Hello. I was directed to this site from Twitch.
Im 35. Have been depressed since age 20. Been to the hospital for suicidal idealation 3 times and my last stay was last christmas.
My childhood wasn’t great. Dad was fairly abusive, but mom was an angel. We both decided to run away from dad at age 16. Up until that time, I mostly used school as my safe haven and got my attention needs from teachers, and was a teachers pet kind of kid. Home life was spent either doing schoolwork, or helping dad with construction projects. After running away, my grade plummeted and I barely graduated high school.
Went to college and followed a friend into a frat, and was immediately met with hazing and alcohol. I dropped out after 3 years and felt like an absolute failure. I spent most of my time hiding away and playing video games and sleeping during the daytime.
Spent the next 10 years working in a bowling alley. I enjoyed parts of it, but most of the time was spent outwardly pretending I was okay, and inwardly getting more and more depressed. There was no ladder to climb or foreseeable way to reliably support myself and I ended up spending a lot of time contemplating suicide.
Eventually attempted but was too scared of what would happen and the physical pain I would have to endure and chickened out at the very very last moments. I ended up in the hospitals, and then with therapists and psychiatrists, and a new doc.
I don’t feel like it helped much, but through it I did decide to go back to school, and with a bit of fast-forwarding, is where I am now. I got into a physical therapy program, and felt super grateful to have an opportunity to have an actual job that I could help people with and support myself.
Fast-forward a bit more to now, and I find myself right back in this same situation where I see myself starting to fail and its almost as if im self sabotaging my life and Im watching myself do it, but can’t stop myself.
The last time I was in school, whenever I’d try to do an essay, or an assignment or go to read something, I’d get overwhelmed and then play video games instead. As time got closer and closer to whatever deadline there was, I’d panic and hide even more until I felt so ashamed i dropped out.
I didn’t expect the same thing to happen again, since this time I genuinely am interested in the subject matter, I do want to learn it. These days though I have even more options for gaming or netflix, or youtube and I can’t seem to get myself to stay on task.
I have felt like this opportunity to go back to school was kind of my last ditch effort. My big hurrah to attempt to live a life and be stable. I have failed literally everything else I’ve done, but this is a real tangible opportunity and I can see it starting to slip away.
What the fuck is wrong with me? This is only a slice of it too. I don’t have friends any more. I’ve basically become a hermit other than my limited interactions with school and mom.
I think about if someday I will feel like everything was worth it and that even though it was massive struggle to get there, I was finally glad to have ever been alive. Currently, I am still not grateful for my life and still not enjoying it at all.
I feel like a broken record. A big massive complaining loser with no skills and sometimes lately with the stress of it all, I just find myself pacing in my apartment paralyzed with anxiety and unable to function. I just want to be done and not have to try anymore.