Being bothered by an incident

[Xavier1]

Hey everyone,

It has been a while since an incident I had with a really good friend of mine who has DID (dissociative identity disorder) or multiple personality disorder, in short(because I told the story before in a post called “something I wanted to write about”), what happened was that I met one of the personalities, the convo was interesting in the beginning. I suggested telling their healthcare professional. They said professionals are bad due to(in their eyes)doctors only seeing them as schizophrenics. Argument ensues. The personality in question says the conversation is over along with two paragraphs that essentially to sum it up mean that I’m trying to make the integration or healing process look simple(which I wasn’t trying to do), I offered an olive branch and tried to apologize, but to tell you the truth I don’t know if it was my fault or not, the personality I’ve known as my friend came back and said that we seemed that we argued, and I said sorry, and they said it was okay, but after that every time they would come back and ask normal questions like saying hi and what not, but the moment I would answer, they would disappear, then they come back, but wayy later. So that’s a rough summarization of the story. I tried forgetting about what happened, but it unfortunately just stayed in the back of my mind you know, and I tried computing solutions for this complex equation so to speak, but I really didn’t find a significant one you know, so it bothers me a bit, I wish I could get my friend back, and I’m afraid I might lose them, and I don’t know if it’s my fault you know. Their friendship really meant a lot to me, because I felt like I could be the real me, don’t get me wrong I am still real and authentic with ppl, but I feel they are like that friend that you talk to after work that isn’t in the same line of work as you so to speak, a person who brings the best and realism out of you as a person.any advice to win them back or be able to talk to them?is there any way I cannot support them too?and how do I cope with failure that I believe I can’t reverse?(just in case)

[Ashwell]

Hi Xavier1
I hope you are doing well. I dont know much about DID but i dont think many people who are not profesionals have enough knowledge to give you the advice you need. If i were you i would ask a professional. I think you mentioned you also suffered from DID so maybe contact some of the people who helped you. They might offer some useful advice. Thank you for keeping us updated on your story. Good luck to you.
-Ashwell

[Xavier1]

Thanks for the response ash,let me start by saying that I dont have DID fortunately,but I do have xp with a person who had it and fully recovered from it, what sucks about this is the fact that I straight up have zero access to mental health professionals, so that makes the situation even worse, where I can’t get help for myself and help my friends. Maybe the thing that bothers me the most is that I think I might’ve lost them and the thought of never talking to them again bothers me you know,the fact that I can’t reverse that failure(if it is,I still have some hope)is in the back of my head.

[Micro]

Hey @Xavier1,

First off, as you know, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I think it’s a deep mark of strength and humility to share about a past disagreement with someone we love and looking for ways to improve the situation, or at least to heal from it.

DID or not, it sounds to me that this situation could be applied to many friendships, as arguments can happen from time to time. You’ve had a different perspective about what could help your friend in order to heal progressively. It becomes a little more complex when one of their alt understand your view and acknowledge your apologies while another seems upset because of what happened and need to take some distance, as it could convey some contradictory messages to you. I’m sorry that happened though, especially since you also felt like you could be 100% yourself with this person. I understand how hard it is when it feels like something is broken and there doesn’t seem any way to “fix” it somehow.

As a matter of communication, it could be hard to connect with each other depending on each of their alter is fronting at the moment. It’s also possible that this interaction would have created some disagreements between their personalities, so they might need time to figure this out on their own too. All in all, and unfortunately, in that kind of situation the best thing to do is to let the door open for them to reach out to you again, but not to force anything. If you can just let them know: I care about you and I’m here to support you if you need, then it could be seen both as a mark of deep respect and care. Ultimately though, the decision to talk again to you or not will be their own, and that is not something you could interfere with. There are times, in any friendship, when we need to be a little more on our own, especially after an argument. Times of self-reflection can be necessary, even though I understand how hard it is to not intervene when you really care about someone and want to be there for them.

As for coping with the feeling of failure, I imagine it mostly relies on learning to forgive yourself too for what happened. Your friend told you it was okay, even if there might be some contradictions between their different personalities, there is still a part of them that understands you, your heart and what was your intention at the moment. This other personality who’s upset might need more time to see the situation in a more calm and collected way. All in all, you are deserving of forgiveness, just because this kind of disagreement can absolutely happen to anyone. I’ve upset friends sometimes because I’ve said things they weren’t ready yet to hear, and I’m often very concerned about the fact that trust can be broken very quickly when we feel vulnerable. But still there is a need to give yourself some grace there. You were trying to help. Maybe not the right way, or maybe there was some miscommunication there as well. though ultimately you were showing that you care too.

I hope your friend will learn to see it progressively, and I hope you will both manage to communicate in the future in a way that would be healing for everyone. In any case, please take care of yourself too. A way to cope with a feeling of failure is to take the time to acknowledge what happened, to process it, and to learn from it, so the same situation could be prevented in the future.

Take care, Xavier.

[Xavier1]

Thanks for the response, micro. I have an update on what happened, my friend talked to me and basically explained the whole situation in terms of their DID, it was good that my friend doesn’t hate me, and wasn’t mad at me. But they did mention that I almost caused one of the personalities to almost relapse(the one I talked with)which they prevented from happening and when I read that. The best way I can describe what I felt is to imagine if my brain cells were operators in a NASA command and control center during a failed missile launch, where everyone sees the whole operation failing in front of their own eyes while putting their hands above their heads. And it made me facepalm big time.after she told me about the whole situation,I apologized and I said and I quote

I apologize for any damage I have caused,it wasnt appropriate,and what I did was wrong.I let my emotion take control of me for once,and I made a massive mistake,one that I am not sure nor know if I will be forgiven for,I apologize to X and to all the system for what I did.It is not of my character to let myself loose like that,yes emotion takes over,but isnt an excuse.I apologize for what I did.

My friend said it was okay and that mistakes happen and it may take time to know how things work.and what sucked as well,is that my ego got a bit hurt you know,I know it sounds silly,but it did you know,where I felt like a total dumbass where I did help someone to literally recover from it and be a normal person(of course pros were involved)so thats another thing that bothered me.and after they said it was okay I apologized again and I said

to be honest,I dont know if I can ever rebuild or make up for what I did,because even if an apology has been accepted,sometimes there might be some hidden resentment,thus never being truly forgiven,and I know that feeling,it fucking sucks,everytime you see a person who you had a situation similar to what I described,its like this vault of irreversible mistakes reminding you of your failure you know,and it sucks,it genuinely does.

and after that, they mentioned that its okay and to give that personality time,and that yes there will be resentment,and as long as they’re cool and fine with it,things should be good.

other than that,things went well,Im really happy to say that my friend doesnt hate me and didnt cut me off,which Im really glad that things went well.after that I saw your response and followed with your advice,telling them that Im here to talk if they want help and that I want to do my best to help and support them.

again,thanks for responding.for real,it means a lot.