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Better but questions unanswered


#1

So after the living hell December was and me coming back to the country where I live to ponder and suffer through the worst nightmare, I have finally started to see some light and get back on my feet, either God had mercy on me and shed some light my way or my heart and mind finally learned to show some resilience. Still trembling and still have some haunting memories of what happened but I’ve been able to meditate and try to learn something out of the whole mess and destruction I found myself in.

I learned that I don’t regret loving that person, nor giving the best of me. I learned that I did the best I could, and perhaps even more than what I should have but I know in my heart it was right. I also learned that despite me trying to find where I went wrong or what part was my fault, I found none. For the first time I can’t find a single thing that was my major fault to make that loved one cheat and abandon me. It was not my decision to throw it all away. I might have gotten lucky yet again since a friend of mine made her daily task to check in on me, make sure I’m eating, sleeping and that I’m ok and she has helped me to see some things clearly and rationally without me being negative all the time.

That said there are a couple of things I can’t seem to answer to myself and those are, why if I have gotten so much suffering out of relationships, out of longing for a family, a wife and kids, do I still feel that desire so strong in my heart despite it all? Why if I was to suffer so much couldn’t I be like one of those other people that have other goals than starting a family and share their lives with that special someone?

And two, now that I see things clearly, (and don’t get me wrong, I’m flawed, I suck at so many things and perfect couldn’t be farther away from me I know all of that but I also have come to realize the following) I know that if I was ever to find a woman that did the things I’ve done, and was the type of person I am, I wouldn’t doubt even a second to get married. So if despite not being rich or famous or a male model, I seem to be actually a good catch, why does everybody leave? Why does every girl I’ve met either cheat or tell me I’m not the right one? I can’t comprehend why no one wants to stay with me if I actually would for someone like that?


#2

Hey Mandro,

I am so happy that you have been able to show yourself some grace and find healing despite going through such a hurtful experience. I know that couldn’t have been easy and the fact that you have been able to work through this wound and care for yourself during the process shows a lot of strength and courage!

I feel that although your past experiences with relationships have been painful, God was perhaps protecting you in a way by directing these women away so that eventually, in His perfect timing, the woman He has for you can be brought into your life. Basically, those relationships did not work out because they were not meant to. It sounds as though having a family has truly been placed on your heart, so I would encourage you to find peace in the fact that God knows the desires of your heart and knows the plans He has for you. So, although it may seem as though nothing is working out, He knows what is in store for you. He has His hand on it all.

Hold fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#3

Thank you for the words. I wish I can work this out since I still struggle trying to find purpose or sense. Sometimes it’s very hard to believe God does have someone out there for me when all of this has happened.


#4

Your post really reminded me of how I’ve felt in the past. I don’t know if it helps to know but when I was in one of my lowest points of my life, God brought someone in to my life very unexpectedly. It’s hard to trust in God’s timing sometimes because it feels so long in the midst of waiting. I’m sure God has great things for you planned.