Back to heartsupport

Being the duff

If you haven’t noticed, I am a DUFF! And if you aren’t sure what a DUFF is then it’s the Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
Now sometimes people do choose these friends because they make them seem better in comparison, but sometimes it just happens. It’s nobody’s fault if someone else is ugly or fat or whatever else makes them unappealing. It is funny how people like myself end up with friends.
You know when you’re this person because people will approach you to ask you about your friends, or as a joke (that sometimes can hurt, but you learn to instantly laugh if someone says anything remotely flirty or comments something sweet about your appearance).
I know I should not be upset or complain about this because at the end of the day, everyone is compared to someone, and some people just aren’t as high on the list as others! And as I said, it’s nobody’s fault.
I just secretly sometimes fantasise about what it’s like to have someone say something about me and not having to either laugh, get defensive or wonder which friend they want me to introduce them to.
I’m so very sorry for making this post. It feels safer than writing something down and someone accidentally finding it and thinking it’s funny that I would even think that I could be something different!
I’m no one important that I would ever expect or deserve these stupid feelings to matter much, and I know I will be okay or be able to ignore it in an hour or so.
I do feel sorry for other people who are also in this position. Im no victim, but I would probably step in as that person for them if I could. I hope people keep me around even if they don’t fully think much of me.
This is just another duff logging off.

1 Like

Hey friend,

There is no need to be sorry for sharing what’s on your mind and heart. It’s a right that you own and that isn’t ever going to be taken away from you. This place is safe to do so and to be yourself. Thank you for being here.

Something interesting with beauty is that there is absolutely no constant definition of it throughout history. The reason is just because what we define as beautiful or not is entirely depending on the culture we live in (or are impacted by). In different places than our so called “modern” western-ish societies, being fat would be a sign of wealth, of attraction, of beauty. Not so long ago, even in our societies, being fat was actually socially validated too. For some reason nowadays we just tend to banish the idea of fat itself and depict it as something unwanted, unattractive.

In both cases though, and that’s a second interesting aspect of defining “beauty”, is that we associate individual qualities to those standards. If we’re fat, then we have to be lazy, stupid, not in control of our life, unwilling to progress and what not. We associate external appearance to individual’s character, and even worse, to their worth. How unfair is that? We’re not equal at the genetic lottery. We don’t have equal access to food the same way across the world. Not everyone can have the luxury of working out however they can either. How any of that could make someone worthy or not?

Even just the word “beauty” and “ugliness”. What are the criteria? And are they actually fixed in time? No. Aging for example is often associated to ugliness, again in our societies. It’s good for marketers who want to sell us their anti-aging products and whatnot. But is it fair or even true? Being old and appearing physically old only mean that we are old. Nothing more, nothing less. And through it all, beauty is changing. What if someone described as “beautiful” has an accident that changes them physically - would they become worthless because they wouldn’t fit in that category according to society’s standards?

Through all of this, one thing is certain: your appearance does not define your worth, and by extension it doesn’t not define your right to be respected or not. People owe you respect because you are a human being, period. I hear you though and understand that this probably sound like some kind of warrior call while you are feeling resigned. It’s absolutely understandable to feel hurt and disappointed by the way some people perceive and categorize others. But you still deserve more than what has been shown to you. People don’t get to “keep you around” at their own convenience. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.

There is actually a responsibility there: we all, individually, have the choice to contribute or not to cultural standards that we consider unfair. I personally hate the idea that worth should be tied to our physical appearance. I love my friends the exact same way and I don’t care how they look like. It’s not a lie or a distant dream. If I was living according to how people look like and reject them if I don’t find them beautiful, then I should be damned. There are people just right here in this community that I have never seen, and they never saw me, yet we genuinely care about each other because this is about meeting and knowing a person for who they are, not for what they look like. If someone judges you based on your appearance, then it reveals issues and limitations that are about them, not you.

Just like you would stand up for someone in a situation you would relate to, you deserve to be fair to yourself and recognize your own worth. You see it in others. You deserve the same loving, kind and compassionate outlook on yourself. You are worthy of so much more than being “tolerated” by people in your life. True love doesn’t work this way, and unfortunately many people still need to learn that it doesn’t go along with pre-conditions.

You’re not a “duff”. You’re a human being deserving of respect and love just like anyone else. Please don’t let others dictate your worth or your right to take up space, to be yourself. If people are missing out on beauty they cannot see, then it is their loss, really. Right here and right now you are being yourself, you are speaking your truth, and knowing how you look like is not necessary at all. I’m grateful for you and having the opportunity to meet your vulnerable, honest self. I bet that’s not something many people get to see in your life. It’s our honor here to get to know you. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

Hello Friend, Im Lisa and its really nice to meet you.

I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it all day as at first I wanted to just write so much out of upset and frustration so I decided to come back later and now is later.
The term you have used to describe yourself is not one that I have heard which is suprising to me as I guess if we are using these terms then I am a fellow one or have been, I guess I still would be if I was in similar situations but Its not something I do.

I remember as a child crying in the mirror as to why I was so ugly and sometimes I still do, not so much now as it doesnt matter as much any more but also I wonder now who decides what is attractive, what is pretty or ugly, I can look at something and find it beautiful and you could find the same thing horrendous, who is right and who is wrong?
You hear that saying about beauty coming from within and yeah sure people always say that in front of the unattractive one but you know it really is the truth.
Have you ever seen a stunning girl for example being hateful to someone and really looked at them? there is no beauty in that person. Yes of course walking down the street they look good but so does an apple with a rotten core until you bite into it and who wants to be a rotten apple.
I sound like Im agreeing with your opinion of yourself that you are this dreadfully ugly fat person but just so you know, I am not but I also know from my own experience that me telling you that you are not is not going to change you mind but I will tell you that I bet you are not anyway near as bad as you think you are because we are so good at convincing ourselves of our flaws.
Im sorry that you are sorry you made this post, I am so grateful that you did, you sound like a wonderful person with so much to give and my goodness you deserve that back and then some. Keep yourself open to that someone approaching you, they may not be asking about a friend so always be open and not straight in that defensive mode (I know that move) I feel like I know so much how you feel and I would give anything for you not to feel this way so please I ask you to try to work hard on your self worth because you darn well deserve happiness in your life and once you realise that you do deserve it, it will find you, im sure of it.
Also one more thing I would really like to ask of you personally. Please dont refer to yourself as that name anymore. You are Worthy of Love and nothing less. Thank you if you got through this reply. Much Love LIsalovesfeathers. xx

3 Likes

Thank you both, those replies made me cry. I know that beauty is different for everyone I guess I just have been so set in knowing or thinking I know that what I look like is not that! Most of the time I don’t mind it, but some times it gets to me, mostly because it doesn’t matter to a lot of people if you’re actually nice or funny or if they would really get along with you, they see you and they react, they withdraw.
It’s hard to even make friends with people sometimes because they think you’re trying to flirt and they get grossed out by it. Maybe it’s the way I talk or approach people.

I do get strangers tell me that I am ugly or whatever, and I guess sometimes it’s strange that people feel so comfortable to do that! But I also would feel so embarrassed if someone told them off for it, I like to let the matter discretely pass and just agree or laugh.

I like the thing about the rotting apple though! That did put a new perspective in my mind! Thank you.

Thank you both again so much. You are so kind! Thank you thank you!

2 Likes

From: ManekiNeko

I think everyone can relate to the feelings of being on the outs at some point. I read your post and I feel like it could have been me in some way. I feel the hurt of not feeling like I love up to the standards of those around and that I wasn’t anyones best friend.
It’s interesting when it comes to a point where friend groups move on and new friends come in to the picture and as we grow we find ourselves with people in our own maturity level. We find people who value the same things and love the same things. Not to say your current friends aren’t good friends, but even expanding that friend circle can make a difference. Suddenly we have friends who love adventure and friends who love fashion and friends who love books. You can start to embrace how much you have to offer to all these different types of people and THAT has more value than anything someone could say about your looks. Rude people will find their own problems and aren’t worth a second thought. You sound like someone who is a good friend and a kind person. I’d rather be around you than anyone who feels comfortable offending someone.

2 Likes

From: eloquentpetrichor

Welcome to HeartSupport, TheDuff! :hrtlegolove:

I would like to first say that I don’t really like your way of looking at this. I know how you feel. In high school I was overweight and I was never any of my friends’ first choices. But I also never felt like I was filling some quota for them or I was the person they keep around to feel better about themselves. And I hope that if any of your ‘friends’ treat you in any kind of negative way that you know your own worth enough to kick them to the curb. You 100% deserve friends who see your worth and see the good in you. You deserve friends who say positive things to you and do not put you down. Even if you are never their first choice and you are okay with that (happened to me all the time. Never picked for group projects with my friends) you still deserve friends who enjoy having you around for the simple fact that they like you.

I’m so sorry that you have random strangers calling you ugly. Some people can be so horrible and I have never heard of someone just calling out people they don’t know for their physical appearances. That’s an awful thing to do to someone and regardless of whether you believe their words or not anyone willing to say that to someone is someone that you should never accept words from. Anything they say to you is of no worth.

I think you are a wonderful person and I hope that you find a home in this community and you stick around. It would be wonderful to continue hearing about your life and your journey. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

1 Like