Being worthless

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t fucking understand how there are people who don’t hate themselves. I’m fucking disgusting, worthless, pathetic, insecure. I have no redeeming traits. I hate being me so fucking much. I’ve been crying for the past ten minutes. I live a privileged life and yet am still miserable and lonely. I hate constantly performing when I socialize. I hate being shit at socializing. I hate being awkward and quiet and unapproachable and disgusting. I’m a loser. Being Black and trans in the spaces I’m in I feel isolated. I struggle with connecting with people, even the few friends I have. I was given so many advantages and fucked it all up and my parents are still burdened with me living with them. I hate being me so fucking much. I’m tired of being told that it gets better it hasn’t and I don’t even care if it will I just want to stop being me. I’m touch starved and feel repulsive just typing that out. I’ve posted here twice before and the messages of support still haven’t helped. Calling and texting 988 hasn’t fucking helped. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m a piece of shit who deserves to die, who can’t even help their own mom who is dealing with so much shit herself. i’m so tired of being me, my life is a joke and should have never been made. I don’t know why the fuck I exist I don’t fucking get it like why the fuck am I here i don’t want to be here i don’t

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hey friend, it’s really tough to hear you going through this feeling like you’re constantly performing and struggling to connect with others can be incredibly isolating it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you’re carrying. your feelings are valid, and it’s important to give yourself permission to feel them, even when it’s incredibly hard. you’re not alone in feeling like you’re not living up to expectations or struggling with self-worth. sometimes, it can take time to find what helps you feel a bit better, and that journey is unique for everyone.
love, cece

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hey bami_enby,

thank you for being here and opening up about what weighs heavy on your heart and mind. socializing is incredibly exhausting and it definitely does feel like you’re putting on a whole performance especially when it’s with people you aren’t comfortable around. the isolation you feel is understandable - burnout from socializing and exerting yourself is valid and i hope you can care for yourself as you recover.

you don’t deserve to die. you deserve to be seen, heard, and loved. to be told that yeah life can suck! our minds can tell us lies or echo the cruelest of thoughts towards ourselves. i’m sorry you haven’t found the support you needed to conquer these difficulties. it sucks when we already feel alone and exhausted and no one can give us the words we need to hear. i hope me and the others replying to this post can help you feel not as alone in this. i believe in you to take back control over those negative thoughts about yourself, take care of your mind and body after social interactions, and never forget that you have value and that you matter. i’ll fight to my last breath on that truth - i’m glad you’re here on this forum and in this world.

love,
twix

Hi there! Thank you for coming to the forum!

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through these feelings. In the past, I have personally felt these same feelings, and it’s so terrible to go through. I think there are a few things that you should keep in mind going forward.

Everyone, even people who can be considered “privileged,” can experience loneliness and self-hatred. These are feelings that are not exclusive to a certain lifestyle or socioeconomic class. Your feelings are valid no matter who you are.

Also, it is so common to feel uncomfortable and drained when socializing. I think that a lot of people are performing when they socialize, but we don’t always know it. One thing to keep in mind is that people aren’t paying attention to the little details that might bother you. You might spend time replaying something you said over and over again, but they’ve probably forgotten about it. If you can let go of the judgment you hold for yourself, it will become a lot easier to socialize.

I also just want to let you know that living with your parents is not something to be ashamed of. Our society has made it seem like it’s a bad thing to live with your parents as an adult, but it’s completely okay! So many people have to live with their parents for various reasons, and it shouldn’t be looked down upon.

Lastly, I just want you to know that you do not deserve to die. You are here for a reason, and you are loved.

I hope that you start to feel better soon. Sending you all the love!

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Hi!
thank you for sharing your feelings with us today!
I am extremely sorry that you feel this way and it does truly suck when we feel this way and when our mind plays tricks with us but YOU ARE VALID and YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!
Socializing is a struggle for a lot of people and I know how isolating it feels to not know how to socialize and to feel awkward but that doesn’t make you disgusting and unapproachable, it takes a little bit of time to feel comfortable in new spaces but I promise you are not disgusting or a loser.
I know how it feels like to feel like you’ve had a lot of privileges and advantages and feel like you haven’t used them but keep in mind that moving out of your parent’s house is not easy and it is seen as completely normal in other cultures so don’t feel pressured to do it because you feel like a burden, your parents love you and you are most definitely not a burden to them.
life is valuable and you deserve love and everything good.
don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you are young and still figuring out your life and it will get better
Whenever you need to vent or to have someone listen to you please write in this forum and you will always have someone responding to you!
Sending lots of love,

  • domenica
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I can feel you on a deep level; I’ve spent the majority of my 48 years feeling exactly how you feel. I see you, and those feelings are valid. The mind can be our worst enemy at times, it can take you to a place that we feel that we will never be able to escape. I know that feeling of being a fuck up and a let down to those that love you, but I can bet that they don’t feel that way about you. You aren’t worthless, you have a unique voice that needs to be heard. You have life experiences that would be an inspiration to so many people who are struggling to find their identity. All those things that you think you about yourself are not true. You are wonderfully made and you are perfect the way you are. I know what its like to feel disgusted toward yourself. There were years that I couldn’t look at the mirror without feeling hatred towards myself. I’ve said the same things to myself, that you have. There is no one more hard on ourselves than ourselves. You are an amazing person that has the ability to reach so many people with your story. You’re just in the first chapter, don’t close the book on yourself yet.

With love,

Eric

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Hey there friend,

I’m so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I can understand that the negative thoughts are extremely difficult to deal with and they cause so much pain. But I commend you for writing such an honest and raw post about the way you are feeling. That takes a lot of courage to open up about the kind of pain you’re experiencing and you should be proud of yourself. This reminds me of the way I used to feel about myself. These thoughts used to also be constant and ever present, always shaping my perspectives and skewing the way I viewed reality. It almost felt like I had an alter ego or villain in my head always trying to destroy my life. But things did get better after I reached out for support and started to be proud of my small accomplishments. Trying to find anything nice to say to myself. I hope things get better for you too.

It also seems like the environment you’re in is contributing to the problem. Being Black and trans in spaces that aren’t understanding or accepting can be incredibly isolating, and it’s understandable that you’re struggling with that. It’s not a reflection of your worth but a reflection of the challenging environment you’re in.

You’re pain is valid no matter what “priviliged life” you may have led. It’s okay to be feeling the way you are despite you’re circumstances. Pain is pain and it doesnt discriminate based on privilige.

Please try to be kinder to yourself. You are a strong person worthy of love, compassion and support.

With love,
arsema

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hi there friend,

i want you to know that you are worth it, and you have every right to feel the way that you do. you are not alone having negative feelings about socialization because it does take a lot of effort to stop yourself from burning out. sometimes it helps to just forget about what others might be thinking since thats one of the main issues most people have.

know that you are not alone and that we are always here for you.

take care and don’t be afraid to reach out again!!

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Hi Bami,

Thank you so much for coming here to talk. I want to let you know that you ARE heard and every feeling you have is valid. I can tell that you have been through many struggles, even though you have mentioned that you live a privileged life. Just because you come from a well-off background does not mitigate your feelings of feeling as if you are worthless. Socialization can be hard sometimes, even with your close friends. Socializing with your parents can be even harder, even though they love you. Although I cannot directly relate to being part of the trans community, I have close friends who are and I sympathize with the struggle of feeling isolated in a space that you are in. Although you feel isolated, there are so many people who can relate to your story and understand the feelings of being awkward and unapproachable and can feel heard. I hope you realize how heard you are.
I can tell that you are making an effort to get help like 988 and using this forum and I am so proud of you for it. I hope you do not lose hope and realize that you have people here who love and support you. If you need anything at all, HeartSupport will be here for you. I hope that in some of these comments and replies you can at least read something that makes your day a little brighter. I am sending you so much love, I think you need a lot of it right now.

With love,
Daniela

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What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I try to fucking ignore my emotions and I can’t and I hate being told that I’m not supposed to because focusing on them just makes everything worse. I don’t fucking understand why I have to be. I fucking hate myself to every single individual molecule. I’m ugly, disgusting, my mind is fucked up I can’t function like a normal fucking person. Even with being on estrogen I’m still gross and worthless. Socializing with people drains me. I can’t talk to anyone about this shit they either won’t understand or they’re dealing with their own shit and I refuse to be burden anyone further. I’m so fucking sick of being me i hate this i fucking hate it so much i hate dysphoria i hate being insecure i have no redeeming qualities

hey i saw that you replied on this.

I’ve learned that when it comes to coping with emotions, it depends on the person for how you go about them. ignoring feelings is a very hard thing to do, the more that it kind of stays in the subconscious it can bubble into the conscious and create that cognitive dissonance. however, sitting down and focusing on every little feeling you have may also not be the best idea, as you have said it may make everything worse. the strange thing with emotions is how strong they can be, and it can be scary to yourself. i have been there too when i did not want to think about everything that i have had going on, but you can only push it back for some time. i hope that in healthy ways of coping, you can take some of these emotions and create the energy to do something different like a hobby. Some people do art, some people exercise, and some just take a minute to sit down and watch a comfort show or movie. It varies for everyone. That can be the one word of advice that I can give you if you need any.

i am personally not transgender but I have roommates and close friends who are and the struggle of dysphoria can be a huge rollercoaster. there are ups and downs with the changes that my friends have told me, and although my friends have been happy with HRT changes, I have still witnessed them experience some struggles. I will say though, that the transition journey is powerful and inspiring. whatever journey you are taking with it makes me proud of you. i hope that it treats you kindly, i know there will be ups and downs but i hope that, in the end, the transition will help you achieve the best version of yourself.

i know that you mentioned that socializing can be draining, but if you need anything at all, we are receptive and we are open for you. people are here to listen to you and hear you out and you are not alone. i hope that you give yourself some time to breathe. and i hope that in time you can be kinder to yourself. nobody is completely ugly and disgusting, i believe that you can find beauty in pretty much anyone.

like i said, we are here for you and you are not alone. don’t feel pressured to talk if you don’t want to, but you are not alone. if you can take anything away from this message, it would be that you have support here on the forum just in case.

sending you love,
daniela <3

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