TW: SELF HARM
I’ve been really thinking about relapsing in self harm again. It just seems like a good idea. But I’m not thinking about doing it now. I’m thinking about doing it when my parents can’t do anything about it. When they can’t tell me I’m seeking attention, that I’m not genuine, etc. I’m thinking about relapsing in college. I just want to let these emotions that I’m too scared to share out. I want to get them out, but I’m scared to and so I’m thinking about reverting back to the one thing I know to do that will help release some of the pent up thoughts and emotions. The emotional pain will turn into slight physical pain and that goes away rather quickly. Emotional pain like this doesn’t go away fully. Sure, I may be numb to the biggest aspect of it, but there’s still an ache there. It’s exhausting to have and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I’m really sorry if I’m being annoying or bothersome or anything like that. I just know that if I don’t get it out there, if I do relapse, it’ll be sooner than I think. I don’t mean to scare you guys and I’m sorry if I do. I just don’t want to be set into doing something that I’ll regret, or that might lead to something much worse. I know it’s bad to do, but I can’t help to think that it’s my only option at this point in time. And I know what y’all will say. You’ll say things like “it’s not worth it.” “please don’t” “just stay strong” etc. While I appreciate those things said, and I’m not saying that you can’t say them because you can, but it does get a bit tiring when I hear the same things said over and over ya know? Like…I know those things. Trust me I do. I know that it’s a very severe solution to a not so important problem. I get that. But always getting told the same things makes the words feel like they have less meaning if that makes sense. I don’t mean to undermine what y’all say. I appreciate all words that are said fully. But they do get a bit over said.
Honestly…I feel really stupid for even saying all of this. Especially the repetition part of it. I don’t want to make you guys feel like you can’t say anything. Trust me I don’t. I’m sorry if it came off that way.