Being the ugly one of the group

If you read my last post, I am struggling with my appearance. And it doesn’t help that my friend group is some of the prettiest and most liked girls in school. (NO HATE TO THEM THEY ARE SOOO NICE)

Let me dive in.

It may seem stupid, but in elementary school, one of of them would say they found out someone had a crush on them, they would all go ‘ewwww he’s so gross’ I would stand there and be quiet. People had crushes on them so often, that they didn’t care someone loved them, they thought they were gross. But I was focused on the fact of thinking, ‘Wow… someone thinks she’s pretty and nice. Why not me?’ because I in fact was that girl who no one had a crush on. Why? Why can’t someone ever like me? Even if it is the smallest crush in the world, or even if it is from the rudest or most cruel person in the world, can someone at least like me?

My friends always try to uplift me though. ‘Your body is so amazing! I wish I had a body like yours.’ My body was the only thing I had going for me. I developed first before my friends, so at least I had that. Until that went downhill.

So I guess its decided. I am the designated ugly friend.

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When it comes to looks, I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. When I was growing up, I was sickly and overweight. No girl would give me a second look. Guys weren’t interested in having me as a friend either.

Years later, I changed completely, and girls/women would flirt with me. I wasn’t big on acknowledging such flirtations, especially when they came from girls who would’ve thought of me as “gross” when I was younger. My thoughts were “they don’t give a damn about me, just my looks.” I was an emotional train wreck for several reasons, but it took me years to realize that it was possible for any girl to genuinely care about me. I also had this deeply ingrained self-concept, despite being told I was good-looking, I still identified with the fat, dumpy, ashamed kid I was when I was growing up.

There are the what I call “breed standard” features that are typically considered to be a requirement for attractiveness, for example high cheekbones, small nose, full lips, etc. The thing is, such a standard look can also be quite boring, in fact, I generally find the average “attractive person” to be nothing special, and frequently quite forgettable.

Perhaps you don’t look as our highly subjective culture thinks you should, but that absolutely does not mean that you are ugly. I suppose if you had a 4 inch long nose, and a face covered in hairy warts, you might be thought of as ugly at first glance, but as people get to know you, even such extreme looks become associated with whoever you are inside. I suspect that you are delightful and beautiful within, as evidenced by your refusal to hate the “pretty” girls, and instead appreciate the good in them.

Take the time to notice all the different sizes and shapes of people, and their faces, and you will see that looks are not often the main criteria that attracts people to each other. Of course you won’t find that obvious fact acknowledged on social media or even among school peer groups, but it’s true just the same.

When an instrument makes beautiful music, the piece itself is perceived as beautiful. The body is also an instrument, and when it generates beauty in the form of an open and loving heart, it is also perceived as beautiful.

There is also a huge variance in what people are attracted to, even physically. Frequently, physical attraction occurs after emotional connection is made.

As far as any intelligent, decent and rational person is concerned, you are a delightful and welcome sight.

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Hi Onandoff,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It sound like you are having a hard time recognizing your own beauty, and it can be incredibly challenging to navigate this feeling. I want to let you know that it is completely valid for you to feel this way. This outside world of ours puts so so so much pressure on us to adhere to absurd beauty standards.

Throughout all of this I would love for you to recognize that humans are like art. Art isn’t supposed to be beautiful, art is supposed to make you feel something. Your value, your self-worth, your talent is not determined by any metric other than your kind heart and loving soul. The way you make other feel is a better measure of your beauty, than any other external attribute of yours.

And beauty is subjective, so so so subjective. Everyone has their own unique qualities that make them special. Think about someone you love. When you think about this person, ask yourself why you love them. Perhaps you love them because they are funny, they are kind to you or they are always there to listen to you. When the ones who love you think about you, these are the attributes that contribute to the beauty that they see in you. It’s important to challenge the external standards and recognize the value that goes beyond physical appearance.

If these feelings persist or become overwhelming, consider reaching out to a friend, family member, or a mental health professional. They can provide additional support and perspective during times when self-reflection becomes challenging.

Remember, self-love is a journey, and it’s important to be kind to yourself as you navigate through these feelings. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are. Of so much love, and of so much acceptance.

Kindest regards,

Salma

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Onandoff- thats a very cool username!
I just want to let you know that you are not alone. You certainly are not alone in your hurt and frustration.
You are not alone in those longings and confusion.

I had those moments too where my looks made me question my value and worthiness of being loved.
There is something you said that stood out and that was “people had crushes on them so often, they didn’t care if someone loved them”.
Having a crush is a fun feeling, but being in love is something deeper and special. I hope that when you find someone who wants to get to know you that they do so with the intention of building a deep connection and really understanding who you are.

You deserve the depths of love and all the joy it can bring.

I know it feels maybe silly for someone who doesn’t know the full you and hasn’t seen you to say anything about appearance, but sometimes what is really attractive is a persons heart. I know that probably doesn’t sound all too comforting at the moment, but once people start maturing and becoming comfortable and more secure with themselves they start to acknowledge that there is so much more to people.

Maybe right now you don’t feel the giddiness and excitement of someone saying they have a crush on you, but I do believe that you will hold the experience of someone seeing you for who you are and wanting more of that in their life.

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hey friend,

i’m so sorry you’re stuck in this situation and not getting the love you deserve. it’s heartbreaking that the standards and perceptions of “outer beauty” is still seen as an indicator of personal worth and value. please allow me to join so many others in saying that how one person perceives beauty is not universal. i know this saying is cheesy but i mean it genuinely and fully: you are incredible inside and out. there is only one of you, you have one body with organs that magically work well with one another, a heart built to love and receive love, a brain to make this world a better place, and so on.

sure, you may not hear that someone has a crush on you but until we can start to read minds, it’s not fact that no one is interested in you. and even if other students don’t, please hold on to the fact that this doesn’t define you - you have an amazing journey ahead and will meet SO many people who will show you how this feeling of being the “designated ugly friend” has no real weight or bearing on you as a person. nothing has been decided other than the hope you must carry for your future journey ahead. and heck, who’s stopping you from talking to someone you find interest in? we all believe in you to take chances, pursue the love and care you deserve, and take care of your heart. this life is yours and the beauty you hold inside and out is infinite.

love,
twix

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hey @OnandOff, i’m so sorry your going through this. its so heartbreaking to know that you’re feeling this way. I want you to know that you’re amazing just the way you are and i know it may not seem like it and you may not feel like it but you are. you are so beautiful no matter your appearance on that outside. everyone had their own opinions about our body’s but the one opinion that should only matter is our own and we should try not to let others and there options negatively influence our thought about ourselves. You’re beautiful and so much more than that. I hope one day as you grow and continue on in this journey you’ll recognize that beauty comes from within. you can be the most beautiful person in the world but be the meanest person. Try to remind your self every morning after you wake up and every night before you go to sleep that you are important, you are enough, you are beautiful. i hope you recognize how beautiful you are and you become happy with how you look

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Hi Friend
Its so good to talk to you and I want to start by telling you that even though I haven’t seen you, I can tell you unequivocally that you are beautiful, you are special and you are loved and I know that because every one who has a heart is. I can feel the hurt you have because you feel that you are not the one that is being admired by one of the boys at school however I those boys all have one idea of what beauty is and its what they are told is beauty in the latest tik tock video etc, they have yet to learn what really having a crush is like, what looking at someone as you talk to oneanother as you get to know eachother. there is so much more to it.
One thing I can tell from your post is you have a heart, you are kind, caring and thoughful… that is what people fall in love with for real. I don’t think you have anything to worry about in your future. I am excited to see what lies ahead for you. Please remember you deserve happiness, never settle for less than that. xx

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I can definitely relate to this :100:. I never had boyfriends growing up, never had a boy tell me they had a crush on me, never received any Valentines gifts. Even at my big age now. No one took a special interest in me and if they did it was more for their own selfish purposes. I’m here to tell you, to focus on yourself. Yes better said than done because if you desire companionship than it’s hard. I’ve learned to live through the rejection, name calling from “friends “, family and people that I don’t even know whom have commented on my looks. Knowing how you look and learning to accept it will take some time but surround yourself with people that will support you during your lowest moments. I’m currently having one of those moments now but I believe that the Lord has not brought me this far to leave me. I am still trying to not fill that void with men whom truly don’t appreciate me and value me as a person based off of how I looked.

If i were you, i wouldnt worry about shallowe people, in fact i actually hate them. For a perioid in my life i had longer unkept hair and beard and women just started being rude to me. Then i got a haircut and shaved my beard and women just suddently started being nice and flerting with me. I would rather live and die alone than being with those shallow disgusting people.