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Been Thinking Quite A Bit

:warning: TW: SELF HARM :warning:

I’ve been really thinking about relapsing in self harm again. It just seems like a good idea. But I’m not thinking about doing it now. I’m thinking about doing it when my parents can’t do anything about it. When they can’t tell me I’m seeking attention, that I’m not genuine, etc. I’m thinking about relapsing in college. I just want to let these emotions that I’m too scared to share out. I want to get them out, but I’m scared to and so I’m thinking about reverting back to the one thing I know to do that will help release some of the pent up thoughts and emotions. The emotional pain will turn into slight physical pain and that goes away rather quickly. Emotional pain like this doesn’t go away fully. Sure, I may be numb to the biggest aspect of it, but there’s still an ache there. It’s exhausting to have and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.

I’m really sorry if I’m being annoying or bothersome or anything like that. I just know that if I don’t get it out there, if I do relapse, it’ll be sooner than I think. I don’t mean to scare you guys and I’m sorry if I do. I just don’t want to be set into doing something that I’ll regret, or that might lead to something much worse. I know it’s bad to do, but I can’t help to think that it’s my only option at this point in time. And I know what y’all will say. You’ll say things like “it’s not worth it.” “please don’t” “just stay strong” etc. While I appreciate those things said, and I’m not saying that you can’t say them because you can, but it does get a bit tiring when I hear the same things said over and over ya know? Like…I know those things. Trust me I do. I know that it’s a very severe solution to a not so important problem. I get that. But always getting told the same things makes the words feel like they have less meaning if that makes sense. I don’t mean to undermine what y’all say. I appreciate all words that are said fully. But they do get a bit over said.

Honestly…I feel really stupid for even saying all of this. Especially the repetition part of it. I don’t want to make you guys feel like you can’t say anything. Trust me I don’t. I’m sorry if it came off that way.

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Hi @FaeTheProud
Thank you for writing here, I am glad you did and you are not annoying or bothersome in anyway, I am truly grateful that you chose to share your feelings rather than bottle them up any longer.
I think when you have done things a certain way in the past to deal with pain albeit good or bad we tend to revert back to these old ways because having to look for other ones is hard when your mentally exhausted.
I really am sorry that you have been told that you are “attention seeking” that is not right and your feelings are completey valid.
I am not going to tell you all those things you don’t want to hear although they are of course true but I think it is important that you do hear them often from somone because we all need that! especially those of us who struggle with our self esteem.
Do you have have a Dr you can talk to? or someone at the college you attend? is there a college councellor? anything other than reverting back to old habits?
I want only good things for you, I know I dont know you but I do know that I do not want you to hurt or be hurt so maybe we can think of other options that don’t involve damage to yourself.
Much Love
Lisa

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hi @FaeTheProud ,

i appreciate your transparency with what you’re facing. i’m very thankful that heartsupport is here for you to vent out the thoughts and emotions you are feeling and are able to receive the support you need. @Lisaw1973 is spot-on in how your emotions are valid and suggesting for you to seek out a professional to talk through this with, especially as you begin a new chapter in college. they won’t bog you down with tiring sayings but instead, they’ll provide a space for you to speak freely, discuss game plans, and make you think through things you would have never thought about alone.

it takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable so thank you for being real with all of us on what you’re feeling and what you need. i believe in you to take the next steps you feel comfortable with and to always know that we’re here for you.

love,
twix

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From: theladywho (Discord)

Hi FaeTheProud, I appreciate where you are coming from, especially if you feel like some responses are “canned” or overly used. I’ll be real with you and give you the advice I would give my sibling: If you are already planning for college or getting away from parents to harm, why not plan for new beginnings instead. It would be a really really good idea to set up with a therapist with your school(or on the side) who can help you make an actionable plan for how to get through these feelings. Also therapy can help with guiding you to transition into independent adulthood away from family. Harming does not fix the underlying problem and that is what you are probably needing more than vague platitudes. I respect you for putting yourself out there and I don’t think it is annoying at all. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but I do hope my words do help you in some way. My sister was harming and I never found out till later, so these words come from my heart thinking of how I could have helped her if I had known. Take care <3

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I used to feel all those things, still do sometimes. I have lots of scars up and down my arm and a 3 inch scar on my wrist to remind me.

I used to make sure my arm was bleeding before I’d go in to see my shrink.

I needed someone to see me.

The first time I went too deep I spent 17 days in the mental ward of the hospital. I left not really caring and tried it two more times.

The last time I cut too deep and was in the hospital I met a girl there who had used a cork screw on both her wrists and she had to have major surgery. She was in agony and so much pain.

This effected me big time.

When I got home, I noticed my son had thrown away the tool I used.

I think about cutting a lot and sometimes I want to give in and just do it. Then, I think back to that day when my son asked me to live and I don’t do it.

There are a lot of ways other than cutting yourself to heal your pain. I hope that you find it because you’re worth it.

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