling horrible with feeling slightly less horrible, but it might be worth looking back to where you were four months ago as compared to now. You’ve mentioned medications and therapy, and even if you are not feeling happier, maybe you’re feeling a bit more stable and your day to day activities are more manageable.

I suspect that the relationship would have ended before long anyway. In order to sustain a relationship, both partners need to feel fulfilled and secure.

Stick with the therapy and meds if they are helping. Stay in touch.

1 Like

That is so hard, I just want you to know I empathise deeply with your feelings. I’ve been in that situation where an ex moved on so quickly and it was devastating. It made me questions all their motives from the beginning. It’s been such a short period of time and we handle that grief in stages. Those stages aren’t linear.

I know that you have these feelings of regret for ending the relationship, but you also maybe have to consider whether the trust was broken and if it wouldn’t end up getting in the way of moving forward.

I think for me surrounding myself with really good friends was something that helped my heart heal. Some days were easier than others. Some days felt like I had finally moved on wholly and then like yourself, something would remind me of them and it felt like a step backwards. Seeing my friends in wholesome relationships also helped me realise what I want in life, but also made me realise I could afford to wait for that.

Taking time I was able to start to study and focus on a career I wanted. Maybe you have something in your life you have been passionate about that has been set aside or didn’t have time for?
Maybe just having some good friends around and being able to spend time with them could be something that helps you heal too.

3 Likes

Hi Johnny,
thank you for coming back and reaching out to us.
this is and it sounds really intense. when the heart is involved, it is always hard for everyone. some may move on
earlier, some will take longer. your mind repeats, what your heart can’t delete.
feelings are hard to get over, especially after a long time with someone. it is like with grief. it takes time, and we all
know that time is a bitch.
it was not your fault my friend, you are not alone in this. take care of yourself now and take the time for you.
try to focus on you. you matter most in that situation, and i feel sorry that you have to go through that.
cheating is the worst. when you really love somebody, you do not do that at all.
talking also helps, let out what is inside your mind. you are in therapy, that is really good to hear.
you will overcome that too i am sure about that, you are much more stronger then you think.
there will be someone who will care for you, as you care for that person. you deserve that.
you matter most and you are loved :face_in_clouds: :purple_heart: feel hugged

3 Likes

Hey Johnnydeez!

Separation from an important individual in your life, and trying to adjust to life with them gone. This is something that is very hard to go through.

I see that you are blaming yourself a lot, and second guessing yourself a lot. A break up, especially one involving someone unfaithful, is not YOUR fault, and YOUR fault only. Don’t forget how you ended the paragraph “she screwed up”.

You are thoughtful, and caring. It Shows in your post. Heart break is something I feel is a very individualized experience. That takes time to heal. You DESERVE to be treated better, then to be cheated on. Hope you start to feel better! - Thrice

2 Likes

@Johnnydeez

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with both the break up of the relationship and of the decision to end the relationship.

Its so difficult when we make life changing decisions to reflect back and wonder if we have done the right thing especially if it makes us feel bad in some way and of course when its the heart, logic will never come into it. Lets have a quick look at a little bit just for a second. Although you ended the relationship it was your ex that broke it the moment they cheated on you, it was a choice they made that damaged it, your choice was how you were going to live with that damage and like many people you decided that the trust was broken beyond repair and that is not a “bad” decision its one that was best for you and your mental health and as hard as this feels now, wondering every day if your partner is out cheating again is worse.

People tell you it will get better because it will and thats so annoying isnt it because you are probably sick of hearing it but friend please trust everyone who is telling you because its from experience. Maybe that person was not for you and maybe the person who is, is just around the corner. Look after yourself, be kinder to yourself and be patient. Good things happen to good people so you are going to be fine. Much Love Lisa. x

1 Like

Hi Johnnydeez, welcome back to heart support; thank you for sharing with us.

I’m so sorry that your relationship has ended, especially in a way that left you feeling hurt and betrayed.

The sudden end of a relationship can create feelings that are not unlike those experienced after a death. Mourning the version of your partner you thought you knew, the partner you made plans with or saw as an integral part of your future. You will need to come to terms with letting go of the dreams.

You say therapy hasn’t worked for you; have you considered grief counselling? This approach is more common for the end of relationships than you might imagine. A grief counsellor will be able to help you work through the five stages of grief. These are;

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

In the meantime, there are several approaches you can take to help with your grief. First, take your time; there is no time limit on grieving. Don’t avoid your feelings; acknowledge them. Finally, accept support from your family and friends; they can offer encouragement and may be able to give advice based on similar situations that they have experienced.

I wish you all the best for your future and remind you that HeartSupport is always here for you.

Thanks for the support guys I appreciate you reading and giving advice to help

1 Like