Been really sad

for the past couple weeks, I’ve been feeling really sad. I can’t figure out if it’s because of this whole quarantine and being home is hard and I’m just having a tough time dealing with it or if it’s something deeper. A lot has been going on in my life that I’m frustrated with and I think that plays a big factor in why I’m feeling this way, it’s just a lot to deal with.
I don’t think I ever fully processed my grandma’s death, and I still don’t know how to. I get angry when I think about how I should’ve spent more time with her, how I should’ve talked to her more and made more of an effort to have a relationship with her. The funeral didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel real to pack up her things and pick out things of hers to keep, I just kind of shut my emotions off and didn’t give myself time to grieve or work think about anything that happened. I feel like I disappointed her
I’ve also had a really hard time dealing with religion. I don’t feel connected to God in any way, and don’t have any motivation to pray or talk to him. I grew up around a very religious family was taught that believing in God was what you did, there was no other choice and it didn’t matter what you thought, you just prayed and kept going to church. I feel like that’s not enough for me, if that makes sense, I want to explore what I believe in and figure out what my relationship with God is, but I’m just really confused.
I can’t talk about any of this with my parents, especially my mom. Being home and being quarantined with her has been really hard. If I show any emotion at all when she’s yelling at me, she gets offended and even more upset and storms off. She takes her anger out on me, and causes me to have panic attacks when she screams at me and ignores my feelings. She just makes me feel like I don’t belong and I don’t matter. She makes me feel like I should be sorry for being the way that I am and that I’m just annoying and useless. I also put up with her yelling and hurtful words so she doesn’t take it out on my brother, it doesn’t matter how much I’m mad at her or what she’s saying, if it means she doesn’t say it to my brother and I’m the punching bag, I take all the heat. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not but I don’t want him to go through what I go through. I don’t want him to tense up whenever our mom is coming up the stairs or get yelled at for nothing. I think I’d rather have her yell at me and tear me down because I’m used to it


Kaley, my sweet friend. I’m so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I love you so much. I’m really sorry about your Grandma.

Hey, you did NOT disappoint her love. At all. Don’t beat yourself up like that. It is absolutely not necessary. There is enough for you to process and work through without you beating yourself down. You know? <3

I’m really sorry about the situation with your mom as well. Man that sucks so much.

I know I don’t have all the answers here, but I love you friend. Very much. I care about you. I remember when I was at home. I went through a lot of these same issues with my mom. I had a little sister who I absorbed a lot of the heat from. I am glad that she didn’t receive the same abuse I did, but she still had to watch and listen. That’s really hard.

Know that we as a community are here for you. We care about you. Always.

Thinking of you sweet friend


Hi Kaley, thank you for sharing. Love you friend.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling with so much being at home now, and with some of the things that are on your mind. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel like you’ve been able to process your grandmother’s passing, that is something only you can determine for yourself. Some truth I do want to speak into your life however, is that your grandmother would not be disappointed in you. It’s completely natural to feel disconnected from losing a loved one, we humans have no actual concept of death and when someone we love passes it is completely normal for that experience to feel surreal. I think the best thing you can do is to keep the good memories of your grandmother alive. I think journaling or writing a letter to your grandmother can be very healing for you, recalling some of your fondest memories of her and letting her know how much you love her.

I wish I could offer some insight as to religion right now. I just hope that you are able to find whatever it is you are looking for in this regard. It certainly is more meaningful when you come to something yourself, for your own reasons and following your own heart to it rather than simply doing it because it’s “what we always did growing up.” I’ve had my struggles with religion, on and off throughout my (almost) 30 years on Earth, I tried going back to church, tried praying more, and for a period I did feel like I was being called to. Then I’ve found myself back in a place where I don’t necessarily have that in my heart anymore. My point is, I just want you to find whatever is in your heart. Religion may not fit into your life now, maybe it does. Maybe it will later. None of your struggles with your faith make you any less of a person because of it.

Like Kitty said, the situation with your mom sucks. I’m sorry that’s your living situation right now, but it won’t be forever. It sucks that you feel like you have to take the heat too, you don’t deserve that. But you’re a good sister looking out for your brother.

Hang in there, we love you friend.

Hold fast.


Hey @nicole_kaley,

I appreciate you. Thank you so much for sharing. :hrtlegolove:

I remember what you shared about your grandma, and I’m so sorry for your loss… There’s a lot going on right now and it’s been hard to collect ourselves these days, to regain the peace that we need, especially when your heart is grieving someone you love.

Being in a process of grief myself, even if it’s been objectively for a long time now, I can assure you that what you described it totally okay. There’s no shame or guilt to feel how you feel. This angriness, this feeling that the funeral wasn’t real, that you didn’t give yourself the time to process yet. It’s totally natural to feel how you feel. And our dear friends here said it well. As human beings, it’s hard to wrap our head around the loss of someone who was dear to our heart. Hard to understand, to process. So it’s okay to take all the time you need, without any judgment. Grief comes in waves, with a lot of different emotions intertwined. You’re in the middle of those waves. But with time, you’ll be able to regain some control on how you feel. This pain that you’re carrying will be slowly replaced by the good memories that you have of your grandma, also the gratitude to cherish her in your heart.

When I lost my grandma, a few years ago, I wasn’t able to go at the funeral. It was too much for me and it was a hard decision. A couple of years after, I lost my brother and, during the funeral, I was so devasted that I couldn’t read the text I wrote to him. A cousin had to do it for me. I blamed myself for that. And for so many other things that I wished to be different. The list is very long. I’m not used to share these details, as I still feel guilty for it. But based on that, I can assure you that there’s objectively no need to blame yourself for processing at your own pace. You don’t need to carry this guilt on your shoulders. We just deal with this reality as we can. <3

Obviously I didn’t know your grandma, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be disappointed at all. She would certainly be very understanding in regards of how you feel right now. You just do as you can, and it’s enough. You know, blaming ourselves for that kind of thing doesn’t bring anything good. It only adds more pain to our heart. And right now your heart only needs a huge amount of love and compassion for yourself. It’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s okay to be a little lost in the middle of all of this. And I can only echo Adam here with the idea of journaling. It does help. Whether it’s to express how you feel or write about the memories you have of your grandma. How she was, her personality, the good moments you spent with her. Sometimes, I also found myself speaking out loud to my beloved ones, just to expressed some things that had to be said. If it’s something that could make sense to you, maybe it could help as well. :hrtlegolove:

What you also mentioned about God makes totally sense. You’ve been told to believe and pray him in a certain way since you were young. It’s normal to question that now and to be willing to explore different aspects of your relationship with God. I can’t be of a great help here, as I’m struggling and questioning my own faith, been through ups and downs as well with a lot of questions, doubts and confusion through the years. Though, for what it’s worth, I’ve been starting to accept that as being part of my own spiritual journey. I think it’s okay to have questions and doubts. And what you just shared sounds very positive. Because it seems that you’re willing to find a connection with God that would be more meaningful to you.

I don’t know if you already explored the HS books that are an invitation to work on our faith/spirituality. Maybe it could be a good start to you? There’s Mountains and The Embrace. I’ve personally looked at both of them, but started to really dive into The Embrace, as it fits more with how I feel right now in regards of my own faith. There are very interesting insights and questions there to help you identify how you perceive God and how you would define your connection with him. You can have a more precise idea of them in the Workbooks category here on the SW :

Hope this could help.

I’m so sorry to hear about how things are going on with your mom. As a kid, at home, I was the one who witnessed my mom being repeatedly abusive towards my sister. Things changed as I grew up, but the most difficult memories to me were the one when I wasn’t directly targeted. And I know that, for my sister, her worst memory was to see me being in distress because of the situation. And… that’s normal. It’s all about love here. We want the best for our siblings, to protect them from any harm. How you feel shows your empathy, your kindness, you giant heart. Know that you’re not useless or annoying. You’re a beautiful human being. And what shouldn’t be, here, are only the hurtful words that your mom said to you. It’s the only thing that is wrong here. I hope you can find ways to have your own private space, physically, but also moments during the day to just breathe and be away from that, mentally. If you need to talk about it, we’re all here for you. Anytime.

Sending tons of love to you. :hrtlegolove: