Been thinking about suicide lately (trigger warning)

It’s really just involuntary, it just happens and I just either

A. Curl into a ball and cry

B. Imagine very gruesome ways to die

C. Consider if I should go ahead with it.

It’s always been a huge struggle for me, I can’t stop these thoughts and they always come out of nowhere. Even when I’m having a fun time those thoughts creep into my head and it’s always that crave for death. Just, the never ending song…

Some days I cut my arms. Other days I dont have the urge or even think about it.

Some days a knife is pressed to my neck by my own hand, other days I’m too tired to do it.
It’s just a never ending cycle. I have been making constant jokes about it too, my mental
Health is now just blindly laughing in pain and thinking of ways to hurt myself. I guess I’m just hitting a huge low…

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Hey friend @Sky-Trev. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is. Have you ever tried to talk to a professional about this? I don’t know your situation so it’s hard for me to give advice about this but if that’s something you can do I highly, highly, recommend that. Always remember that these thoughts are just passing and they won’t last forever. There’s always a way to get through these things, even if it’s not obvious. I really hope that you can reach out to someone, like a professional, or even a friend you really trust so that you can find a way to move forward and away from this. Hold fast, you mean the absolute world to me. :hrtlegolove:

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I have a therapist but I have huge trusts issues with them, it’s been ruined by my youth minister who didn’t accept me when I came out

I definitely recommend finding a new therapist, and I know that can be hard to do but it’s probably even harder to have a therapist that’s hard to trust. I’m sorry that your youth minster didn’t accept you, that’s awful.

I might give her a chance but all my trust has been warped, I don’t really trust many people nowadays

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I know it’s hard, but it gets easier. Trust is something you definitely have to learn, and it’s for sure not easy but I believe in you and I 100% know you can do it. Just remember that most people always have good intentions despite what past experiences might have made you believe and a lot of people genuinely want to help and want to see you excell in everything you do.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this right now. I’d encourage you if you are sitting on the edge and in a situation of contemplating taking your life to reach out for help immediately. Your safety is the most important thing.
I’ve definitely been there where you are/still so from time to time.
Is there something that makes you feel like you deserve that kind of pain or harm right now?
I really wish it were as easy as just taking away that hurt in your heart for you. I just want you to know that you hold infinite value and your life truely matters. You deserve your place on this earth and deserve all the love that can be given

Take your time. There’s no rush, okay? What matters is to give yourself the possibility to try. You know, it’s like learning to walk on a new land. We don’t know it, so first we need to look at it, to get more familiar with our environment, to create new habits, and slowly to be more ourselves without the fear to exist as we are. Trust takes time to be given - and acquired -, that’s okay. Keep giving others a chance because that’s what matters the most. If you need to do it on your own terms and set your rules, that’s fine. The people who will be deserving of your trust will adapt themselves to you. :hrtlegolove:

In times when you feel okay, I’d also encourage you to think about a safety plan in case those suicide thoughts get really dark and/or out of control. Just to make sure you stay safe, that you receive the support and resources you need at the moment. Because you’re not alone, friend.

I’m proud of you for being honest about those thoughts. This is a very, very powerful step in order to empower yourself and not let them drown you. Even if they happen often, even if they feel intense, never forget that those thoughts are only thoughts and they don’t hold any power over you. It might be actually a way to keep your mind at peace in times of acute pain, but you’ll learn to replace that with something healthier, at your own pace. I believe in you.

I’d also like to highly recommend you to check on the workbook about self-harm named ReWrite (Book - Support Wall Category). I’ve read it myself with a friend, and it’s very valuable resource.

I’m sending hugs your way. Hope you are feeling okay today. :hrtlegolove:

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