Ive been here in this spot before. I held out and things seemed a little better but only for a short time. I’m so tired of trying. I’m so tired of being here. I was supposed to start a partial hospitalization program but it was pushed to a later date. I don’t think anything is going to help me anymore. I want to die. I’m so tired of being back in this spot all the time. It never ever ends for good. I’ve suffered for decades and I shouldn’t have to anymore. If I went to the hospital they would babysit me for 72 hours and then I’d go back to this again. I’ve been through it all. Even if I wasn’t alone this would happen. It does continuously. I’m tired of holding on one more time and then later one more time. My mental pain is excruciating and I want it gone. Permanently. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m tired of suffering because of my own brain. I want out. Now.
I’m sorry that you have suffered so much. You have suffered for decades, yet I hope you experienced some precious moments as well. You are correct, when it comes to many kinds of mental health problems, they “never ever ends for good.” Such symptoms need ongoing management, not unlike chronic physical problems, such as diabetes. Someone close to me has been bipolar for about 40 years. She’s had hundreds of medication changes and adjustments over the years. That’s what was required for her to have a decent quality of life. She became good at knowing when it was time to go to the doctor and have her treatment adjusted.
So, through an ongoing effort, her life has been mostly okay.
How much of your mental pain is based on fear and discouragement related to reoccurring mental health problems? How often is the fear and discouragement the actual cause of the mental health problems? In other words, fear of what’s happening may be the actual cause of what’s happening.
Before you think about doing something drastic and irreversible, consider other ways of being “out.” You can be “out,” in the form of distancing yourself from negative and troubling thoughts.
That probably seems easier said than done, but it is possible. Changing daily routines can be instrumental in changing repeating patterns of thought. Ask yourself questions like “can I see the situation from another perspective?” Sometimes it’s worth asking, “in this moment, is anything bad happening, or can I simply enjoy it?”
Go ahead and be babysat for 72 hours, but insist on therapeutic follow-up after discharge.
Take time to notice the more pleasant things in life, like a pretty sky, a favorite song, the scent of autumn, and things you can laugh about.
Please check back in and let us know how you’re doing. We care.
First of all, thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to carry this with you for so long! Going through a cycle of hospitalization, release, then relapsing into the same symptoms must be very frustrating, and I’m hoping we can help you in a way that can bring some ease and relief to you.
I do think it is good to be babysat for a few days, to get some relief of those few days. But when you come back, please look at the things you can change to bring some needed distraction to your days. New hobbies, changing/painting/redecorating the house/apartment, walking a new route to see new faces. Give yourself tiny new moments, and hope they can help you escape from falling back into the routine you were in
Hi KatieK
Thank you so much for your post. I am so very sorry you are suffering so much. Its exhausting dealing with years of mental health issues that that never seem to disappear for very long, I think you are so incredibly strong.
I am also disappointed for you that your appointment at the hospital was delayed as I think right now some mental rest would be a wonderful thing for you even if it was only for 72 hours.
Katie, you are not alone, you now have an entire community of people that want nothing but the best for you, that want you to feel better, valued, loved and supported on your good days and your worst days. Please stick around with us and as tired as you feel, spend some time with us on Discord or Twitch so that you know you are not alone.
Much Love
Lisa 
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