Being depressed for years and then suddenly having

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Belongs to: Therapist want to be Happy. By NF
Being depressed for years and then suddenly having a surprisingly good day scares me. I’m already used to a depressed and lonely life. Didn’t even remember when the lights in my room lit, I prefer it dark and just sulk in my bed.

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There is no doubt that you’ve had your real share of dark days and nights when you had to force yourself to push through. Loneliness and depression altogether can make you feel like your own soul is being taken away from you. It’s hard to see the point of it all when you’re deep in the trenches like this. Through all of that you’ve been experiencing, thank you, really, for choosing to reach out here today and share these parts of your story. It may not feel like something huge or important in itself, but sometimes it’s steps like these that help break the layers of isolation that our struggles bring with them.

How you describe the fear of having a surprisingly good day is so very relatable to me personally. Having a long-term background of depression combined with other diagnosis, I’m so used to live in this average state emotionally speaking that feeling joy actually feels suspicious. It’s scary when it catches you by surprise! Even if you know rationally that it’s okay, it’s just unsual, not normal - at least not the normality your brain and body have been used to experience. And somehow, it almost make it an unsafe state. Feeling okay feels risky and potentially hurtful - when you finally reach a state of healing, that’s where you might feel like having the most to lose as well. It’s so conflicting to feel all of this, even though it absolutely makes sense. It’s frustrating sometimes to see how much the “good” becomes “bad”, and vice versa.

Just like the way you describe how you prefer the dark instead of the lights, and staying somehow in your own solitude. At least, this dark room is familiar. It feels safe somehow. It is a place and state of mind where you know what you can expect, and where you have nothing else to lose either. It’s an effective way to keep control - a place where unpredictability and unfamiliarity don’t have any space to exist. The more you lock the door and stay in the dark, the more it feels like staying in the comfort zone that you’ve known for so long. But then it’s hard to know rationally that it might not be the solution in the long term. That somehow it keeps preventing you from living a life you aspire to have, to fulfill dreams you may have had in the past. Yet again, dreaming is scary, becoming someone you’re not used to know deep inside is scary. At some point, it feels like the depression is your second skin and entire story. To me, healing sometimes feels like seeing my reflection in a mirror and not recognizing it. I used to joke sometimes by saying “who is this person?” to my partner because in some situations I just couldn’t recognize myself. It’s definitely a repeated practice to explore the unknown while maintaining a sense of safety within. It’s an interesting journey though, but it’s also okay to go back and forth. Sometimes, circumstances are such that we feel okay opening the door for a moment and feel the rays of sun on our skin. It feels uncomfortable and weird, while it also adds a little more beauty to the whole picture.