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Being asexual in a marriage


#1

Hi guys. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and we’ve been together for 10. I used to think something was wrong with me when I was a teenager cuz I couldn’t care less about all the sexual stuff boyfriends always wanted to do. I still did it because I was finding myself and liked it sometimes. As I got older, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, which brings down libido. Then I got on antidepressants in my 20’s after an abandonment issue with my mom. My husband has been drifting away lately and it’s breaking every ounce of my heart. We had a ‘tell each other everything’ blow up a few nights ago, and he mentioned that it’s been 5 years since we’ve really had any sex. This is exactly what my exhusband did too, kept track of how long it’s been. That makes it so much worse for me. I don’t even think about sexual stuff, let alone want to do it. I want to be able to make my husband happy, but the way I look at it, me doing sexual stuff with him (or anyone for that matter) is the same as making someone who is not gay have sex with someone of their same gender. It’s not something that wants to be done. I know it breaks his heart, but I wonder if our sex life was “normal” if he would be fine in the marriage or if the same things he doesn’t like about me now would still bother him and I’d still be in the same boat. (He mentioned during our convo that we’re like roommates, and that blindsided me because I didn’t think we were THAT detached at this point. I can’t get the word ‘roommates’ out of my head.) There are more issues that are less significant as far as I can tell, but I can’t help but think that being Ace is completely ruining my life. (My husband knew before we got together that I just didn’t want to have anything with my exhusband, but I only came out as Ace to him during our blowout the other night) When the relationship was new, we had no problems with the physical stuff, so I think that’s really where the confusion comes from on his end. I could honestly go the rest of my life without ever having any kind of sexual contact ever again.


#2

I have an idea that may or may not work for you as a couple. It really depends on both of your comfort levels.
How would you feel about having an “open relationship”?
Sex isn’t really your thing, but clearly he’s missing it. Would it be ok with both of you if you stayed married but he had someone else that he had sex with?
You don’t actually need to tell me the answer to these questions, they are for you not for me.
(please don’t feel like you need to share anything that is uncomfortable)


#3

Yes I’ve thought of that but don’t know how I feel about it yet. (Or how he would feel about it) he really is more of a love maker than a wham bam kinda guy, and I think he might get too attached to a girl he’d have sex with, but I’m not totally sure. I think I may bring it up down the line if we get our other issues figured out and that stays a problem


#4

Hey there!
I would suggest to try and sit down and have a calm talk with him about it. One where you both make sure it doesn’t get heated, hear both sides of the topic, and try to work through it. It honestly might be a shock to him and he is unsure how to work through those emotions. If you have trouble communicating about it then I would suggest a marriage counselor just to help navigate the conversation. Sex can be a very important part to people in marriages so it isn’t a light topic to discuss. But, you need to be as open and honest about how the physical contact makes you feel because you both need to be comfortable with any decision that’s made. I hope this is helpful!

-Maddie


#5

Thank you for sharing and letting us in on your story. I would highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in both sexuality and relationships and then going together to find out what your needs are, where the comfort zones are and establish boundaries. You shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of solving what is a major issue to you and your husband alone!

Here if you need to talk - Momma


#6

Oh man. That’s really hard. I can understand both sides. I can understand your feelings as an ACE but can also understand the need for intimacy in a marriage as intimacy is really important. Which is why communication is so important. Always. Especially on something so big.
I guess the main thing I can advice is just talk to each other. About what you need and want. Be open to each other’s feelings. Do it in a time where your both calm and not upset. And see what kind of things you guys can work out.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this right now. I can only imagine the challenge it must put you in.

I really hope things work out and you guys can talk.

So much love to you

  • Kitty

#7

Thank you guys for all the responses. I don’t have anyone to talk to about being Ace at all because I’ve only admitted it to 3 people my whole life, and all 3 of those people found out this week. I’ve thought I was ace since I was about 14, and I’m almost 33. I found out about this forum this week and it could t have been at a better time. Thank you again :disappointed::heart:️:heart:️:slightly_smiling_face:


#8

I am not a sexual person myself. I only had sex with one woman and that was it. Sex scares me for many reasons. That is why I know I will never be with a woman again because women intimacy as men do. I don’t want to disappoint anyone that is why I will not be in a relationship or date ever again. I feel for you and I hope you can be happy and your husband find some middle ground.