Ok. I’m new here, but I will try this and see if it helps.
I don’t really know where to start.
I have been struggling with several different issues since I was 13. I hurt myself a lot back then and I have lots of scars, but I haven’t hurt myself in a while now so I think that’s good.
It’s hard to see those scars everyday, but I have to life with them.
I also think I have some kind of social anxiety, because I am very nervous and afraid every time I have to talk to someone. I also think I might have depression, because I feel empty when I’m not afraid and I am easily exhausted and tired.
I have been to a therapist a few times for my social anxiety but he couldn’t help me and said I needed to take antidepressants. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t help me and I still don’t understand. Does that mean I am not sick enough? Do i even have a mental illness? I still am afraid. Now I am afraid to reach out, too, because I think noone can or will help me.
In 6 months I will graduate from school and I have to start working or studying. I am very afraid of the future because I think there is no job for me. There’s nothing I am good at.
I often think about reaching out in school, because there are two teachers I could trust, I think, but because of my anxiety I am very afraid to talk to them. I don’t know how to overcome that anxiety. And I don’t know if they could do anything for me.
My family does not know about my struggles. I have been hiding it since the beginning.
I feel stuck and helpless at the moment.
I also drink too much and I know that’s bad, but it helps me feeling better.
I think I need someone to talk to, but I can’t find the courage to open up to my teachers. I am very afraid of their reaction and that it might change how they see me.
I am also very afraid of judgement, so that’s another problem.
I am thinking about wearing shorter sleeves in school and how that would start a conversation but doing that would require courage I don’t have.
I don’t really know what I expect of writing this, but maybe someone has an advice for me.
I apologise, if my english is hard to understand.
I hope everyone has a nice evening.