Been Thinking.. TW

So I’ve been in therapy again for a while now and I like my therapist/psychologist but I can’t really say to them what my exact thoughts are for a few reasons. I have told them I think about suicide all of the time but I’m evasive with exact responses to further questions for again, a few reasons.

I’ve always been very impulsive concerning suicide attempts. However, this time I’ve been thinking more about the future and not wanting to fail at it again. I’ve researched quite a bit about methods and what I would choose. I have an idea of things but I don’t know of timing right now. I’m sort of biding time so things are done right. Of course more than anything I want things to change, get better but I’m getting older, things are not improved and my future is definitely not going to happen as I want/need. I’m separated from my husband and we can’t be together. One of us might as well have died. It’s completely out of our hands. We’ve spent thousands of dollars fighting to be together but were denied.

I’m tired of waking every day to this same life. My life is dedicated to loved ones. Yet, my existence is controlled by everyone else wanting me alive. I’m sick, mentally and physically and I’m tired. This time I just feel different. The option of completing suicide feels less desperate and more of a must. There is a way, surefire way to not fail this time and I’m considering it. I’m afraid a little but more afraid of not doing it. I guess I didn’t want to keep my secret to myself and that’s why I’m sharing my thoughts. I don’t know what I’m expecting or looking for in posting this. I haven’t attempted suicide in several years but it’s rarely ever left my mind. I can distract all day but when I sit, when I lie in bed, when I’m alone and it’s night- it all comes back. Maybe I don’t really want to do it but I feel like I have to and it’s the only option for me. It would take a miracle of epic proportions for things in my life to change for the better. I’m not a young person anymore. I’m not old yet either. Anyway, thanks for reading this. -Katie


There is always an option. I would encourage you to find a way to keep your life going. You can do so much with your life. I know how hard it is to get out of feeling that way but it is possible. Sometimes its hard to open up with therapy because you just don’t have that relationship or level of trust yet. I believe it would help to keep that up. Let me know if i can help in any way


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